A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, we were enthralled by an epic story of civil war, space battles, intergalactic politics, a religion that gives you magic powers, lost siblings, found love and one of cinema's biggest twists to ever occur.
It's Star Wars, baby!
When this now-timeless classic dropped in 1977, the world had never seen anything like it. City streets were obstructed with lines of eager viewers waiting to watch this story and then watch it again. That fascination and fanatic excitement is still building, until right now. Yes, even as you read this, people are buying tickets for the next instalment, The Last Jedi, hitting theaters in about a month! We cannot wait.
However, let us never forget: Star Wars is nonsense.
No, no all of it of course, not even most of it. However, there are some truly key moments in this series that make an absolute zero sense. These include everything from weak plot to weird ship designs and yes, a few issues we have when it comes to poor Chewbacca.
Odds are, a few of the ideas below might blow your mind. But as Han would say, "Never tell me the odds!" And so, we present 21 Things Wrong With Star Wars That We All Choose To Ignore.
21 The Skywalker Family
Imagine you are Obi-Wan Kenobi, robes and all, and you have to hide the secret twin children of the world's most badass assassin (he slaughtered everyone after all, even the younglings!)
The girl, you give to a senator-prince who can use his connections and money to make sure she grows up with power, knowledge, social grace, and a true hatred of the Empire.
The other you give to the villain's stepbrother and let him keep his father’s last name.
Luke is placed with Owen Lars, step-brother to Anakin Skywalker, and then the baby keeps the Skywalker surname. We've heard of hiding in plain sight, but come on, really?
Now, granted, you could say that Vader didn't know about the children, but let's be fair, lots of people did. The odds of that secret remaining hidden were very low. When Vader finds out that his kids are alive, where's the first place he's going to look? Oh, we don't know, but we bet that Star Destroyer suddenly hovering beyond above Tatooine pretty much answer the question.
20 Leia's Meet-And-Greet
Yes, we love that first scene in A New Hope between Leia and Vader, where she pretends to be on a diplomatic mission and he tells she’s a liar with space pants on fire.
Why doesn’t Vader know she’s his daughter - or, you know, at least feel it with the Force? He certainly did with Luke when they met face-to-face for the first time, shouldn't it work the same way? We know there's a long way in the series at this point until the reveal of the Skywalker connection, but it's a pretty big oversight not for Vader to recognize his own kid.
Instead of torturing Leia, we deserved a tear-filled family reunion where Vader cries little oil droplets... and then, you know, still goes on to the torture of her for information. She is still is a member of the rebel alliance and a traitor, of course.
19 Weakest Armor In The Galaxy
The Stormtrooper armor is one of the most iconic outfits in existence. Sleek, faceless, evil, it looks like if a robot had a gleaming white skull for a face. It strikes fear in the heart of even the bravest warrior.
Sadly, that’s pretty much all it does.
Stormtroopers die faster than your average Red Shirt. One shot from a laser blast and they’re down. Hell, even a few well-placed rocks being thrown by giant living teddy bears on the moon of Endor caused them to fall.
Armor is supposed to protect you, or at least give you some deflection from being hurt in battle. Sadly, this doesn’t seem to be worth any more than the plastic it’s made from. Come on Empire, we know you think people are expendable, but this is ridiculous.
18 Riding A Motorcycle Through The Jungle
Just when you thought the Empire couldn’t make any worse decisions on what to ride, along comes Return of The Jedi.
No questions, the speeder bikes on Endor are cool. They were basically hovering motorcycles with lasers.
But you know where you wouldn’t ride a motorcycle? The jungle!
These rides would be incredible on long open terrain, like a desert or plain. Get on, zip across the world without a care in the world. But in the forest, you're basically guaranteed to crash into a tree at any speed, much less going so fast the world starts to blur. We're not even sure you'd make it ten feet without hitting something.
We don’t care how good a pilot your average stormtrooper is, this ends in an explosion every single time.
17 How "Quick" Is The Millennium Falcon?
Han Solo meets Luke Skywalker and tells him he's got one of the fastest ships in the fleet: "She'll make point five beyond the speed of light. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
Elsewhere, they say the galaxy is 120,000 light years in diameter.
Therefore, if you're going to be travelling even at top speed, it's still going to take months to get from galaxy to galaxy. This has been debated and retconned pretty heavily, but the point remains, the ship isn't fast enough to really get anywhere fast.
Also, didn't it always seem that no matter how fast the Falcon was going, those Star Destroyers and tie-fighters were always catching up and overtaking them. What was the deal with that?
16 The Problem With Droids
Technically, Star Wars happens a long time ago, however, it still feels like the future to us. You’ve got ships that fly through space at the speed of light and robots that have unique personalities and full-on artificial intelligence
But don’t you think about combining the two! Oh heavens no, never!
Droids have all this artificial intelligence but ships still need buttons pushed, levers pulled, and real captains to fly them. Where are the computers that can speak to you or do these things for you? What kind of future/past is this?
We’d never be one to pick a side in the great debate, but in this case, we’re giving points to Star Trek and its amazing talking computers.
15 The Sarlacc Isn't Such A Monster
When Luke and Han disrespected the great Jabba the Hutt, he decides to have them walk the plank of his barge, right into the mouth of the all-power Sarlacc:
"In his belly, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering, as you are slowly digested over a thousand years," C-3P0 tells the would be victims.
It's a very scary thought, but in the end, not really as terrifying as it sounds. Before you were eaten slowly for 1,000 years, you'd surely die of starvation. The only way this works is if the monster was somehow feeding you and keeping you alive as it ate you, which defeats the purpose of its food being its nourishment. Even then, you still wouldn't live for 1,000 years.
A gruesome death? For sure. But the worst torture in existence? Seems like the math's a little off on that one.
14 Living Inside A Space Slug
One of the best scenes in Empire has Han and Leia hiding out in a cave after making a daring escape. Only winged parasites have gotten on the ship and something not's quite right about the ground they landed on, and so they strap on some breathing masks and go out to investigate.
Turns out, it's not a cave, it's a giant slug living in space.
Hold up, what?
How are they possibly walking around? Where is the atmosphere inside this monster? Sure, these two can't breathe the air, but they'd freeze and their blood would literally boil while stranded in space. And this doesn't even come close to explaining how the little Mynoks would fly around inside this gap in space.
But, let's say that, somehow, this monster does have an atmosphere inside of him. Every time it opened its mouth, all of it would simply rush out into space (like say, when the Falcon entered in the first place), and everyone would die anyway.
Moral of the story, don't walk around in a space cave without a space suit!
Ready for more science?
So, Newton's law of universal gravitation states that: "A particle attracts every other particle in the universe using a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between their centers."
Summed up: different sized planets create different strength of gravity because, yes, they're different sizes. This is why you can bounce on the moon.
So why, oh my why, is all the gravity exactly the same on every single planet in the Star Wars universe, despite us literally seeing them vary in size? Everyone walks the same, jumps the same, is the same. It's just too much. Believing in the power of the Force is one thing, but a blatant disregard of the laws of science is just something we cannot abide.
12 Oh, Forgetful Obi-Wan
Remember in the prequels when Obi-Wan was a young man and went on some crazy adventures with his master, his trainee, and the one little R2 unit who was always with them? Remember when that same droid saved his life a bunch of times?
If you're anything like Obi-Wan, then the answer is: "R2D-who?"
Poor R2-D2 played a gigantic role in the early prequels. And yet, when he arrives with Luke to Tatooine in A New Hope, the old man acts like he's never met the droid before.
We understand that R2's memory was wiped but what's the deal with Obi-Wan? If he was pretending to act like he didn't know R2, to what purpose, since he tells Luke (basically) everything else and then accompanies them both on the journey.
11 The True Cost Of The Death Star
As Luke, Obi-Wan, Han and Chewie discovered along with us, this fully-operational battle station was as gigantic in size as it was in destruction... and that's the issue. This is the Empire's terror, able to travel around the galaxy, causing fear and blowing up planets.
However, how would they ever pilot this nonsense? Ever tried to drive a gigantic truck? Now imagine that truck was a damn moon. How would you ever make it go to the other side of a planet, much less across the galaxy?
Honestly, that's not even the real issue here. The problem is cost. A great man named Ryszard "Rick" Gold worked out the calculations and found out that with steel, shipping, and air needed for the inside of the space station, the cost of building the Death Star would be $15,602,022,489,829,821,422,840,226.94, or $15.6 Septillion. That's a lot of credits, and that’s just for the shell. It doesn't even count the cost of equipment or staff!
Plus, you have to remember, the Rebels blew up the first one. The Empire actually had to spend that money twice. Yikes.
10 Intergalactic Email
We love the start of A New Hope. Ship under attack, princess running from a deadly invader, handing off secret important plans to a plucky droid and the adventure begins.
You've got intergalactic travel and advanced technology, but you're going to tell us no one has invented space email? Why did these plans have to be in physical form, when they could have just been transmitted anywhere in the galaxy. It wasn't like the rebellion needed to keep it secret that they had them, the Empire already knew! That's why they were being chased in the first place!
This poked us in the side even more after Rogue One and we literally saw Jyn transmit the plans from databank to a rebel ship. You have the technology, guys, use it!
9 The Empire's Real Trap, Real Plans
It’s a trap!
Granted, we love pretending to be the fishy Admiral Ackbar and screaming and memeing this when things go wrong. We also agree, the Empire set a pretty good trap at the end of Return, leading the rebel’s into harm’s way to finish them off once and for all.
Except, they provided their enemies, needlessly, with all the real information!
Why, for Force’s sake, did they need to give them the plans that would actually destroy the second Death Star. Couldn’t they just have given the right location but the wrong info, all but dooming the poor rebel once they were all the Empire’s clutches with nowhere to go?
This once again proves that for being an evil intergalactic superpower, the Empire is really, really bad with data.
8 The Mysterious Origins Of The First Order
Now, this may be explained in movies to come, but we've got to ask: where did The First Order come from?
At the end of Return, we finally saw the end of the Empire. People celebrated, the fear of tyranny across the galaxy was over. Then, thirty years later, the whole universe just sits back and relaxes as a new group steps up to do it all again? No one thought this was, maybe, a bad idea and tried to stop them? We know the Jedi are gone, but it seems like someone would have done something.
Maybe that Rebellion that turned into a government? The one who worked hard to stop this the last time? No? Not them? Okay then.
We also want to know, in that relatively short span of time, how did the First Order create, build, and activate a weapon that surpasses the evil of the Death Star. We've already talked about the cost of building something that gigantic, so where did they get those resources? There's a willing suspension of disbelief in all films, but unless there’s a really good explanation in The Last Jedi, this one is pushing it.
7 AT-ATs Are Just B-A-D
You’re attacking your enemies base hidden deep on a snowy planet. They have speeders that zip across the ground and fighters that literally go the speed of light. Which ship do you use? Why, the incredibly slow and top-heavy AT-AT, of course.
These machines seem bad in any environment, but an especially poor choice on the incredibly icy Hoth. Why not just use something with wheels, guys? Take some inspiration from the Jawas and their sand crawlers on the desert; even they understand how to get around on tough terrain (and you blew them up last movie so you've clearly seen them in action.)
Also, let’s not talk about the fact that all lasers bounced off these behemoths AT-ATs, until it falls to the ground, where it explodes with a single shot to the back. Because, obviously, that makes sense.
6 Issues With The Star Wars Alphabet
Just like every civilisation in the history of the planet that transitions from a oral to written history, Star Wars too has its own language and, more importantly, its own alphabet. These letters are everywhere in the universe, from the transmissions on screen to written on bulkheads.
Take a look though. See any that look like a familiar letters? Nope. We mean, even the letters that represent X and Y don’t look like X and Y.
So where did the names for the X-Wing and the Y-Wing come from? If you use any sort of logic at all playing by their own rules, it's complete nonsense.
Obviously, it makes perfect sense to us as a viewer, but when Luke talks about getting in his X-Wing, he’s got to be confused about why his ship has that name. Who's explaining that one?
5 Droids Feel Pain Too
Let's talk about hurting droids. Not simply hurting their "feelings" (although clearly C-3PO had his “I take offence” sensors set just a little too high,) - we're talking actual pain, here. In Jabba's palace, we literally see a droid torture center with a poor robot screaming as he's ripped apart.
This may have been a throwaway moment in your mind because it wasn't happening to a person, but holy hell! This may be the darkest scene in the series!
Really though, what could ever be the point of allowing a droid to feel pain? If you don't like them, you can reprogram them or delete them all together, and if you need information, just download it. There's no need for a robot to ever feel pain besides just being cruel.
Maybe George Lucas has more of a sadistic side than we previously knew?
4 I Have The Low Ground!
There they were, Jedi Master and Padawan, fighting in a land where the ground is literally lava. They've both fought valiantly, but Obi-Wan finally checkmates Anakin with proper ground placement.
“It’s over, Anakin," he says. "I have the high ground.”
Of course Anakin attacks and gets his legs and arm cut off. Obviously, because, as we've discussed. Obi-Wan had the high ground.
But wait, flashback to two movies ago: Obi-Wan hangs in a pit, Qui-Gon is dead and Darth Maul stands above him waiting for him to fall. The battle is over. And yet, somehow, Obi-Wan force grabs a lightsaber, flips over Darth Maul and kills him. Because he has, um, the low ground?
Also, in that previously mentioned fight in the lava, couldn't Anakin just have force choked Obi-Wan to death? He was one hundred percent evil at this point.
3 Darth Vader Likes His Exercise
Death Vader is the master of the force and a stone cold killer. We’ve seen him choke a man just for disagreeing with him, basically ending any argument ever had with the man.
So why does he need to use a lightsaber to murder people?
Now, we’re not saying it’s not cool. That flash of glowing red and the evil hum that accompanies it are epic, but this is a man who can throw you across the room or break your neck with his mind. Ignoring the occasional fight with another Jedi, he literally could walk into any room and slaughter everyone with a blink.
When you're the evilest man in the world, wouldn't you just kill people in the evilest way possible? Honestly, hand-to-hand combat just feels like showing off.
2 Chewbacca's Poor Pronunciation
We love Chewbacca. He's big, he's grumpy, he'll tear a droid's arm off if he loses at a game - he's like the best friend we've always wanted.
This is why it's even sadder that, yes, he can't say his own name.
Think of the noises Chewbacca has made throughout all of the movie. Do any of them ever sound like a "Ch" noice, or a "Ca" noise. They're all howls and groans and things that sound like if you hit a monkey with a bear and they both moaned at the same time.
This also means his mother and father couldn't ever say his name either. They'd just grunt at him to get his attention. That had to be one sad little Chewbacca.
1 No Medal For You, Chewbacca
Poor Chewbacca, so many issues, so little time.
We end on, what we think, is the biggest ignored misstep of the entire franchise.
At the end of A New Hope, when there is a celebration for then destruction of the Death Star, the heroes got beautiful medals of honor. Luke got a medal. Han got a medal. Chewie got... ignored.
What the what was that about? Was he not there, sitting next to Han, co-piloting that ship, risking his life along with Han to save the universe? Was he not a hero of the day? Did he not deserve a medal of his own?
In the updated "Special Edition" version of A New Hope, they included a ton of new material, complete with CGI. Even Jabba the Hutt made an appearance. And yet, they still stopped short of correcting this issue and adding a medal on for the Wookie of the Year.
For shame, Star Wars, for shame.
Or as Chewie would say: “ROOOOAAAARRR!!!”
Any any glaring Star Wars plotholes that we missed? Share them in the comments!