At the ATX TV festival 2022, taking place on June 2nd through 5th, the cast of Scrubs will be reunited together for the first time in years, and between that and the Fake Doctors, Real Friends podcast, there has never been a better time to rewatch the the the classic sitcom. One of the many elements that make Scrubs so hilarious and such a fantastic show is Dr. Cox and his epic rants.
Dr. Cox has some of the show's funniest quotes, and many of them come in iconic rants - which are wonderfully performed by John C. McGinley - that range from fits of rage at J.D. to the release of pent-up frustration about life at Sacred Heart.
When J.D. Dates Danni
Whenever J.D. gets close to or attempts to get close to Dr. Cox's personal life, it makes for some hilarious angry outbursts from Perry. One of the best comes when J.D. dates Danni, and Cox walks in on a naked and dancing J.D.
Cox goes on a tirade explaining how little he usually cares about J.D.'s love life before making clear how much he hates that J.D. is dating "Jordan's sissy-poo," saying that he, under no circumstances, wants to spend time with J.D. outside of the hospital - he notes examples as being bowling, going for dinner, and waffle-eating in the morning. It is even more hilarious with J.D. standing there naked, covering his crotch with Dr. Cox's photos.
Perry's Perspective
When J.D. makes the mistake of asking not one but two requests from Dr. Cox - those being a recommendation for a fellowship and to be referred to as Dr. Dorian rather than a girl's name - he is met with a rant that combines cynical advice with valid points and insults.
Naturally following up on J.D.'s 'no girls names' request with "Janice, Denise, Tiffany, Amber, Theeeesan," Cox tells J.D. that only the weak ask for help. Before getting to that final point of what he calls "Perry's perspective," though, Cox remarks that pornography is the only thing keeping the internet alive and that he should be allowed to kill people who do not decide their coffee order while in the queue. It is an epic rant, and J.D. is funny in the scene also.
The Day They Were Passing Out Common Sense
There are various points in Scrubs where J.D. tries to be Dr. Cox or tries to put himself as an equal to Cox and usually gets put down by Cox in a typical ranting fashion, such as in "My New Coat."
Kicking off with an underrated moment in "Listen closely, Tiny Dancer," Cox's rant is long, articulate, and insulting. What perhaps sets it apart from other classic rants directed at J.D. is the fact that J.D. hits back and makes Cox leave in anger. Nevertheless, it is one helluva monologue from John C. McGinley.
Relationships
Not all Dr. Cox's rants and monologues are rage-infused outbursts directed at specific characters who irritate him; some are more soft-spoken and emotional, playing more like J.D.'s narration, such as in "My Bed, Banter, And Beyond" where he speaks on relationships.
The monologue takes place across a few scenes, intercut with other ongoing situations in the episode, but it is still a poignant rant about what it takes to make relationships work, how love exists, and how it is up to two people to make an effort. It is a powerful speech that comes from a place of experience and knowledge and is a rare departure from the emotional outbursts fans usually get from Cox.
J.D.'s Evaluation
While Dr. Cox is so often the most insulting and even nastiest person in the room throughout Scrubs, he does care about the likes of J.D., and one example of that is when he asks J.D. to do his evaluation.
In the scene, Cox explodes at J.D., asking him, "Did you ever wonder why I told you to do your evaluation?" getting frustrated with the young doctor and showing that he does care. Cox gets so worked up and irritated by J.D., and it is quite an emotional scene to watch. For as cold as Cox can be, moments like this showcase the brilliant complexity of the character and highlight how great of a duo he and J.D. are.
The Position Of Residency Director
Dr. Cox and the interns - no matter what iteration of them it is - always have such a funny dynamic that sees him both be a teacher to them and also terrify them to their core, which is best encapsulated in this rant.
Posing to them the question of why he took the Residency Director position since he hates them, he clarifies that it "is all about the [extra] four dollars." The rant, which comes in "My Advice To You," is the typical kind of rant that sums up Cox's treatment of the interns, but that does not stop it from being hilarious, especially when he shoos them away and they scurry off, horrified by.
Bastard Coated Bastards With Bastard Filling
Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso have one of the best relationships in Scrubs, being mortal enemies before becoming friends when Kelso retired. They do have rare moments spent on the same team, though, namely when Molly spreads too much positivity for their liking.
Both being people-hating cynics, her being so jolly would not stand. Cox initially confronts Molly with one of his shortest but best rants, referring to people as "bastard coated bastards with bastard filling," one of his best and most iconic insults. The fact that he does not faze Molly whatsoever makes the rant that bit funnier.
J.D.'s Last Day
Scrubs has an incredible series finale - for the main show, excluding season 9 - which sees J.D. leave Sacred Heart to little applause from the general hospital population. After much trying, though, he finally gets indirect praise from Cox.
After denying J.D. the satisfaction of embrace for the whole episode, J.D. eventually tricks Cox into his most emotional, heartwarming rant. Cox details how J.D. is the best person to have walked through the hospital, being both a great doctor and friend. It is a beautiful moment that Cox immediately regretted, but it is one of his best quotes that fans adore.
The Only Way J.D. Could Be Less Productive
One of the many fan-favorite moments between J.D. and Dr. Cox is when the latter stumbles upon J.D. leaning against a wall, taking such a small, inoffensive action and using it to launch an insulting monologue at the young physician.
Delivered with typical excellence, Cox tells J.D., "Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were, in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against." He then has a mini-argument himself about how J.D. would be more useful as a wall before eventually getting to the point, which was that J.D. should at least pretend to be a productive doctor. It is one of the show's most hilarious moments, not just Dr. Cox's.
Things He Cares Less About
There are few moments in Scrubs' phenomenal, if not wildly underappreciated history, as funny and iconic as Dr. Cox's rant about things he cares about less than his and J.D.'s 'last' week together.
Dr. Cox does not hold back. The things he lists range from Michael Moore to high-def TV to the UN to Jeff (the Wiggle who sleeps too much) before he finally unleashes his final gut-punch of "everything that exists, past, present, and future in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions... Oh, and Hugh Jackman." It is a testament to John C. McGinley that he performs this so effortlessly and a credit to him and the writers that it is so wholly, wonderfully hilarious.