There's no question that Stefan and Damon both love Elena in The Vampire Diaries, but they don't always love her in a selfless way. The brothers often put their own wants and needs above Elena's and prioritize being with her over all else.
While Elena has done plenty to hurt the Salvatores in The Vampire Diaries, her actions are nowhere near as extreme. Stefan and Damon have been the source of Elena's physical and emotional pain and consistently endanger her life throughout the series. Both brothers are guilty of mistreating Elena, but some of their crimes are worse than others.
Stefan Struggles To Accept Elena As A Vampire
The unconditional love Stefan has for Elena makes the couple appear as if they're relationship goals in The Vampire Diaries. However, Elena's transition into a vampire isn't easy, and Stefan isn't very fond of who Elena becomes.
His inability to accept her is partially due to Elena's interest in Damon, which is understandably hard for Stefan to come to terms with. Yet, there's no way to justify treating Elena as if she's a toy that needs to be fixed. Elena struggles to adapt to her new life, and Stefan's attitude makes matters worse.
Stefan Watches Elena For Weeks
The supernatural component of The Vampire Diaries has a way of overshadowing Stefan's stalking. But just because the show brushes past it, doesn't mean it's justified. Determined to understand her resemblance to his ex, Stefan watches Elena for weeks.
Going up and talking to her never appears to be an option, despite making the most sense. Stefan lets Elena think she's paranoid when she accuses him of following her to the cemetery, even though all their meetings are premeditated.
Damon Tells Elena To Turn Off Her Humanity
Damon has good intentions when he tells Elena to flip her switch. Jeremy's death takes a toll on her unlike viewers have ever seen, and Damon's worried Elena won't survive the grief. Still, turning off her humanity is Elena's call to make.
By using the sire bond to persuade her, Damon has taken away her free will. Without emotions, Elena goes off the rails and inflicts damage that can't be undone. Regardless of his intent, Damon never should have made the choice for her.
Damon And Stefan Don't Realize Katherine Is In Elena's Body
Being unable to tell Elena and Katherine apart isn't a first for the Salvatores. Given that they're doppelgängers and Katherine is particularly good at manipulation, it's hard to place too much blame on Stefan and Damon.
When Katherine jumps into Elena's body and poses as her for weeks, there's no longer an excuse. Katherine is so busy chasing after Stefan she fails to act the part and puts up several red flags. They do eventually discover the truth, but it takes much longer than it should.
Stefan Lies To Elena About Katherine
The number of things Stefan lies to Elena about proves that he isn't the best boyfriend in The Vampire Diaries. Discovering that she's an exact clone of Stefan's ex-girlfriend isn't information Elena would react to well, but she still deserves to know who she is.
Stefan doesn't tell her the truth until after they sleep together, and he only opens up because Elena catches him in a lie. He's clearly worried that she'll think his feelings relate back to Katherine, which isn't unreasonable to assume. They may be two different people, but Elena's resemblance to his ex is what originally catches Stefan's eye.
Damon Compels Elena To Kiss Him
Because it happens so early in the series, many viewers forget about Damon's use of mind control on Elena. He eventually uses his compulsion for more noble purposes, but during the first couple of episodes, Damon attempts to take advantage of her.
He gives Elena a sexual dream about him and uses her as a pawn in his war with Stefan. If Elena hadn't been wearing her vervain necklace, she would've been forced to kiss Damon at the football game against her will.
Stefan Threatens To Drive Elena Off Of Wickery Bridge
Threatening to drive Elena off of Wickery Bridge is without a doubt the worst thing Stefan has ever done to Elena. His regard for Elena's emotional well-being is what makes him stand apart from his brother, but he switches roles with Damon in season 3.
Not only does Stefan feed Elena his blood and threaten to turn her into a vampire, but he does it on the bridge that her parents died. He uses Elena's fear to sell his story to Klaus, and it's heartbreaking to see the pain Stefan puts her through.
Damon Force-Feeds Elena His Blood
Stefan is also guilty of giving Elena vampire blood against her will, but he never has any intention of following through on his threats. While it's up for debate which brother's crime is worse, Damon's actions have more dire consequences.
By force-feeding Elena his blood before the sacrificial ritual, he goes against her wishes and seals her fate. Given Damon's own vampire origin story, it's especially shocking that he takes the choice away from the woman he loves. Elena only remains human because John Gilbert gives up his life to ensure it.
Damon Kills Aaron To Punish Elena
Damon is responsible for a lot of pain when it comes to Elena and her friends, but this instance sticks out in particular. While Elena doesn't know Aaron for long, Damon intentionally murders someone she cares about to punish her for their breakup.
It wouldn't come as a shock in the early seasons, yet Damon comes a long way from the person he is in the pilot. By killing Aaron, Damon throws his character development out the window. Although Katherine is the one who sends Damon off the rails, Elena shouldn't have to stay in a relationship to prevent Damon from killing her friends.
Damon Kills Jeremy After Elena's Rejection
Out of all the reasons why Damon can be considered unworthy of redemption in The Vampire Diaries, this one sticks out the most. His words and actions during this scene cross a line, and it's shocking that Elena is ever able to forgive him.
Damon is drunk, angry, and certain that Elena returns his feelings. He continuously tries to kiss her while she pushes him away, and her rejection causes him to lose control. Even if he knew Jeremy was wearing the Gilbert ring it would be no excuse, but when Damon kills the person Elena loves most, he believes it's for good.