What would a day in the life look like for a student of the X-Men? Let's face it, Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters is hardly an ordinary learning environment, and its curriculum is like none other. Frankly, the good Professor tends to put teenagers in situations that would make even Albus Dumbledore flinch with horror, and the only qualification most of his teachers have is that they survived attending the school themselves.
X-Men fans have long imagined what life would be like at Xavier's School, with some hilarious examples. And so we've decided to get in on the act by imagining the notes of a young mutant on his first day at the X-Mansion, just two days after his mutant powers activated. Comic book readers will no doubt recognize copious references to the comics themselves, including a few shocking lessons that were actually shown in Marvel stories.
Assembly with Professor X and Emma Frost
Today, I started at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. In my case, 'gifted' just means that two days ago I burped fire and nearly burned down my school. Now here I am, walking through the doors of a school that teaches mutants, hustled in quickly past a group of screaming protesters. This Russian guy made of metal met me at the door and told me he'd take my stuff to my room, and I should go to assembly. I followed his directions, walked in to find hundreds of kids just like me, all sat staring at a platform where a guy I recognized from the news as Charles Xavier was talking. Talk about chills. My life is changing so fast I'm in danger of getting whiplash.
I'd barely sat down before the ceiling exploded, and these giant robots- Sentinels, I think - came breaking through. Seriously, I have never seen anything like how the X-Men behind Xavier moved; so quick, so efficient, we'd barely started screaming before there were lasers and lightning and... then the robots vanished and the ceiling was whole again. This lady in white stepped forward and told us all to never forget "they" (I guess she means humans) will always fear us. When assembly was over, I wasted a couple of minutes finding my room so I could get a change of pants.
History with Bishop
I was late to my first lesson, but thankfully so was the teacher. Managed to say hi to a couple of classmates before some guy walked in carrying a huge, glowing gun. He said his name was Mr. Bishop, and he was substituting because the official History teacher, "Logan," hadn't gotten back from Japan yet. He flicked through some notes on the desk and then told everyone history was bunk, the only history that matters is the future, because that's the history that can kill you. I had no idea what he was talking about, but then a kid with bright green skin asked about alternate timelines, and Mr. Bishop's answer took up the rest of the class.
Computing with Kitty Pryde
Next lesson was Computing. I've always liked computers, so I was looking forward to this, but I've never seen anything like the ones the X-Men have. The teacher - who everybody called "Ms. Pryde" but who kept telling us to call her "Kitty" - saw I was struggling and told me it'd take a while to get used to Shi'ar computers, whatever they are. Then she showed off what they could do by hacking into the White House and checking the President's files. He really likes cute kitten photos.
The lesson kind of came to an abrupt end when the metal man who'd taken my bags walked in and Ms. Pryde seemed to forget all about us, so people quietly started slipping out while she was distracted. Over break, another classmate told me those two keep hooking up and breaking up again, and apparently that's true of a lot of the teachers here.
Biology with Beast
Biology was after break, in this insane science lab, and the teacher... well, him I knew. He was Beast, the big, blue former Avenger, and I gotta admit I was seriously freaking out being in the same room as him. Never meet your heroes; not only did he not notice me, he seemed to keep forgetting he was teaching a class at all. He had us looking at genetic sequences on more of those Shi'ar computers, and I have absolutely no idea what I was supposed to be looking at, because he explained it in the kind of technobabble that would embarrass a Star Trek writer.
Again, the lesson ended early when he suddenly told us one of his experiments was going wrong and rushed us out. He closed the door firmly behind us, and a moment later the door shook to the sound of an explosion. We were all kind of wondering what to do when he opened the door again and told us everything was perfectly fine, he'd just singed his fur, and he'd even managed to discover a new explosive compound by accident.
Physical Education with Wolverine
Lunch was nice, and afterwards we had gym class in the hall where we'd had assembly, only now it looked like a tropical rainforest. The teacher introduced himself as Logan, and he grumbled he'd just gotten back from Japan and was being made to teach this class before he'd even had a beer to start his day. Someone pointed out it was afternoon and he gave them a glare that made me wonder if his mutant power is heat vision. He told them he prefers to work nights. Then he decided to start class by testing our combat skills, and... popped his claws. I suddenly realized he was Wolverine. I really thought Wolverine was taller - a little more like Hugh Jackman.
He spent the next hour chasing us around the jungle, making us scream and run while he cut our clothes shouting "Tag." He scared me so much at one point jumping out of the shadows that I hiccupped and blew him away with a fireball. "That's more like it," Wolverine told me, and gave me extra credit. I got high-fives off a few people and didn't have the nerve to tell anyone I had no idea how I'd done it.
Orientation with Cyclops
Apparently every new student ends their first day in a meeting with Mr. Summers, the headmaster (I thought that was Charles Xavier, but apparently not.) When I got to the headmaster's office, I knocked on the door and got welcomed in. Mr. Summers sat there behind his desk shuffling papers and looking at me through these weird red shades; it was only partway through the conversation I realized this must be Cyclops, who always has his eyes covered with a red visor. Mr. Summers asked me about my powers, my experiences, what I thought of my first day, whether Wolverine had turned up to class or ditched us, and grumbled that he hadn't filed a proper lesson plan in months. Suddenly, he said, "Welcome to the X-Men," and held out his hand. I shook it, and he added, "I'm going to make sure you survive the experience." That's... good, I guess?