South Park: Cartman's 10 Funniest Quotes

Eric Cartman is one of the main reasons South Park is such a success. He represents the satirical embodiment of everything wrong with the human race, yet we can't help but find ourselves fascinated by this overweight, narcissistic sociopath. Although the South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker base the characters Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski off of their own personas, they've admitted that Eric Cartman partially represents the darkest side of them that they would never dare expose to society. Cartman is truly one of the most interesting characters on TV, and he is so well-written that he deserves some dedication. So without further ado, let's take a look at some of the funniest Eric Cartman quotes of all time.

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10 Selling Out Is Sweet

"I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because, when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home." Classic Cartman. At the end of most South Park episodes, Stan or Kyle will reveal a lesson they have learned relating to the chaotic events that have transpired in their little mountain town. Of course, whenever Cartman unleashes his "morality," it is always comical and mostly offensive. We know how selfish Eric is, and how he will stop at nothing to scheme his way into a position of power regardless of how many "loved ones" he has to take down in the process.

9 Festively Plump

"I'm not fat, I'm festively plump!" Cartman advocated against fat-shaming before it was cool, guys. Perhaps if he wasn't so cruel to Kyle, Stan, and Kenny, his friends wouldn't throw so many digs at his weight. But he is Eric Cartman, so he kind of deserves everything that's coming to him. Throughout the series, Cartman has attempted to defend his weight as just being "big boned" and has even been quoted saying "I'm not fat, I've just got a sweet hockey body." Sure, Cartman. Sure...

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In season 16 of the series in an episode titled "Raising the Bar," Cartman admits to Kyle that he isn't big boned or festively plump, he is just really fat. We assume for a brief moment that Cartman might actually attempt to change his ways and start making more of an effort to lose weight, yet, instead we find out he is thrilled to be "festively plump" because it means he gets to ride around everywhere in a mobility scooter and gain special privileges because of it.

8 Dolphins

Cartman, in response to Stan informing him that dolphins are "intelligent and friendly," responds with the line "intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise." Stan has always been an animal rights advocate, and he is able to see the creatures as living beings with emotions, while Cartman, on the other hand, couldn't care less about any living being other than himself. All he cares about is his own personal gain and what pleasures he can obtain out of any given situation regardless of the consequences. His sadistic side is the reason he is always willing to put his friends in dangerous or degrading situations just so he can get some control out of it. He's just fine with "intelligent and friendly" creatures being killed for the sake of what he'd probably consider a light snack.

7 Book Report

"In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B-minus." Why would Eric Cartman ever follow the rules by actually doing a homework assignment? Cartman will continue to do everything he can to cheat and manipulate the system. This includes making up his own version of the book he was supposed to read for his book report while hoping Mr. Garison will buy into his bull. Of course, Mr. Garison isn't "Barbrady dumb," so he is well aware if one of his students is spouting lies in an attempt to weasel their way through an assignment. It just so happens that Cartman does this pretty much all the time.

6 I Know Enough To Exploit It

Of course, Cartman is only ever interested in something if it can provide him a sense of power or financial gain. He would never genuinely find interest in any given religion or organization unless it meant he'd end up swimming in cash. That's why in the episode "Christian Rock Hard," Cartman forms a Christian rock band in an effort to earn some morally gray riches. It is one of the funniest episodes of the entire series because of Cartman's complete lack of morality which ultimately gets him in a whole lot of trouble (as it should).  It's always hilarious to see what lengths Cartman will go to in order to gain supremacy just to see it all come crashing down at the end of each episode.

5 I Made You Eat Your Parents

The season 5 episode titled "Scott Tenorman Must Die" marked a huge tonal shift in not only the series but Eric Cartman in general. In the first couple of seasons, Cartman was the tubby naive kid who no one in the town took seriously (and they still don't), but this episode marked just how sadistic this kid really is. In this episode, Cartman is tired of being bullied by an eighth-grader named Scott Tenorman, so in one of the biggest television twists, we find out Cartman has made Scott eat his parents by placing their body parts in a bowl of chili.

4 Midgets

This is what happens when Eric Cartman, an eight-year-old boy, enters an internet chatroom. Cartman may think he is an evil mastermind, yet when it comes to most things in life, he is simply naive. Sometimes he will do things that are so malicious that we almost assume the show has gone too far, yet then he will say or do something so idiotic that we realize he is just an uneducated fourth grader who has so much to learn about the world around him (although we highly doubt he will listen). It's scary to think of who this kid will grow up to be, but luckily he is animated and will pretty much stay an uninformed kid forever. Phew!

3 Respect My Authoritah!

This is one of the most well-known Eric Cartman quotes and for a good reason. It comes from the Season 2 episode "Chickenlover" where Cartman acts as a police officer and demands that people respect his authority. He beats people with his baton and takes advantage of his position in power by torturing all those around him. The funniest part is his accent where he can't properly pronounce basic words such as "authority." His strange pronunciation of words is finally addressed in the Season 15 episode "The Poor Kid" where Kyle classically tells Cartman, "My name is not Kyeel."

2 Was It Worth It? Totally...

Cartman is willing to spread panic throughout his entire town just so he can go to Casa Bonita for Kyle's birthday. When Kyle doesn't invite Cartman to his birthday and decides to take Butters instead, Cartman manipulates Butters into thinking the world is about to end, so he makes Butters hide in a bomb shelter for several days just so he can get invited to Casa Bonita. Of course, Cartman doesn't regret a thing he has done because he gets to enjoy the restaurant which he considers to be "Mexican Disneyland."

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1 It's Just How He Seems To Be Rolling

"Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now." Some of the best comedy is derived from the unexpected, where someone will say or do something that is totally out of character, and the result is usually hilarious. For example, Cartman's shocking tolerance towards Kenny choosing to dress up as a girl is what makes Cartman such an interesting character. You never really know what to expect from him. This quote from Cartman has been made into a popular meme where the caption states "That awkward moment when Eric Cartman is more tolerant and enlightened than the majority of people." Awkward, indeed!

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