Bertram Gilfoyle, known simply to his group as Gilfoyle, is really an enigma. As the senior security architect for Pied Piper on the HBO series Silicon Valley, he has a highly inflated ego (though he’s able to back it up with stellar work), and he seemingly finds joy in, well, nothing. Except when sparring with Dinesh, that is.
A professed Satanist, he speaks in a monotone, expressionless voice and has an apathetic, pessimistic attitude. But he’ll be there when you need him, even if he’ll make sure to throw an insult (or two) your way any chance he gets.
Because of his attitude, quick wit, and incredible skills, he has had some of the best one-liners of the entire series to date. And we expect them to continue in the sixth and final season, which is expected to air sometime in 2020.
Whether he’s spewing insults, talking about his own rock star skills, or simply touting the benefits of Satanism, here are Gilfoyle’s 10 most badass quotes.
What Do I Do?
“It’s not magic, it’s talent and sweat. People like me ensure your packets get delivered unsniffed. So what do I do? I make sure that one bad config on one key component doesn’t bankrupt the entire f*cking company. That’s what the f*ck I do.”
Gilfoyle has no patience for stupidity, so when he’s asked to explain what he does exactly to justify his position in the company while a formal business plan is being formed for Pied Piper, he’s understandably peeved.
Of course, Gilfoyle’s role is integral to the company, and he does ensure that systems work well and are secure. Nevertheless, perhaps he was embellishing just a bit here, over-inflating his importance as a member of the team.
We’re All Doomed
“People like to lie, Richard. It’s a war of all against all. The history of humanity is a book written in blood. We’re all just animals in a pit.”
Leave it to Gilfoyle to paint a beautiful picture of life. A self-professed Satanist and someone who never shows himself experiencing any type of joy, Gilfoyle describes life here to Richard in his own despondent words.
He says these words to Richard when Richard realizes that Monica might have lied to him. In all his pessimistic glory, Gilfoyle provides this succinct and depressing answer.
An Expression of Joy
“Makes me feel like I’ve died and gone to hell.”
While this might sound as though Gilfoyle is describing a feeling of being upset, this is actually him expressing sheer joy. As a Satanist, to Gilfoyle, the best case scenario after death is to enter the gates of Hell.
Saying this amidst other fellow developers, it does not surprisingly make them comfortable. Gilfoyle seems to thrive on making people feel just so.
Passive-Aggressive Insults
“I’m sure you can find your way out with one of your two faces.”
Leave it to Gilfoyle to deliver a seriously biting insult in a monotone voice that, for some reason, hurts twice as hard as if it was coming from someone who was more visibly upset.
Spoken to Monica after she reveals that Pied Piper’s funding has been pulled, Gilfoyle speaks these scathing words to make her question her own integrity. It wasn’t Monica’s fault. But that didn’t really matter to Gilfyole. She was there, and an easy target.
Your Misery is My Gain
“I’m effectively leveraging your misery. I’m like the Warren Buffet of f*cking with you.”
Most of Gilfoyle’s best comments come during his exchanges with Dinesh, his frenemy and co-worker. In this case, Gilfoyle relishes in his latest act, which was to contribute a few hundred dollars to a Kickstarter campaign that Dinesh had already contributed thousands to, thinking it would never meet its goal and he’d get his money back.
Gilfoyle not only did a despicable thing just to watch Dinesh squirm but he then twisted the knife in a bit more with this comment.
Against Authority
Monica: “Sorry, I don’t mean to rain on the parade.” Gilfoyle: “I find parades to be impotent displays of authoritarianism.”
Only Gilfoyle could respond to a phrase that denotes preventing someone from enjoying an occasion or event with a statement that makes a usually fun affair sound like a terrible thing.
When Monica says these words to him, Gilfoyle isn't trying to reassure her that she isn’t, in fact, spoiling his day. Rather, he wants her to know that her use of the phrase means nothing to him because, well, parades suck.
Money Isn’t Everything
“Why do people covet the silly pieces of green cotton paper in their wallets? It’s because we are all sheep. And we’ve mutually agreed to endow certain things we value.”
It is never about money with Gilfoyle, though he isn’t opposed to buying things if it means he can bring displeasure to others (especially Dinesh!) And you have to hand it to him, sometimes his statements make a lot of sense. Why is it that we spend so much time focused on padding our wallets with pieces of paper that are valued so much by society?
In this one statement, Gilfoyle can make you think and wonder if it’s all worth it. Gee, thanks Gilfoyle!
Cryptocurrency Is Where It’s At
“There are very few things that I will defend with true passion: medical marijuana, the biblical Satan as a metaphor for rebellion against tyranny, and mother***** Goddamn cryptocurrency.”
In his plea to Richard that they work in cryptocurrency, Gilfoyle proves how much faith he has in the method of currency by looping it in with two other very important things in his life: Marijuana and Satan.
Gilfoyle also uses the opportunity to promote and justify his Satanism. Satan isn’t bad, according to Gilfoyle. Satan is just a representation of our way to “stick it to the man,” so to speak, and push back against authority and oppression.
The AI Takeover
“If the rise of an all-powerful artificial intelligence is inevitable, well it stands to reason that when they take power, our digital overlords will punish those of us who did not help them get there. Ergo, I would like to be a helpful idiot. Like yourself.”
When the guys from Pied Piper start playing in AI, Gilfoyle’s naturally pessimistic view transforms into terror because he believes in the rise of the machines and AI overtaking humanity. But instead of deciding that he wants out, he decides to push on by rectifying his involvement in the best way he can: Using logic.
If AI is coming, no matter what you do, do you really want to be on the wrong side of it? No, you want to show that you were a loyal soldier or, in Gilfoyle’s words, idiot, and helped in the transition. All hail the AI leaders!
Ribbing Dinesh
“Since your failure as a leader is a virtual certainty, tolerating your short reign as CEO in exchange for a front-row seat to the disaster seems fair. Plus, if I’m wrong, which I’m not, I get rich. So I’m down with it, Dinesh.”
Arguably one of the few things that bring Gilfoyle true joy is incessantly mocking Dinesh, whether it’s taking aim at his skills as a software engineer, his love life, fashion sense, or elaborate purchases, everything is fair game.
In this case, when Dinesh assumes the role of CEO, Gilfoyle is ready to sit back and let the action happen. Because he’s confident there will be some action. And, spoiler alert, he was right as Dinesh’s short reign as CEO almost single-handedly killed the company when he failed to add a public term of service to the website that included an age limit. Oops!
Gilfoyle covers all his bases. In the event that Dinesh didn’t mess everything up, well, he’d be rich with tons of that insignificant green paper in his wallet. So it was really a win, win.