The Simpsons is a show with a seemingly endless number of side characters. Though we might not see them in every episode, they are very much a part of Springfield. One character we miss deeply is Lionel Hutz, the hilariously inept and shady lawyer.
Hutz was one of several characters voiced by the great actor Phil Hartman and has not appeared on the show since Hartman's tragic death. Fortunately, we can remember Hartman's talents and continue to enjoy the character by looking back on some of his best moments. Here are some Lionel Hutz quotes that are still hilarious today.
10 Mister Simpson, I Was Just Going Through Your Garbage…
Hutz is either a very confident man or a man who is oblivious to society's conventions. He does not seem bothered by openly displaying his odd behavior, or maybe isn't aware of how odd it actually is.
When Homer needs a quick babysitter to watch the kids, he gets a knock at the door from Hutz. In a very matter-of-fact way, Hutz explains that he was rummaging through the Simpsons' garbage when he overheard Homer's dilemma and is willing to take the job.
9 Okay, Two And I Get To Keep This Old Birdcage
Negotiation is probably an important skill for a lawyer to have. It is also one of the many important lawyer skills that Hutz is completely inept with. Though he is smart enough to aim high with his first offer, he quickly loses his bargaining power.
Even when negotiating a babysitting gig, Hutz is out of his element. He first asks for $1200 per hour, which Homer reduces to $8 dollars for the night plus two popsicles. When Hutz is unable to negotiate a third popsicle, he settles for keeping a broken birdcage he fished out of the trash.
8 You'd Be Surprised How Often That Works
It's a wonder how Hutz continues to get work as a lawyer. Not only is he pretty much guaranteed to lose any case he's on, but he's also been known to scam his clients whenever the opportunity arises. This appears to be especially true with his diseased clients.
After Marge's aunt passes away, the family meets with Hutz who is the executor of the estate. Hutz plays a video of the aunt's will, which Hutz dubs over with his own voice saying she leaves it all to him. When Marge calls him out for the obvious ploy, Hutz innocently says "You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would."
7 Hey, This Isn't The YMCA
Not all lawyers are the big-shot rich lawyers we often see on television. However, Hutz seems to be doing far worse than even to more unfortunate lawyers. Perhaps this is due to his inability to win a case or to his own frequent legal troubles, but Hutz's life seems to always be in shambles.
This might explain why he was so eager to take an $8 babysitting gig and why hiring him as a babysitter is not a great idea. After Hutz falls asleep, the kids wake him up only for him to pull a knife on them before realizing he's not in the YMCA. A dark glimpse into his life.
6 I Watched Matlock In A Bar Last Night
Many lawyers spend weeks and months preparing for cases, with endless research and long hours. Hutz takes a simpler approach to his job by just learning from the best, like fictional television lawyers.
When Hutz is preparing to represent the Simpsons in court, he assures them he is ready since he watched the legal drama Matlock in preparation. He admits the sound wasn't on but he figures he got the main point.
5 Can You Imagine A World Without Lawyers?
Lawyers tend to get a bad rap. In films and television, they are often seen as greedy, dishonest and unlikable people. Though Hutz isn't your typical lawyer, he certainly doesn't help the profession to look any better.
While meeting with the Simpsons about an upcoming case, Bart tells Hutz that he wants to be a lawyer too when he grows up. Hutz is pleased to hear this and wonders what the world would be like without lawyers. He then imagines a peaceful world where everyone joins hands and sings which makes Hutz shiver in disgust.
4 I Move For A Bad Court Thingy
Legal terms can be tricky. There's a lot of jargon that is likely to go over the average person's head. Hutz is dumber than the average person so he has a particularly hard time getting the right terms down.
When yet another case is not going his way, Hutz asks the judge for a "bad court thingy." The judge assumes he means a mistrial and Hutz responds, "That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy." It's probably not a good sign when someone can't remember what their profession is called.
3 The Most Blatant Case Of Fraudulent Advertising Since My Suit Against The Film "The Neverending Story".
Although Hutz is not talented as a lawyer, he's certainly always motivated to find his next high-profile case. He does not seem discouraged by his frequent failures and aims high with very unusual cases.
When Homer is turned away at an all-you-can-eat buffet, he decides to sue the restaurant and Hutz is just the kind of lawyer to take on the case. Hutz immediately sees the potential in the case calling it "the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film "The Neverending Story". He has a point with that one.
2 Replace The Word 'Kinda' With 'Repeatedly' And The Word 'Dog' With 'Son'
Hutz really doesn't need any further things to overcome in the courtroom. He already has virtually zero knowledge of the legal system or even a basic knowledge of anything really. So you think he would at least try to stay on the good side of the judges.
Unfortunately, when representing the Simpsons, Hutz learns that the sitting judge is one who has disliked him ever since he "kinda ran over his dog". Hutz then clarifies "Replace the word 'kinda' with 'repeatedly' and the word 'dog' with 'son'."
1 No, Money Down!
While his dismal reputation surely loses Hutz a number of potential clients, he sure does know how to sell himself. His trick for drawing in new clients is to simply mislead and flat-out lie.
The Simpsons hire Hutz based on his enticing and professional business card which promises "Will work on contingency. No money down." However, Hutz insists it is a misprint and fixes it to read "Will work on contingency? No, money down!" He also tears off the bar association section of the card to avoid any further misunderstandings.