The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina is one of the best pieces of media to emerge from Netflix's many new productions. Based on the comic book with the same name, it features a much more nefarious version of the happy-go-lucky teen witch and her family, placing her not just among other fresh-faced teens but within a magical school filled with cannibalism, sadism and sacrifice to the Dark Lord.
The Dark Lord, also known as Satan or Lucifer, is supposed to be the powerful devil himself, capable of all things evil. He's supposed to be such a great power and resisting him results in grave consequences, but he's not nearly as powerful as he seems.
He Doesn't Appear As Lucifer For His Mistress
As Lucifer Morningstar, the Dark Lord is nothing short of gorgeous and charming. So why does he always appear as a beast not only for the women who seem to weirdly lust after him (oh honey, you can't fix him), but his own mistress?
When the devil is trying to be intimidating, we get why he might want to arrive in his beast form, complete with horns and hooves, but what about visits where he's chatting and plotting? You could argue that Mistress Satan loves it when her man's in goat form, but we can see that she digs handsome men, like her boyfriend, Adam.
He's Not Recognized
If the Dark Lord is such a powerful, evil being, we would think that he would be easy to not only see but feel. How could he emerge, complete with a loincloth, and waltz around town without any of his followers not only noticing but even feeling his presence near? He creeps up on people without them knowing in both forms, which just seems ridiculous. You should at least be able to smell that goat breath on your neck.
Maybe he didn't want to be recognized, concealing his true nature, but he's such a narcissist we highly doubt he didn't want his adoring fans to worship him in person. We have this really goofy idea of him shouting, "Boo!" behind Sabrina before giggling hysterically.
He's Sabrina's Father
During the second part of The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, we find out that the Dark Lord is Sabrina's actual father. In a god-like fashion, he "blessed" the Spellmans with the child they desperately yearned for, making Sabrina's mother, Diana, an even creepier version of Jesus's mother, Mary.
She indeed gave birth to Lucifer's prophet, as he dubbed her in conversation with Madam Satan herself, and that's the reason why Sabrina had visions of a baby with goat features. This makes zero sense; why could no one sense his presence on Sabrina, least of all Lilith? Why wait until she was 16 when he could have raised her himself as his and Lilith's child?
He Wants To Marry Sabrina
What else do you do after confessing to your teen daughter that you're her father but propose marriage? Of course that's the natural thing to do. It's a very Satan-y thing to do, for sure, as it crosses plenty lines of taboo and sin, but it doesn't really make sense. After witnessing Sabrina's life, he has to know that she won't agree with his desires.
He's been present during so many moments before in her life as a foreboding figure, but if he wanted her to rule by his side, he should have not given Nick Scratch the orders to support her but possessed the boy himself to win her heart.
He Demands She Sign His Book
Why is there such a great plot to get Sabrina to sign the devil's book when Satan already knows that Edward Spellman, Sabrina's father and High Priest of the Church of Night, already signed it with Zelda as a witness against her mother's own wishes? While it's true that Sabrina's mother had also already baptized their daughter in a Christian church without having told her husband, the Dark Lord knew that she'd already been promised to him.
And why does he even need her signature if he made her in the first place? It would seem that with any magic he'd used to create Sabrina, she should already either reflect his own wishes or be beneath his command.
He Put His Concubine In Charge Of Grooming Her
If you're trying to seduce a young witch into your favor, you might talk to one of her friends, or get your friends to talk to your friends--you know, the classic methods. You don't ask your concubine to go chat up your future wife.
This plan seems doomed to fail from the start, and Madam Satan certainly waffles between assisting in the Dark Lord's plan and thwarting it once she knows that he wants Sabrina and not her, his loyal servant for so long, at his side long before she makes the choice in the end to side with Sabrina. It could have completely thwarted his plan.
He Promised Lilith She'd Sit On The Throne
When Lilith helped Lucifer heal after he fell from Heaven, he promised her a spot on the throne by his side one day. Why would he make such an offer when he knew he wouldn't honor it, and why didn't he honor it right away? He owes her for saving his life. Shouldn't there be some sort of ancient debt magic to protect this oath?
It's been thousands of years since he made his promise and Lilith still thinks she'll one day be his queen? It's great that some comes to her senses in the end but to continue to believe this liar after all this time is not only ridiculous, but it's an insult to the Lilith of legend who was too much for Adam to handle. She totally deserves better. Why does she stick with him?
He Randomly Torments Miners
If you were the Dark Lord, surely you'd hang out in mines to scare young miners and give them nightmares instead of doing something as important as, say, ensuring your future queen was ready to be by your side, right? This seems like a ridiculous waste of time for the devil, especially since he didn't get anything out of it other than scaring a kid.
Who knows, maybe he does this for kicks? But it makes much more sense for him to appear as his sexy beast incarnation, tempting mortals to condemn their souls rather than play boogeyman in the mines.
He Didn't Make Someone Else His Queen
Not only is Lilith extremely powerful and impressive, but she would do anything the Dark Lord would ever ask. Not only that, but every other witch alive would literally sacrifice herself to be his consort. They even give themselves up to be eaten by other witches just to do it in his name! It's the most toxic cult one could ever dream up, really, and many of the warlocks would likely do the same if given the chance.
Why not make one of them his queen? And if he had to make a supernatural baby for the ultimate power, why not introduce any warlock or witch with a willing mortal partner who could get the job done and not have the complicated matter of Sabrina's mother baptising her and the child growing to be on the side of good?
He's Not All-Powerful
As the Dark Lord, one might think that he would be all-powerful, able to pull of any evil deed he wished to do at any time. However, he constantly asks others to do his dirty work for him, from his own consort, Lilith, who becomes Sabrina's mentor by taking over the body of her beloved teacher, to Nick Scratch, whom Sabrina begins to fall in love with at the Academy of Unseen Arts.
We could argue that the devil loves to see people agonize and suffer as they attempt to please him, or that he is even simply too lazy to do his own work, but it really does seem as if everything would be much easier if he, you know, just forced Sabrina to do what he wants.