It's a miracle! Netflix's Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is about a woman navigating the confusing, overwhelming real world after being abducted and held in an underground bunker for fifteen years. This sounds like a rather dark premise, but Kimmy Schmidt is one of the most hilarious, hopeful shows on TV. Kimmy really is unbreakable, not allowing herself to mourn for the years lost, but embracing her freedom and all of life's small pleasures in New York City.
Another hero grateful to escape his miserable circumstances for a magical new world is Harry Potter. Hagrid whisked him away from the abusive Dursleys and brought him to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. What would happen if Kimmy followed suit and rounded up her friends (and enemies) and transported them to the world of Harry Potter? If Times Square made Kimmy giddy, she'd be bouncing off the walls during the Sorting Hat Ceremony. What houses would the hysterical, disparate souls of Kimmy Schmidt find themselves in? Here are Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Characters Sorted Into Their Hogwarts Houses.
10 Kimmy Schmidt - Hufflepuff
It takes the emotional buoyancy of a Hufflepuff to make it out of the bunker and still maintain a megawatt smile. Slytherins would vow revenge, Ravenclaws would calculate how much time they lost down to the millisecond, and Gryffindors would bemoan the SWAT team for rescuing them before they could escape for themselves. Not Hufflepuff Kimmy. She's grateful for her freedom and though there's some understandable emotional scarring, Kimmy grabs hold of her new life in the Big Apple and takes a bite.
Kimmy makes friendships right away, proving to her cynical New Yorker pals that Hufflepuff loyalty isn't the stuff of fairy tales. However, like many Hufflepuffs before her, Kimmy can fall prey to people wanting to take advantage of her good nature. But Kimmy always bounces back. She sees the good in everyone—except the Reverend—and she has the ability to win over everyone she meets, even notorious grumpette Xanthippe. Not matter what life throws at her, Kimmy's just happy to be alive...dammit!
9 Titus Andromedon - Slytherin
While Titus may not be a wealthy man, he's sure rich in ego. Not having a dime to his name doesn't stop him from acting like a spoiled Slytherin. He treats Kimmy like an unpaid personal assistant, sending her out on a number of errands when he "can't even" today.
Titus is so lazy he makes sloths look like Type-A marathon runners. He'll only get off the couch to pursue his own selfish desires. When Titus wants to get cast on Sesame Street, he's willing to endure the unmitigating agony of waking up before noon to stalk the casting director at an outdoor exercise class—the horror! Not only is Titus able to accomplish his goal, but he's also able to steal someone's snack in the process. Titus rewards himself with a self-congratulatory pat on the back...which happens to the Slytherins' secret handshake.
8 Lillian Kaushtupper - Gryffindor
Lillian is stubborn as an ox, or a Gryffindor lion. Much like Hermione and her campaign for House Elf rights, Lillian will act out against anything she disagrees with in the most outrageous way possible. Her most impassioned cause? Fighting the gentrification of her beloved, sketchy East Dogmouth Neighborhood. She was turned into a viral YouTube laughing stock after she chained herself to a bulldozer in protest...even though workers still continued to use the bulldozer. But Gryffindor Lillian had the last laugh and she ended up nabbing a seat on city council, much to the chagrin of the other councilors.
Gryffindors are known to be wild and passionate. Lillian has a Russian novel's worth of raunchy, TMI stories that she's only too happy to share with Kimmy and Titus when she barges into their apartment. According to Gryffindors, rules are meant to be broken. Hence, Lillian looting from raccoons' nests and using a hammer as a public transit pass.
7 Jacqueline White - Slytherin
Most Slytherins are born into an affluent life, but as Jacqueline wasn't, she had to rely on her Slytherin cunning to get herself there. However, as much as Jacqueline enjoys her shallow, pure-blood life, she doesn't allow it to cost her her self-worth. When her husband cheats on her with their couples' therapist, Jacqueline divorces him, accepting the peasantly settlement of $12 million.
Slytherins often ensnare the gullible to do their dirty work, as demonstrated by Jacqueline, who takes advantage of Kimmy's naïveté on several occasions. However, Jacqueline is a more than capable woman in her own right. As Titus' talent agent, she was able to sell out tickets to the high school play he directed. Of course, Jacqueline accomplished this feat by lying to buyers, telling them it was a very trendy piece of "immersive theater". Cockamamie fibs are always best delivered by a Slytherin.
6 Cyndee Pokorny - Hufflepuff
Like Kimmy, Cyndee is a bubbly, upbeat person who is thrilled about her release from the bunker. However, now freed, they take totally different approaches to life. Kimmy tries to distance herself from her Mole Woman identity at all costs, but Cyndee embraces it. She's the center of attention, gets a ton of free stuff, and nabs her grade-school crush, Brandon.
Cyndee may seem like a dopey hayseed, but she's more clever than she lets on. When Titus learns Brandon is gay, he and Kimmy dread sharing the news with Cyndee. But it turns out Cyndee knows and doesn't care. All that matters is that Brandon wants to be with her (out of pity). If anyone can find the silver lining, it's a Hufflepuff.
5 Donna Maria Nuñez - Ravenclaw
What's worse: being trapped in a bunker or being trapped in a bunker with a bunch of mega-giggly teenagers? How did Donna Maria not tear her hair out after the millionth reading of Dawn and the Surfer Ghost? She used her intelligence. Ravenclaws are proud loners and the Spanish-speaking Donna Maria pretended to not know any English in order to keep interactions with the other Mole Women to a minimum.
Like Cyndee, upon release, Donna Maria wanted to use her Mole Woman status to her advantage, but not for a life built on a lie. No, Donna Maria capitalized on her new fame by selling her punny brand of mole sauce.
4 Gretchen Chalker - Slytherin
Not every Slytherin is an evil mastermind. Keep in mind, Voldemort needed mindless followers to be his Death Eaters. We can't all be the Dark Lord, you know. In Kimmy Schmidt, Gretchen was the only Mole Woman to join the cult voluntarily. When the SWAT team rescued them, she didn't want to leave. Beyond brainwashed, Gretchen only snapped out of it when the Reverend was proven guilty at his trial.
After this revelation, one might think Gretchen would start a new life like Kimmy or cash in on her teenage fantasies like Cyndee. But Gretchen is a Slytherin after all, so she decided to form her own cult. Given the chance, Gretchen would totally refashion the Slytherin common room into a bunker.
3 Mikey Politano - Hufflepuff
Mikey's a sweet guy who enjoys a hard day's work. Plus his name practically spells "polite". How could he not be a Hufflepuff? Mikey's new to the gay dating scene and is thrilled to enter a relationship with Titus. Though they have a strong connection, Titus and Mikey have very little in common. Mikey likes sports and Titus likes naps. Opposites attract, but can they really work long-term? Initially, Titus doesn't think so and breaks up with a devastated Mikey. Mikey is heartbroken and says he'd do anything for Titus, a common sentiment for the loyal, loving Hufflepuff.
However, Titus quickly realizes this was a mistake and he sets out to win Mikey back. He succeeds and the two are married. Sweetheart Hufflepuffs like Mikey don't come along every day.
2 Richard Wayne Gary Wayne/The Reverend/DJ Slizzard - Slytherin
He imprisoned four women in an underground bunker for fifteen years. Who else but a Slytherin could do that? As snakelike as he is, the Reverend sure doesn't make his house proud. After all he was found guilty via an audition tape for The Apprentice. If that doesn't make his fellow Slytherins hang their heads in shame, nothing will.
His arrogance knows no bounds, whether he's the Reverend, or his alter-ego DJ Slizzard. DJ Slizzard thinks he's cooler than Ice Cube, despite his Yelp reputation as "Durnsville's Worst DJ". However, he has at least one fan in dopey DJ Fingablast, who films a documentary about him. This inflates DJ Slizzard's already ginormous Slytherin ego.
1 Xanthippe Voorhees - Slytherin
If Draco Malfoy was a Manhattan trust fund baby, he'd be Xanthippe Voorhees. After the Reverend, she has proven to be Kimmy's biggest antagonist. When Kimmy gets hired as Buckley's nanny, Xan is on a one-woman mission to get the former Mole woman fired. All her schemes fail, which makes Xanthippe hate Kimmy even more.
Though popular in high school, Xanthippe doesn't fit in in college and for the first time, her privilege works against her. Xan has to swallow her Slytherin pride and enlists Kimmy in winning over her new roommates. She later goes to Jacqueline—another woman Xan didn't respect—for help during a pregnancy scare. Xanthippe definitely mellows out over the years, but one petulant eye roll leaves no doubt she's in the right house.