As an energy vampire in What We Do In The Shadows, Colin Robinson has the unique ability to drain emotions from his victims instead of blood. His deadpan humor and awkward interactions are always hilarious and have given fans some unforgettable moments throughout the years.
Colin’s best quotes capture his personality and original brand of humor that none of the other characters have. He usually chimes in during the most inappropriate moments, volunteering mundane information or trying out a new draining technique. From his distinctive use of trail mix to his thoughts on zoning ordinances, Colin often says the most entertaining things when he has the spotlight.
Updated on August 3rd, 2022, by Hannah Saab: Following his shocking death in the third season of WWDITS, there has been no shortage of debates and discussions leading up to the current fourth season of the series. The energy vampire is known for his dry humor and hilariously awkward interactions with others, which is hopefully a legacy that baby Colin will carry as he grows up. With new episodes revealing more about Colin's mini version, it's the perfect time to look back at some of his funniest quotes from the mockumentary's previous seasons.
“This Is My Office, Also Known As The Hunting Ground.”
When Colin is introduced to fans in season 1, they’re given a tour of his office. His day job is a running gag in What We Do In The Shadows, as nobody really knows what he does, not even Colin himself.
The only thing the energy vampire is sure of is how easy it is to victimize his colleagues who listen to him drone on about menial topics. At one point, he uses a mechanical pencil sharpener to annoy several of his coworkers so he could feed off of them all at once.
“When It Comes To Zoning Ordinances, I Have A Few Thoughts.”
The vampires are in deep trouble in the season 1 episode, “City Council.” After Baron Afanas threatens to kill them if they don’t take over New York, Colin suggests going to the Staten Island Borough Council to begin their domination.
Things don’t go exactly as planned for everyone else except for Colin, who is more than happy to take the microphone and talk about zoning ordinances. He’s familiar with the council, as he goes there every single week to do “a quick mega-feed” from the “smorgasbord of banality and despair.” There’s no telling how long his speech about zoning ordinances goes on, but it’s a great example of how he can take the most uninteresting topics and use them to bore his unwitting victims.
“I Wish You Nothing But Continued Success Feeding On The Addle-Brained Cattle That Waste Their Lives Around Us.”
In the third episode of season 1, the strange romance between Colin and Evie Russell takes center stage. Colin correctly guesses that she’s an energy vampire when he realizes Evie is draining others using pity. He mentions how since he’s met her, she’s had “at least six pairs of grandparents die,” which hinted at her true nature.
The two get into a chaotic relationship and combine their power to drain their coworkers. When Evie starts demonizing Colin in front of their colleagues, Colin decides that it’s an unhealthy relationship and says this line as they break up. It's an oddly touching scene where it seems like Colin actually cares about his manipulative counterpart.
“Yeah, I’m Not Positive What My Deal Is Either, So I Just Sort Of Keep On Truckin’.”
Since the premiere, Colin has become a likable character, despite nobody really knowing exactly where he’s from or what energy vampires are. In fact, Laszlo claims in season 1 that Colin just “came with the house.”
In the season 2 episode, “Ghosts,” the vampires are discussing whether it’s possible to have ghost versions of themselves since they were all formerly humans. Nandor says that he’s “not sure about” Colin’s place in this situation, to which the energy vampire responds with this humorous line. It’s an acknowledgment of how little is known about his past and how everyone, including Colin, has no real desire to find out.
“Updog?”
When Colin learns how to weaponize humor to drain his victims, he makes several failed attempts in the second episode of season 2 to use his new “Updog” joke. He unsuccessfully tries to get the camera crew, the other vampires, and even Guillermo to respond.
By the end of the day, Colin resorts to holding his own séance to summon the ghost of his grandmother just so he could tell his joke. She unsurprisingly falls for it and Colin is finally able to pull off the outdated gag. When she starts asking him about how he is, Colin loses interest and says they should “catch up another time.” He quickly blows out the candle and sends his grandma – who hasn’t spoken to anyone since she died – back into the void.
“Like You Give A S**t!”
The season 2 episode, “Colin’s Promotion,” proves that Colin is actually one of the scariest creatures in What We Do In The Shadows. When he unexpectedly gets a promotion at work and starts spending more time in the office, he becomes terrifyingly powerful.
Earlier in the episode, the group ignore Colin’s input about the artworks they were using to decorate the house. When Nadja realizes that the energy vampire is using his newfound abilities to manipulate them and feed off of their agitation, she asks him for his opinion on the décor. Colin retorts with this aggressive but funny line, which is out of character for the usually calm vampire.
“How 'Bout If, Uh, You Go Be Immortal At Brunch?”
In the fifth episode of season 1, the vampires find themselves in another absurd situation after Laszlo is captured by Staten Island Animal Control. Colin makes a comment about how daywalkers like him are more powerful than the traditional nightwalkers.
He goes on to explain how vampires often brag about their immortality but will “poof” from a ray of sunlight. Unlike Colin’s kind, these creatures of the night can’t take their immortality and brag about it over brunch. Indeed, Colin and Guillermo are the only ones the trio of vampires can rely on when they need something done during the day.
“One Of The Best Ways To Drain People’s Energy Nowadays Is Via The Internet.”
One thing that makes Colin one of the smartest characters on the show is his up-to-date knowledge of regular activities, like using the internet. In the subplot of the season 2 episode, “The Return,” Colin showcases how he can masterfully navigate the internet and use online fights and conversations to drain people from around the world.
Everything goes well until he encounters Norman Hule, who proves to be a resilient opponent with his witty comebacks and rude replies. Colin is able to track him down in real life and discovers that he’s literally a troll, although he takes offense from being called one. It’s a shocking twist that shows there are a lot of other fascinating creatures in the mockumentary’s universe.
“I Have My Trail Mix, Not To Eat, Of Course, But To Shove Into The Crevices Of The Seats.”
In the season 3 episode, “Gail,” Colin and Laszlo work together to dismantle Laszlo’s old jalopy, which they found hidden in a secret room of the Vampiric Council’s library. Laszlo details the history of his beloved “Stutz-Laszlo” which was originally made for Henry Ford.
The pair plan an exciting road trip and Laszlo tells Colin that they can go anywhere in the world – the energy vampire quickly decides he wants to visit Buffalo. To prepare for the road trip, he brings his iPod that has 25 copies of "Hey There Delilah." He also shows the camera crew a bag of trail mix that he will carefully stuff in the seats of the car. It’s a comical moment that highlights how Colin has mastered the art of annoying other people in the smallest ways.
“I Don’t Live To Drain, I Drain To Live.”
In the fifth episode of season 2, Colin's worst action in WWDITS leads to an important realization about how important Nadja, Laszlo, and Nandor are to him. After spending more time in the office and gaining immense power, he finds himself feeling unsatisfied and missing his housemates.
It only takes a few weeks for his company to go bankrupt thanks to his excessive draining. This prompts Colin to tone it down a bit and move to another workplace as his old self. He says this hilarious twist on the cliché “I don’t live to work, I work to live” after he settles back into his old routines. It’s doubtful that fans will ever see the energy vampire’s unbelievable powers again after that episode, as Colin is more satisfied being his mediocre self as long as he’s with his family.
“It's Like The Old Adage, You Know. Co-Workers Die, Vampire Roommates, They're Forever.”
Colin is initially hesitant to accept his surprising promotion at work, as he doesn't "want to do anything that takes away from" his "roomie time." His hilarious "old adage" is followed by a disappointing scene where his beloved roomies actually ignore him and accuse him of draining their energy.
The funny quote underscores how much Colin actually cares about his housemates, who don't always treat him the best way. As an energy vampire, he's usually the odd one out and has to deal with being excluded or forgotten, despite his great sense of humor.
“Let Me Cut To The Chizzle: Life Didn't Turn Out The Way You Planned.”
When Nandor wants a relationship with Meg, the receptionist in his local gym, he turns to Laszlo and begs him to use the Cloak of Duplication to flirt with her in Nandor's body. Laszlo passes this task to Colin, who enthusiastically goes to the gym to try out a technique called "negging."
What follows is a gut-busting sequence showing Colin's take on the problematic flirting technique, which uses emotional manipulation and backhanded compliments to seduce potential partners. After telling her she used to be hotter, Colin describes how she's a "fading beauty" who should be lucky to be with him. Needless to say, it was an epic failure.
“Okay, But What About Your Poop Bucket?”
During Guillermo's unfair imprisonment after his murderous rampage, the vampires are busy debating his fate. Colin inexplicably fixates on one particular task during this time, often asking Guillermo about the contents of his "poop bucket" and even volunteering to dig around in there in case there are any clues.
It's a completely nonsensical obsession that the other vampires understandably try their best to ignore. Even Guillermo is creeped out by Colin's constant nagging about this subject, which is funny at first, but soon borders on the absurd.
“Starting Tomorrow, Colin Robinson's Motto Is 'Young, Dumb, And Full Of Cum.'”
Right before Colin's shocking death in season 3, he makes sure to leave the vampires words to remember him by. While a lot of these words are just jokes about flatulence, he does manage to show how much he loves life with a humorous line that is also his new motto.
Colin wants to be "young, dumb, and full of cum," but he's unfortunately too dead to be any of those. Thankfully, the creature that emerges from his corpse – baby Colin – does manage to be young and dumb for most of his short existence. Only time will tell if baby Colin will live up to the high standard set by the original energy vampire on the show.
“But, Lazzo, Guess What?”
Baby Colin is quickly becoming more like Colin Robinson and an argument can be made that they are one and the same. From his boring facts about musical theater to the effortless way he infuriates everyone around him, it's clear that the new character isn't too dissimilar from the corpse he came out of.
A hilarious mistake by baby Colin has become a running gag in the fourth season, as the young character has a difficult time saying Laszlo's name. He calls him "Lazzo," and every "guess what" is followed by a totally unrelated and uninteresting fact that only annoys the vampire. It's a promising start to his hopefully long life as an energy vampire.