Logan showed us a stripped-down Wolverine. He was raw, battered, broken and desperate to die. Through his descent and ultimate demise, Logan showed us heroic qualities and a fearlessness that few superheroes can match.
Thanks to James Mangold’s vision and Hugh Jackman’s inimitable performance, Logan fired on all cylinders. It’s little wonder that they forged new territory with their story, rather than draw on comic panels to flesh out the narrative. Though he’s best known for being an instinctive fighter and animalistic hero, Wolverine has also had his share of humiliating moments in the comics. He has been seen doing arts and crafts, climbing trees to hide from Beast, fantasizing after Squirrel Girl, getting punched from New York to Boston by the Hulk, and many other borderline unspeakable acts he probably wishes we’d forgotten about. We love him, but as we bid farewell to Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine, it’s time to remember his lighter moments.
Here are Wolverine’s 15 Most Embarrassing Moments.
15. When He Did Arts and Crafts
Wolverine has many special talents, but not many people know how much he just loves arts and crafts. Indeed, when he’s not slashing through baddies and putting away 24-racks of beer, you can find him tapping into his creative side and visiting Hobby Lobby. Without even using his claws, Logan likes making paper people chains and holding them up for all the world to see. Though he prefers not to brag about his creations, he thinks some of his work “is so terribly pretty!”
He’s a man for all seasons, Logan. Thanks to Joss Whedon’s endlessly sardonic writing in Astonishing X-Men, Wolverine got stripped of his masculinity in increasingly clever ways. In fact, Logan was essentially turned into his prepubescent self, like the young boy we met in Wolverine: Origin. Artist John Cassaday followed the story arc to a T, but he let Wolverine keep his facial hair, burly arms and brawny physique to make the image of him creating paper doilies even more terrifying.
14. When Hulk Punched Him to Boston
Wolverine and the Hulk battle it out in New York City. The wind blows from the southeast at 17 mph. When Ol’ Jade Jaws clocks Logan in the head with all his might, how far does Wolverine travel?
Answer: Boston. This mathematical equation was brought to fruition in The Punisher: Confederacy of the Dunces. The appropriately named story shows Wolverine, Daredevil, and Spider-Man teaming up to take down Frank Castle once and for all. Unfortunately, the self-styled Punisher had an ace up his sleeve: the Green Giant himself. Wolverine bears the brunt of the attack and gets hit so hard by the Hulk that he flies approximately 200 miles from the Big Apple to Beantown. This power-blast left Wolverine not only dazed and confused, but humbled enough to ride the train from Boston back to New York so that he could continue the good fight. Unfortunately, his noggin was so rattled that he boarded the wrong train and ended up in Philly.
13. Getting Beaten by Spock
There was a moment, a brief moment, where Marvel Comics owned the rights to the Star Trek novellas and books. Without any hesitation, the superhero comics juggernaut mind-melded the crew of the USS Enterprise with the X-Men and created one of the craziest team-ups in comics history. Though many of the meta-humans get to flex their muscles alongside Captain Kirk and Co., Wolverine is rendered useless throughout most of the fight.
It all starts when the X-Men access an extra dimension and land aboard the Enterprise. Though they seem to have the upper hand, Spock pounces on Wolverine and humbles him in an instant. With a quick Vulcan nerve pinch to the neck, Wolverine drops like a sack of potatoes. After the two make up, Wolverine continues to skulk in the shadows while the X-Men and Enterprise crew fight alien invaders. Though Cyclops has his laser-blasting vision and the crew have their trusty phasers, Wolverine is forced to sit back with his claws and wait for the dust to clear.
12. Roundhouse Kicked by a Deer
In a battle of Wolverine vs Deer, who wins? Though you might think about putting your money on the slasher of Marvel Comics, think again. It’s the steed of the forest who wins with a KO-kick in round one of the fight. This scenario technically makes no sense, given Wolverine has claws, an adamantium skeleton, and an inner geyser of anger always ready to erupt, but it’s a totally awesome turn of events.
The best part of these panels is Wolverine’s attempt at stealth. It’s a fail of epic proportions. While crawling through a forest, Wolverine tracks the antlered beast and gets within a few yards before stepping on a massive branch. “SNAP!” Logan knows his cover is blown, and as he assembles a defensive position, he admits, “Ah, nuts!” The deer turns around, one-shots him to the head, then prances off to live another day, leaving Logan dumbfounded in the dirt. This roundhouse blast made the steed look like Chuck Norris, but it left Wolvie too bloodied up to care.
11. Noseless Caveman Wolverine
Of all the violent things Wolverine experienced, few top the excruciating pain of Magneto extracting the adamantium from his body. Aside from the blood-curling screams he emitted, the depiction of the alloy bursting out of his frame is enough to make your skin crawl. As it happens, apparently Wolverine’s enhanced skeleton was the only thing keeping his body from flattening into a Neanderthal.
Though he’s never depicted as being tall in the comics, caveman Wolverine is a true knuckle-dragging beast that looks like an outcast from Caesar’s club in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Though his skull is stretched out, his face gets weirdly compressed to the point where his nose totally disappears. This blue-haired embarrassment even thinks like a simpleton: “She said – it was – a test. Gotta think. Gotta Remember…” Even Tarzan was more eloquent than Wildman Wolverine. To add insult to injury, he somehow gets his hands on a skull cap to shield his identity while crawling on his hands and knees.
10. Licking Cyclops’ Face
Still on the descent of his devolution, caveman Wolverine had one more move to fully tarnish his name. However incestuous the X-Men characters may be, they usually draw the line at face licking. Unfortunately, Wolverine foregoes human convention and taps into his bestial nature, tonguing down Cyclops’ face with absolutely zero regret. The formerly incapacitated Scott Summers jolts up from his slumber and screams, “—Gaa! Logan! What are you doing?” Incapable of speech or rational thought, beast-mode Wolverine simply breaks the fourth wall with a look that reads, “What day is it?”
Wolverine was trying to do the right thing. Just moments before the facial French-kiss, he had saved Cyclops from falling to his death in a canyon. Still, it’s hard to understand why the writers in the X-Men team thought a face-licking was the ideal way for Wolverine to wake up his friend. You can almost hear Professor X shaking his head and asking, “Logan. What did you do?”
9. Humiliated by the Punisher
Wolverine and Frank Castle are cold-blooded killers. Amid the pantheon of superheroes, they are without a doubt among the most violent protagonists in Marvel (though the Punisher is definitely the more vicious of the two). When they go head to head in Punisher #17, Wolverine gets absolutely gutted. He gets his manhood blasted off with Castle’s machine gun, his knees are blown out, and his face ripped clean off. Though the Punisher insists, “They’ll grow back…best if you sit the rest of this fight out,” Wolverine looks like absolute hell. He’s emasculated, crippled, and faceless.
Knowing Wolverine can regenerate, Frank Castle has a Plan B already in place. While Wolverine crawls towards him beckoning, “Gonna show ya why they call me TH’ WOLVERINE,” Castle ups the ante and commandeers an industrial grade steamroller to crush his victim’s body into cement paste. The final panel shows the Punisher walking out of the warehouse with Logan’s claws jutting out from beneath the two-ton steamroller.
8. When He Almost Murdered a Clown
Whether you encounter them in person or a comics panel, clowns are devious creatures best to be avoided. They’re so creepy that there’s even a Marvel Comics story centered on their villainy. In Obnoxio the Clown vs. the X-Men (yes, that’s the exact title), the eponymous villain attempts to bring ruin to the metahumans. Obnoxio is a depressed man who dresses up as a clown to distract himself from his sorrows. The guy is a mess. He smokes stogies, never showers, and digs into everyone he meets with degrading comments (like the time he called Professor Xavier a “skin-head”).
After Obnoxio distracts the X-Men from the reveal villain and wreaks enough havoc, Wolverine arrives on the scene with adamantium blades at the ready. He hoists the clown up by his fetid suit and prepares to slash him to death, declaring: “Awright, creep, playtime’s over!” Just as Wolverine is about to rain down some clown justice, Cyclops ruins the moment and orders him to stand down. Way to go, Scott.
7. Climbing a Tree to Hide From Beast
Arts and crafts can be excused, but forcing Wolverine to hide in a tree is a bridge too far. Joss Whedon continued The Astonishing X-Men series by further humbling Logan and forcing him to take refuge in a lofted branch high above a rampaging Beast. Never before have we seen Wolverine look so small. While clutching the tree branch, Logan offers a prayer from the depths of his heart, asking forgiveness for his sins and pledging to do “good deeds and [help] poor people unless you don’t like them for some reason and that’s why they’re poor.” He even admits to having a sordid dream about a naughty lady, whom he respectfully calls a “chambermaid.”
Then it dawns on him: “I’m in a tree,” he thinks. Too bad it wasn’t high enough. Logan slips from his perch and lands on the ground, totally vulnerable to Beast’s attack. Without any recourse or defense (his claws are nonexistent), Logan suffers a vicious bite to the leg as Beast chomps into his flesh.
6. Fantasizing Over Squirrel Girl
Privacy is paramount, but in the world of Wolverine, nothing remains a secret. We know he’s a hard drinking, cigar-loving, berserker-rage fighting machine, but we don’t know much about his extracurricular passions. Or we didn’t, that is, until Wolverine #8 was published and took us straight into the internal library of his romantic desires. When Emma Frost gets unmitigated access to Wolverine’s mind, she wanders around its labyrinth until she stumbles upon a monolithic door with “Sexual Fantasies” literally written directly on the front.
Though Emma admits, “I’m going to regret this,” she enters regardless and finds a red-lit room with a whole host of Wolverine’s favorite gals, from Mystique to Spiral and even a coquettish version of herself. Most ridiculous of all is a young Squirrel Girl, replete with her bushy tail and innocent grin. Upon returning to reality, we learn that Wolverine and the rodent superhero have spent more than a few nights together when she tells him, “I thought we agreed to never see each other again.” Never one to back down from a fight, Wolverine assures her, “You look amazing.” Smooth move, bub.
5. Punched Out of Church by Molly Hayes
For as long as she can remember, Molly Hayes had a big-league crush on Wolverine. Not only did she want to join the X-Men, but she hoped to get hitched with Logan and bear his last name. That lifelong dream held true until she actually met him. During a trip to New York City, Molly went to a church and was graced by the holy trinity of Wolverine, Captain America, and Iron Man.
Needless to say, Logan didn’t match her expectations. The mini-mutant began to scream, her voice ripping through the sanctuary and even compelling Steve Rogers to ask her to stop. Clutching his head in anguish, Wolverine calls it quits on the niceties and plays it straight: “Kid, you ever heard of heightened sense? You got exactly three seconds to stop drilling a hole into my brain.” Before he finishes the countdown, the diminutive girl blasts Wolverine out the church doors and across the street, face-first into a pile of snow. Without moving a muscle, Logan muses, “Only 198 mutants left on the stinkin’ planet, and that girl’s gotta be one of them.”
4. When He Questioned Frank Castle’s Sexuality
Following the events of Punisher #17, Wolverine was (understandably) in the mood for some revenge. Though you might think his payback would come in claw-shaped form, he struck Frank Castle with a new kind of weapon: one that questioned his sexuality.
In Wolverine #186, Punisher gets hoisted by his own petard. In addition to beating him senseless and throwing him clean through a window, Wolverine digs deep into Frank Castle’s identity. With the Punisher down for the count, Logan stands over him and thrusts a male workout magazine in his face. The scantily clad meathead on the cover is all the evidence Wolverine needs. With one eyebrow raised, Logan goes for the jugular: “Hmmmm…makes sense though, now that I think about it. You’re single, neat, very organized…” It’s clear what Wolverine is insinuating, and all the Punisher can assert is that the men are “suspects.” Someone needs to teach Logan the art of intimidation.
3. Alcoholic Coach Potato Wolverine
Marvel’s Earth X series depicted a world where every ordinary citizen is given extraordinary powers. Thanks to The Terrigen Mists, the legendary talents of the X-Men become average. This drives Wolverine into early retirement, where he gets to quaff as many beers as his body will allow (and then some). Well past his legal limit, Logan becomes an obese shell of his former self who spends every hour ensconced in a Lay-Z-Boy chair as he barks orders at Jean Grey.
Or so he thinks. It turns out that Wolverine is so drunk and out of touch with reality that he fails to notice the woman isn’t Jean Grey, but Madelyne Pryor, Cable’s mom. Couch potato Logan cares more about getting his next beverage than knowing his lady love, and whenever she starts to talk, he shouts, “It wouldn’t hurt you to keep yer mouth shut. Guess I should be happy ya can’t physically scream in my head like when we wuz X-Men.” What a charmer.
2. Becoming the Spokesman for Gerber Dolls
In the corporate world, annual reports are cumbersome and boring. Marvel plays to their strengths, however, and never miss a chance to turn their beloved superheroes into shills for their internal memos. In 1993, Wolverine stepped up to the plate to tell shareholders, “Debt dropped from $60 million in ’90 to $19 million in ’91 and then, with the company’s increased cash from operations, Marvel cut it to only $6 million by mid-’92!” Does the accompanying Panel show Wolverine slicing a cinderblock? You bet.
That’s not even the best part. A few pages later, Wolverine goes on to brag about all of the cool baby products they can sell with their new Gerber license. For whatever reason, the B-team of Marvel artists gave Wolverine blood-red eyes and a frightening face as he yells, “There’ll be Gerber growing toys, Gerber nursery dolls, and Gerber electronics…to hear and watch your baby in the light or darkness!” Seriously, couldn’t they have had Spider-Man or somebody a little more mellow sell the baby gear? Wolverine is, like, one step away from Pennywise the Clown here.
1. When He Needed a Piggy Back Ride
Even in Logan, where the titular character gets beaten six ways to Sunday, Wolverine didn’t ask for much help. He soldiered on and did what he had to do to avenge his reputation and protect his newfound daughter.
In the comics, Wolverine has carried the weight of his team on many occasions. As you know by now, things weren’t always so heroic. On one occasion, however, he accepted a piggy back ride from Ms. Marvel herself. While approaching a flooded subway tunnel, he panics and tells her, “Now might not be the best time to say this…I’m not the best swimmer.” When she tells him he can ride on her back, Wolverine literally stops dead in his tracks: “What. I am way too heavy for you.” Though Wolverine becomes incredibly self-conscious about his body-image, he boards the USS Marvel and warns her, “Never tell anybody about this, ever.” Sorry, Wolvie, but the secret is out.
When else has Wolverine outright embarrassed himself? Let us know in the comments!
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