Seth MacFarlane’s directorial debut, Ted, tells a familiar story for a romantic comedy. A slacker is torn between the friend who indulges his immature habits and the love interest who wants him to grow up. The twist here is that the friend is a talking teddy bear, brought to life by a childhood wish.
Unsurprisingly for the first movie from the creator of Family Guy, Ted is filled with hilarious lines that fans have been quoting since the anthropomorphic toy burst onto screens in the summer of 2012.
“Hello, 911? I Need The Police Right Away! This Guy Took My Teddy Bear! Hello?” - John
At the turn of Ted’s third act, tragedy strikes as the titular teddy is abducted by an obsessive superfan. This is John’s “all is lost” moment, as he might lose his best friend for good.
But while the audience can understand the gravity of the situation, John struggles to convey it to a 911 operator over the phone. When he tries to report the theft of his teddy bear, the operator just hangs up on him.
“Nothing Is As Powerful As A Young Boy’s Wish... Except For An Apache Helicopter.” - The Narrator
It wouldn’t really feel like a MacFarlane project if the great Patrick Stewart didn’t show up in some form or another. Stewart’s rich, unmistakable voice provides the narration for the Ted movies.
After setting up the fairytale premise of the story, the narrator rambles on about how great Apache helicopters are: “An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.”
“He Only Had Three Other Batches: ‘Gorilla Panic,’ ‘They’re Coming, They’re Coming,’ And Something Called ‘This Is Permanent.’” - Ted
As John and Ted spend the majority of their time on the couch with their bong watching Flash Gordon, Ted is a quintessential stoner movie. There’s a running joke throughout the movie and its sequel that all the pot strains Ted’s dealer has in stock sound like a paranoia-inducing nightmare.
While Ted insists the high is “actually pretty mellow,” the names “This is Permanent” and “They’re Coming, They’re Coming” would suggest otherwise.
“Death To Ming!” - Sam J. Jones
One of the main hallmarks of Ted and John’s friendship is their obsession with the cult classic Flash Gordon movie starring Sam J. Jones. When Ted throws a party at his new apartment, he’s stunned when Jones himself shows up.
John races over there to meet Jones, who toasts his starstruck fans by quoting his most iconic character. John paraphrases Queen’s classic theme song: “I thank you for saving every one of us.” Jones says, “You’re welcome,” and an excited Ted says, “He acknowledged it!”
“There’s A S*** On My Floor! In The Corner, There Is A S***!” - Lori
While John and Lori are out having their anniversary dinner, Ted invites some sex workers over to their apartment to watch the Adam Sandler movie Jack & Jill. When John and Lori get home, Lori is horrified to find that one of them used the corner of her living room as a bathroom on a dare.
When she angrily asks about the mess in the corner, Ted says, “We were playing Truth or Dare and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.” Mila Kunis hysterically delivers Lori’s overwhelmingly disgusted reaction the same way anyone would if they found evidence of defecation in their living room.
“I Was The King Of The ‘80s. I Was Ted F****** Danson!” - Ted Danson
One of the times John ditches work to hang out with Ted, it’s because his teddy bear has bought a Cheers DVD box set with revelatory cast interviews in the bonus features. Ted Danson cameos as himself, talking about how much cocaine there was on the set of the show and boldly declaring himself to be “the king of the ‘80s.”
MacFarlane nails the deadpan delivery when a fascinated Ted says, “See, that’s why I watch these things. That’s like a cool behind-the-scenes thing you wouldn’t know.”
“That Dude From Your Office Is On The Couch, Making Out With That Van Wilder-Looking Guy.” - Ted
Ryan Reynolds makes a silent cameo appearance in Ted (and went on to make another silent cameo appearance in MacFarlane’s next movie, A Million Ways to Die in the West). He appears in both the party scene and the wedding scene as Patrick Warburton’s boyfriend.
Four years before Deadpool would make Reynolds the face of self-aware comedy, Ted referred to his unnamed character as “that Van Wilder-looking guy.”
“My Daughter Better Still Be Alive, You Sick Son Of A B****.” - Tom Skerritt
There’s a running joke throughout the movie as John’s boss, played by Veep’s Matt Walsh, is desperate to prove he’s close personal friends with actor Tom Skerritt. He shows off a picture of himself with Skerritt and claims that he played minigolf with Skerritt’s wife and kid.
This running gag is hilariously paid off in the final scene when Skerritt appears as himself and it’s revealed that John’s boss has kidnapped Skerritt’s child just so he’d go with him to John’s wedding as his plus-one.
“TEDDY RUX-F******-PIN!!!” - John
Ted and John spill a lot of home truths in the argument leading up to their fight in John’s motel room. For Ted, the final straw is when John says, “Sometimes, I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin.”
Offended at the comparison with a more popular line of teddy bear, Ted says, “Say that one more time.” John yells Teddy Ruxpin’s name and Ted angrily attacks him, kickstarting the hilarious fight scene.
“Oh, Come On, I Do Not Sound That Much Like Peter Griffin!” - Ted
In one of the jump cuts during the party montage, John does an impression of Ted’s distinctive New England accent and he claims that he doesn’t sound “that much like Peter Griffin.”
This is a self-aware nod to the fact that Ted sounds eerily similar to a different New England-accented Seth MacFarlane character, the bespectacled patriarch from Family Guy. MacFarlane got ahead of all the fans who would inevitably make that comparison within the movie itself.