The Olsen twins: Too much of a bad thing

As most of us are painfully aware, the Olsen twins' first starring vehicle, New York Minute, is currently in theaters. Not surprisingly, the movie's box office performance was less than impressive, with an estimated $6.2 million during its first weekend. What I'm wondering is who approved this movie for release in theaters when there are so many other (i.e. better) movies that never see the light of day.

New York Minute should have been an Oscar favorite. My goodness, with the world's favorite twins playing (brace yourself) twins who inadvertently find themselves on the wrong end of a black-market transaction in a shameless Ferris Bueller ripoff, how can you go wrong? That should have been money in the bank, right? Yeesh...

I just don't get it. How (and better yet, why) do these girls end up in so many movies? All their previous dreck has been straight-to-video, but this is their first theatrical release. Who thought this was a good idea? Better yet, who is their target audience? Aside from female teeny-boppers who "want to be just like them someday" and teenage boys (and teenage boys at heart) who are salivating over a countdown clock to the twins' 18th birthday, who else is left?

Actually, the twins may play dimwits in the movies, but in real life, they are quite savvy. That small target audience may not help them break box office records, but the twins have a product line (makeup, curling irons, etc.) aimed directly at the teeny-boppers that has bumped their net worth up to an estimated $1 billion. That's BILLION, with a B. And to put it all in perspective, these girls have a high school senior prom coming up later this month, which they will miss because they have to host Saturday Night Live the same night. Gosh, don't you just, like, hate those pesky schedule conflicts? What EVER...

The only thing I can think is that these girls have very street-smart parents because they have received McDonald's caliber marketing almost from birth. (They starred in Full House as infants.) The merchandising, while horrifying to folks like myself, was a stroke of genius, and the fact that they can keep coming out with wretchedly awful movies (and now in theaters, no less!) is beyond explanation. I think it's a crying shame that talent is towards the bottom of the list of things people need to be successful in Hollywood. But at least the tepid box office sends a message: If we have to shell out $10 just for the ticket, it had better be worth our time. That's too many bones to be plunking down just to see shlock. Wow, who knew that wretchedly expensive movie ticket prices could actually have an upside?

I know you're not a big fan of Roger Ebert, Vic, but he said it best. Just before he gave New York Minute a big thumbs-down, he said something like, "All the girls watching this movie will be saying to themselves, 'I can do that.' And you know what? They can, because the Olsen twins are completely untalented."

The best part is that the old saying is true. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Their E! True Hollywood story ought to be interesting. I have a gripe about E! doing True Hollywood Stories on people way before they completely hit rock bottom, but that's another rant entirely.


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