Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is one of the funniest television comedies to come out in recent years. The story follows a young woman who was kept underground by a mad man for years only to be rescued and try to start a new life in New York City. The show is filled with outrageous humor and memorable characters, but the one who definitely steals the show is Titus Andromedon.
Titus is Kimmy's roommate, an aspiring actor who has enormous plans for himself despite having very little drive to achieve them. He is lazy, over the top, and lives a life filled with garbage and crazy outfits. The already fun show always becomes even better whenever Titus is onscreen, delivering some of the show's biggest laughs. Relive his funniest moments with the best Titus Andromedon quotes.
10 'Numbers, the most boring of all the shapes'
Quote: "Numbers, the most boring of all the shapes."
Titus is not what you would call a smart man. He has the ability to be smart but his laziness often gets in the way. He usually sticks to his distinct and bizarre areas of interest and has zero interest in the kind of knowledge that is helpful in daily life, like numbers.
When confronted by the possibility of doing some simple accounting, Titus is overwhelmed by the notion. It's not even the math involved that puts him off, but rather to dull nature of numbers in general. To be fair, there are a lot more interesting shapes out there.
9 'Black, gay, and old? I'm not even going to know what box to check on the hate crime form'
Quote: "Black, gay, and old? I'm not even going to know what box to check on the hate crime form."
Titus can sometimes convince himself that he is a beloved actor, despite not having any success whatsoever. However, he is also prone to having the occasional spell of very low confidence. In one particularly low moment, Titus realizes he's not as young as he once was, which can only mean he's an old man.
With this new realization, Titus finds yet another reason he will be mistreated by society. The show has many moments like this in which it was able to address real issues and injustices while still being funny.
8 'Go away, Lillian. I've decided to live as a bed from now on'
Quote: "Go away, Lillian. I've decided to live as a bed from now on."
The highs and lows of Titus' life can be quite dizzying. Whether it be his love life or his acting career, some days he feels like he's on top of the world, while others are not so good.
After suffering yet another set back in his life, Titus decides to leave it all behind. He is done with his failing relationships. He is done trying to make it as an actor. And he is done living as a human being. He finds his life makes much more sense living as a bed. Honestly, it feels like a pretty natural fit for him.
7 'Like 'snowbesity.' It's when you don't know if someone is fat or not because they're wearing a winter coat'
Quote: "Like 'snowbesity.' It's when you don't know if someone is fat or not because they're wearing a winter coat."
Titus might not be the most knowledgeable man when it comes to what's important, but he is prone to some bursts of creative genius. One of his well-honed talents includes being able to come up with plenty of fun new words, such as this helpful word for one of winter's biggest mysteries.
It turns out that when someone sits on the couch all day and doesn't have a steady job, they have plenty of time to think up such things. It might not be the biggest contribution to mankind, but it sure makes a lot of sense.
6 'Look at me. Talented. Dashing. Transcending. But no career and no agent. And just the one sock'
Quote: "Look at me. Talented. Dashing. Transcending. But no career and no agent. And just the one sock."
It's hard to know if Titus is truly aware just how much his life is in shambles. He understands that he is not living the life of luxury he thinks he deserves, but his life is just hilariously awful in every conceivable way. He clearly has a lot of confidence in his own talent and worth, but his life does not reflect that.
Not making it as an actor is one thing, but how can a person be down to just one sock in their life? They would almost have to try to achieve that. Credit to him though, he's making due with the one sock.
5 'Oh my sweet fancy Jesus, I'm a star! You're all dead to me'
Quote: "Oh my sweet fancy Jesus, I'm a star! You're all dead to me."
Despite coming from meager beginnings, you can sort of get the sense that Titus could very easily adjust to life as a rich and famous celebrity. He has been preparing for the moment he makes it for his entire life, and it seems more than ready to shed his down to earth demeanor in a heartbeat.
As soon as Titus sees his face on a poster for a small theater production, his ego takes over in almost a voluntary way. He's just been waiting to blow off the rest of society and can't wait to do it when his time comes.
4 'Stupid Kimmy. I don't give up on everything that I… whatever'
Quote: "Stupid Kimmy. I don't give up on everything that I… whatever."
Titus is not one who takes criticism well, no matter how true it happens to be. So when Kimmy suggests that Titus might not follow through on things effectively, he takes great offense to that. But taking offense does take a lot of time and energy, so he quickly gives up on that.
The oblivious nature of Titus is one of the funniest aspects of the character. In the same breath, he dismisses the criticism against him while showing it to be completely true. That's a true talent.
3 'You know how I'm like an astronaut? I'm out of this world. And I also once had to poop in a vacuum'
Quote: "You know how I'm like an astronaut? I'm out of this world. And I also once had to poop in a vacuum."
Speaking of Titus' oblivious nature, he fails to see how unusual his life is despite the evidence being overwhelming. No human being lives like he does and even though he acknowledges his bizarre behavior, he treats it like it's nothing out of the ordinary.
Even his simply and lame metaphor that was meant to compliment himself turns into a disgusting reveal. How would one even find themselves in a situation in which they would be forced to poop in a vacuum? Sadly, given the rest of Titus' life, it's not even all that surprising that he's done this.
2 'I envy you. I've never been able to meet me'
Quotes: "I envy you. I've never been able to meet me."
Titus can sometimes come off as a selfish person, but he is also capable of love. Although there is likely no one he will ever love more than himself. He is his biggest and, in many cases, only fan. So it is a great tragedy that he is the only one in the world who won't have the chance to meet Titus Andromedon.
Titus is actually missing out on quite an experience as there is clearly no one else on the planet like him. He is a totally unique and special person. Titus understands this and can only envy those who get to experience him for the first time. When you think about it, it's actually kind of sweet.
1 'But I already did something today'
Quote: "But I already did something today."
Titus' laziness is legendary. It is a miracle just getting him out of bed in the morning. When Kimmy enters his life, she helps to motivate Titus to actually accomplish things in his daily life which begins to fill him with purpose and direction. But sometimes she just pushes him too far.
After finally standing up for himself and beginning to head down the right path in life, Titus feels proud of himself. But when Kimmy adds a second task for the day, he breaks down in tears at the thought of giving more effort. Hilarious and totally relatable.