Looking Kimmy Schmidt, you'd think she has the perfect life. Surely somebody who smiles that much must be a billionaire who travels around on a flying unicorn, no? In actuality, Kimmy was kidnapped as a teenager and spent half her life trapped as a "Mole Woman" in an underground bunker cult. Upon her rescue, it may seem like Kimmy should be mad at the world for the time she's lost. Instead, she's overjoyed at the freedom that she does have.
Even though most of us don't share Kimmy's traumatic history, everybody's been through something. Like Jacqueline at lunch, life has chewed us up and spat us out. And guess what? We're still here, same as Kimmy. Here are 10 quotes from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt that are guaranteed to make you unbreakable.
"Hey, can I borrow a cup of flour? Some white kids outside want cocaine." - Lillian
Lillian the landlady may not be as outwardly chipper as our titular heroine, but despite her cynical New Yorker brand, Lillian's an optimist at heart. The woman barely has two cents to rub together (probably because she used her last pennies for earrings) but does she sit around moaning about her crappy lot in life? Fudging heck, no. When she's not passing off baking ingredients as street drugs, Lillian's fighting gentrification in her neighborhood or using a hammer as a bus pass. As quirky as she is, Lillian is an inspiration because she's a doer. To her, whining is like wearing a bra: she's got no time for it.
"A female dog? The thing that makes puppies? Nice compliment." - Kimmy
When someone is outright rude, it can throw us for a loop. Why are they like this? What made them say that? Why me? Spinning our neuroses wheels just gets us nowhere. Instead, why not take a page out of Kimmy's book (not Dawn and the Surfer Ghost) and turn your insulted frown upside down? That's what she does after Xanthippe calls her a b****.
If Kimmy can handle the bunker, then she can handle a bratty teenager. Xan should realize what show she's on, and that there's no breaking Kimmy. If anything, Kimmy's day just got better because she gets to spend it thinking about puppies.
"I envy you. I've never been able to meet me." - Titus
Given the size of his apartment, Titus really should have a smaller ego. But most of us don't have that problem. Usually, it's the opposite. We compare ourselves to others, belittle our appearance, and diminish our accomplishments. For the most part, we need a humble pie diet. While self-improvement is great, perhaps we could use a Titus day every now and then. No, that doesn't mean eating three jars of mayonnaise or mistaking our toes for candy. What it means is carrying ourselves as though we have the power to make someone's day, simply by being who we are.
"I've been waiting so long my Rachel's starting to Phoebe." - Jacqueline
Jacqueline may have more insecurities than dollars in her bank account, but one thing's for sure—she is not a woman to be kept waiting. Everyone is late once in a while, but the perpetually tardy could do with a gentle reminder to smarten up. If you can incorporate a '90s pop culture reference, all the better. No matter if you're a Mole Woman or a mistress, nobody deserves to be waiting on someone so long that they go through multiple Friends hairstyles. We've got charity galas to plan and offensive NFL team names to change. We're on the clock.
"It's so funny what people who have never been kidnapped think is scary..." - Kimmy
"It’s so funny what people who have never been kidnapped think is scary. Talking crows? I would have LOVED to meet a talking crow!"
There are some things in life that are legitimately scary. That being said, many of our fears are irrational and never materialize. It can be helpful to think that there are real people out there who have been through sheer horror. In comparison, the spider in our bathroom isn't so scary.
This way of thinking isn't meant to dismiss our fears; it's all about perspective. As usual, Kimmy is able to take her past experiences and use them to fuel positivity in the present. Plus, we have to imagine that a talking crow is a better conversationalist than Titus on one of his "can't even" days.
"I'm pretty but tough, like a diamond. Or beef jerky in a ballgown." - Titus
None of the Kimmy Schmidt characters are joining UFC any time soon. You probably wouldn't enlist any of them to be your bodyguard. But toughness isn't just physical strength. Everyone in the Kimmyverse has proven their mettle. Even Titus, who has admitted to falling asleep whilst eating a hot pocket. He may make sloths look enterprising, but he's been pursuing his singing dream for years. Chasing a career in the arts is not for the downtrodden.
When he can manage to get off the couch, Titus will do anything to scrape by. He's been a knockoff Iron Man and provided vocals for a song called "Boobs in California." Just like that song never gets out of your head, Titus never gives up on his dream.
"Changing your outside isn't going to fix what's wrong inside." - Kimmy
You don't have to be a snowflake college student with a thumb fetish to realize that we live in an image-obsessed, consumerist society. "This lipstick will give you confidence!" "These jeans will change your future!" Even Kimmy is ready to hop aboard the "change your looks, change your life" train. She's sick of being recognized as a Mole Woman. Kimmy goes so far as to considers plastic surgery, but realizes that a new face isn't going to change her history.
No doctor can nip-tuck our emotional scars. She may have an upbeat, can-do attitude, but Kimmy's got wounds to heal. There's no doubting she's unbreakable, but she's truly strong because she allows herself to be vulnerable.
"Just take it ten seconds at a time. Everything will be okay." - Kimmy
Life can get pretty overwhelming. Just ask Jacqueline. One minute she's the toast of the town, the next, she's getting a piddly little $12 million divorce settlement and she's the laughingstock of Manhattan's elite. Our own problems may not be nearly as dire, but things can snowball quickly. Sometimes an innocuous incident can have us leaping to a worst-case scenario. But with this simple Kimmy Schmidt survival tip, we can truly get through anything.
The best part is, it's not some grandiose philosophical concept. You can apply it right now. So the next time you're stuck in traffic, or down and out because Ray Liotta won't let you make plops in his convenience store washroom, just breathe. Ten seconds. You got this.
"The sooner you quit something that stinks, the sooner you find something that doesn't." - Lillian
How many of us have been told to never give up and to stick it out? That's great advice, but there's also power in letting go of something that isn't right for you. Kimmy's relationship with Dong is her first ever. But she's still new to the adult world and applying the never-say-die mentality to a failing relationship is just unhealthy.
Lillian has had just as many relationships as dead cats, and she knows when to pull the trigger. It may hurt to do so, but you're just opening yourself up to better things. We should all follow Lillian's advice and never settle. As she'll tell you, losing your alibi virginity should be special.
"Life beats you up..." - Kimmy
"Life beats you up. You can either curl up in a ball and die, or you can stand up and say, "We're different and you can't break us!"
This is why Kimmy's always smiling, or "Kimmying". She refuses to curl up in a ball. In reality, we can smile as much as we want, but life isn't puppy bouquets and all-year Christmas stores. Kimmy has some real problems. She suffers night terrors and is easily triggered by reminders of the bunker. The show's loud colors and jaunty score don't cover that up, nor does it try to. But Kimmy is more than just a Wendy's mascot lookalike; she's a survivor. If a crazy cult leader/Durnsville, Indiana DJ couldn't break her, good luck, rest of the world. Kimmy Schmidt is strong as hell.