The gut-bustingly funny vampires from FX’s What We Do in the Shadows have given fans some unforgettable lines throughout the years. While some of their best quotes often perfectly capture their personalities, others can go against what fans expect from the hilarious characters.
These lines are often surprisingly humorous, especially because they shed light on the different sides of the lovable vampires. Whether it’s Laszlo being uncharacteristically apologetic or Colin expressing his anger, fans won’t forget the rare moments when the roommates respond in unpredictable and amusing ways.
Jeff Suckler: “Hey, Thanks For Cutting My Head Off, Again, You D**k.”
Gregor and Nadja’s relationship is a running gag on What We Do in the Shadows that has taken a lot of hilarious twists and turns. Nadja isn’t shy about expressing her disappointment about her supposedly powerful lover’s latest reincarnation. Jeff is far from the Gregor she once knew, as he’s now a timid security guard who struggles to defend himself from bullies and, of course, Laszlo.
In several of his past lives, Gregor has lost his head thanks to Laszlo. Whether it’s Laszlo as a cat biting off Gregor the mouse’s head or decapitating him on the battlefield, it always ends the same way. In the second episode of season 2, Jeff returns as a ghost and confronts Laszlo with this line. There's a slight hesitation in his voice as he bravely insults the vampire, and he probably wouldn’t have been able to say this if he still had a body.
Baron Afanas: “Well Frankly, It Has Turned Out To Be A Pretty Terrific Setup For All Three Of Us.”
As a member of vampire royalty, the Baron is a feared figure who demands respect from his subordinates, including the rowdy roommates. He’s first introduced as a fearsome overseer of the Staten Island vampires’ attempts at taking over New York.
After the group discovers that the Baron survived Guillermo’s accidental assassination, they find that he’s much easier to satisfy. It may have to do with the fact that he’s just half a body now, but in season 3's “The Escape,” the Baron happily accepts his simple new life in the countryside with the Sire and their hound. It’s not quite the ending most fans might have had in mind for the ancient vampire who just a few episodes ago yearned to conquer the modern world.
Colin Robinson: “Like You Give A S**t!”
Season 2's, “Colin’s Promotion,” showcases just how powerful the energy vampire can be. When his roommates predictably ignore his suggestions about the house décor, Colin gets fed up and starts spending more time in the office. Everything changes when he accepts a promotion, as he quickly gains new abilities that the rest of the vampires are terrified of.
When Nandor and Nadja try to get his input about where they should put the paintings, it prompts one of Colin’s best lines in What We Do in the Shadows. The usually calm and soft-spoken psychic vampire snaps back during this shocking moment but thankfully realizes in the end that his family matters more than his new superpowers.
Guillermo De La Cruz: “I Think The Worst Part For Me Is The Loneliness.”
One of the reasons Guillermo is a likable character is that he’s willing to go to great lengths to keep the vampires safe. He actually enjoys his job and doesn’t mind the mistreatment most of the time.
In=season 1, however, Guillermo gives viewers a completely different look at what life is like for him during the days. He often gave the impression that he enjoyed the daytime because it’s when he can get most of his chores done without any distractions. He’s also a generally quiet person who’s introverted, which is why it’s so surprising to hear him talk about how “the house gets quiet” and “lonely” in this episode.
Jenna: “Sometimes I Have This Urge To Tear My Roommate To Shreds.”
When Nadja turns Jenna into a vampire without her knowledge, it takes her a while to realize what happened. In season 1, she makes a comment about she’s starting to develop “an eye sensitivity” and “skin sensitivity.”
Her transformation continues to escalate until it feeds off of the anger within her. Fans know Jenna as a timid and often bullied character, but this line marks the start of her journey as a flawed yet strong vampire. She never actually tears her roommates to shreds, which isn’t surprising for the unassertive and shy character.
Nadja Of Antipaxos: “So Yes, I Do Know What It Feels Like To Be Mocked And Teased And To Cry Myself To Sleep At Night By The Light Of A Burning Donkey.”
One of Nadja’s funniest quotes also happens to show how sincere she can be when no other vampire is around. She has always been a strong and independent vampire who can be caring but will always undercut her kindness with an insult. In the season 1 episode, “City Council,” she shares a truly vulnerable version of herself with Jenna.
She feels bad for the college student who is mocked and excluded by her so-called friends from the LARPing club. Nadja empathizes with her by telling her about how she used to be “so poor” that her family had “to use donkey dung for fuel, and when the donkey dung ran out” they “would have to burn the donkey.” Nadja doesn’t exactly capture what Jenna is feeling at that moment, but she doesn’t follow up the line with an insult, which is totally out of character for the fierce vampire.
Nandor The Relentless: “It Doesn’t Matter That I’m An Infinitely Powerful Being, Doesn’t Mean Anything When You Live For Eternity.”
Everyone is excited in season 3, as it’s time to celebrate Nandor’s “Accession Day.” His roommates all dress up in silly costumes and Colin even starts belly dancing, which apparently happens once a year during this occasion. When Nandor gets up from his coffin, though, he’s not happy about any of it at all.
His reaction takes everyone by surprise, as he normally looks forward to this annual gathering. According to Nadja, he has a case of “vampire depression.” This becomes more obvious as Nandor talks to the camera crew about the meaningless routines of life, explaining how “everything loses its meaning” because vampires “live for eternity.” The rest of the group is understandably horrified by his uncharacteristic gloomy mood, especially his familiar turned bodyguard, Guillermo.
Laszlo Cravensworth: “I Said 'I’m Sorry.'”
Simon the Devious is back in season 2 and this time, he’s determined to get Laszlo’s cursed witch skin hat. The roommates are clueless about his intentions and feel bad enough to invite their “reduced crew” to temporarily stay in their home. The vampires did indirectly burn Simon’s nightclub to the ground, so they felt responsible for the homeless group.
Laszlo can see right through Simon’s lies, though, so he fights him and tries to evict the Leather Skins. He’s taken aback when Simon gifts them a bat made of sewer trash as a way to say thank you, which causes Laszlo to reluctantly apologize to Simon in front of Nadja. This is not something Laszlo would usually do, as he’s often unapologetic about his decisions, even when they’re wrong. Thankfully, everyone uncovers Simon’s sinister plot in the end and Laszlo gets his beloved witch skin hat back.