With its deft combination of psychological suspense, gore, and humor, Tales from the Crypt will be remembered as one of the greatest horror anthology series of recent decades. Occupying a strange space between The Twilight Zone and Goosebumps, it premiered on HBO in 1989 and presented episodic vignettes covering everything from serial killers and schizophrenic socialites to maniacal mothers and violent ventriloquists.
Every episode was introduced with ghoulish puns by the Crypt Keeper, a holdover from the run of EC Comics in the '50s that featured several of the series' plots. Not all of the episodes were lifted straight out of the comics, and many were written by some of film and television's most creative minds. Directors like Robert Zemeckis would often direct episodes, making them feel almost cinematic. Not all episodes were of the same caliber, however, so read on to see which 5 episodes were the scariest, and which 5 episodes were lame.
SCARY: WHAT'S COOKIN'
This episode of Tales From The Crypt creates the best ghoul-ash of ingredients, combining humor, horror, and entertainment. It begins with a couple, Fred and Erma, who are down on their luck, stuck running a failing restaurant where their idea of a daily special is "Squid on a Stick."
Enter a mysterious customer (played by Judd Nelson), who promises to revitalize their menu with a mysterious recipe for steak. Nelson clearly has fun being diabolical with his role, and those who deserve to eat well at Fred and Erma's...
LAME: THE VENTRILOQUIST'S DUMMY
Sometimes, you shouldn't meet your heroes, a lesson that aspiring ventriloquist Billy Goldman soon learns when he goes in search of Mr. Ingels, a once widely renowned and popular ventriloquist who, after a horrible accident involving a fire disappeared into seclusion.
With Mr. Ingels being played by comedic legend Don Rickles, expect some humor, but as anyone who's returned the relentless gaze of an unblinking dummy, there's always the possibility for horror. The episode is entertaining up until a particular twist at the end that reveals the source of Mr. Ingels' "skill," which is completely random and almost ruins the whole thing.
SCARY: DEATH OF SOME SALESMEN
When a traveling salesman comes knocking on the door of the Brackett Family, he thinks he's found easy pickings. The trio of hillbillies seem like they're gullible enough to fall for anything, and he quickly plans to drain them of all of their savings. The horror veteran Tim Curry plays each member of the Brackett Family with delightful devilishness.
What seems like an episode filled with slapstick humor and sight gags involving the hapless hicks soon takes a turn for the sinister. The salesman soon makes a surprising discovery - the Brackett Family members aren't as dumb as they appear, and he isn't the first salesman they've found creative ways to deal with.
LAME: KING OF THE ROAD
For those eagle-eyed fans of Tales From The Crypt that like to spot the Hollywood stars before they made it big, "King of the Road" features a very young Brad Pitt as a punk rock drag-racer, intent on challenging one of the greatest to ever burn rubber, Iceman.
Billy (Pitt) endeavors to contact Iceman, who is nowadays a local sheriff, having gotten out of the drag racing scene a long time ago. To challenge the lawman to a race, Billy kidnaps and holds his daughter until the Iceman agrees to the terms. All in all, it's a pretty ridiculous premise, though you do end up rooting for the drag racer's satisfying comeuppance because Pitt is so obnoxious.
SCARY: TELEVISION TERROR
When a TV personality known only for covering the most shocking topics decides to visit a haunted house, it becomes one of the most hair-raising episodes of his career. He selects for his assignment a house once occupied by a woman who killed all her siblings so that she could collect their insurance money.
This episode, while it may have a predictable story to some, is big on atmosphere. The episode follows the TV host as he goes through each gloomy room, the claustrophobia and fear sets in with each creaking floorboard and moving shadow.
LAME: THE THIRD PIG
For some reason only known by the Crypt Keeper, the series finale of Tales of the Crypt was animated. It tells the story of the Three Little Pigs, except as a horror-comedy that looks like what might have happened if the animation studio of Family Guy tried to adapt the fable.
One of the three little pigs is convicted of killing his two brothers. After being tried by a wolf jury, he's found guilty. Knowing it was really the Big Bad Wolf who committed the crime, the pig makes a Frankenpig out of his siblings and goes after the real killer.
SCARY: AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE
For those who like a little horror with their holiday spirit, this episode is like the best Christmas gift. It focuses on a mother who, after putting her daughter to bed, decides to kill her husband in the living room with a hot poker from the fireplace. She proceeds to try to hide the body in the backyard but is thwarted by an escaped mental patient dressed as Santa.
She's now trapped in the house in an unusual predicament; she can't call the police because they'll find the body of her husband, but if she doesn't try to get help the deranged patient will kill her and her daughter. She ends up calling her mother, who shows up with a bizarre guest.
LAME: DEADLINE
In one of the more psychological episodes of the series, gore and suspense are traded for atmosphere and tone. Coming across as a poor man's version of the much more terrifying movie Nightcrawler, an ex-reporter whose biggest scoops are long behind his has turned to alcohol and boredom. When he meets a beautiful young woman, he's inspired to continue searching for the ultimate story.
Unfortunately, this leads to him committing crimes on his own. The film depicts the reporter's sort of sad downward spiral, with a predictably tragic end. Definitely not scary, though it does present interesting talking points on the lengths a person will go for respect and success.
SCARY: CARRION DEATH
A classic tale of terror as only Tales from the Crypt can tell, this episode begins with a lowly criminal robbing a bank and making a desperate attempt to cross the desert to Mexico. A police officer pursues him relentlessly, until both of their vehicles crash. But the officer isn't done just yet, emerging from the wreckage to continue the chase.
Eventually, the criminal (Dune's Kyle MacLachlan) ends up killing the police officer, but not before the latter handcuffs himself to the former and swallows the key. The suspense-ridden pursuit gives way to the slow, dogmatic journey as the criminal drags the cop's body across the Arizona desert, with a mysterious vulture that follows his every move, waiting.
LAME: THE KIDNAPPER
In an otherwise weak Season 7, this episode is often cited as one of the better offerings, which isn't saying much for the quality of the show's final season. It involves a man who takes pity on a young pregnant woman by taking her in, only to fall in love with her while he helps her get on her feet.
All seems fine until the bouncing bundle of joy arrives. Out of petty jealousy, he goes from a compassionate lover to a conniving sociopath. The only scary thing about this episode is that he 'll do whatever it takes to make the kid disappear forever and that you - the viewer - has to sit through the entire story. The last point is more impressive than scary.