“Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time!” “I don’t think so, Tim.” “Shut up, Al.” There are many memorable quotes from the popular 1990’s sitcom, Home Improvement. The show always delivers plenty of laughs, witty banter, and relatable moments as Tim Taylor “The Tool Man” (Tim Allen) creates chaos both on Tool Time and at home. There is never a boring day with Tim Taylor.
While the show ended over 20 years ago, it’s still hilarious today. If the show was airing today, it would still have an audience. Take a look at 10 of the show’s funniest quotes that still make fans laugh today.
“Was There A Guy With A Whole Table Stuck To His Head?”
One of Allen’s most favorite episodes of Home Improvement is the season one episode, “Forever Jung.” On Tool Time, he demonstrates how to apply laminate to a tabletop. Tim uses a new instant glue and he, of course, accidentally gets his head stuck to the table.
When Tim comes home, with a portion of the table still stuck to his forehead, his wife, Jill (Patricia Richardson), laughs at him. Tim couldn’t be assisted when he went to the Emergency Room. He explains, “They said I wasn’t a priority.” Jill laughs and responds, “Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head?”
“Fine, Except For The Guy Who Asked If I Wanted A Phone Book To Sit On”
In the season five episode “High School Confidential,” Tim and Jill’s middle son, Randy (Jonathan Taylor Thomas), is allowed to advance into high school because of his exceptional science and math grades. This is great, except Randy doesn’t look like a high school student.
For one thing, he’s shorter than everyone else. When Jill asks how his first day went, Randy says, “Fine, except for the guy who asked if I wanted a phone book to sit on.” Jill responds, “Did you tell the teacher?” Randy finally admits, “It was the teacher.” Poor Randy.
“Boy, I’m Gonna Need A Lot Of Medical Insurance”
There’s never a boring day inside the Taylor home. Tim is always causing trouble, whether it’s blowing up a dishwasher or nearly getting electrocuted. Life is pretty exciting, and Tim’s family always has to prepare for the worst.
During a conversation with his oldest son, Brad (Zachery Ty Bryan), Tim talks about how everyone becomes their parents as they grow older. He says, “Kids turn into their parents. I don’t know what it is. One day, you’re going to turn into me.” Brad jokingly remarks, “Boy, I’m gonna need a lot of medical insurance.” Hopefully, Brad was a little more careful than his father.
“He’s Had My Waffles”
Some of the more heartfelt moments on the show involve the Taylors’ next-door neighbor, Wilson Wilson (Earl Hindman). You never see his face, but he offers helpful advice whenever Tim and Jill need to talk.
In one scene, Jill asks for Wilson’s opinion: “Wilson, do you think humans are more important than machines?” He answers, “Without a doubt. Although, I am awfully fond of my waffle maker.” Jill responds, “Well, could you please tell that to the knucklehead I’m married to?” Wilson surprisingly jokes with Jill, saying, “Oh, he knows. He’s had my waffles.” Wilson is an expert at giving advice, but he can also deliver a funny joke every now and then.
“What, You Saw Your Mom In The Shower?”
One of the best things about Home Improvement is the witty banter between Tim and his assistant, Al Borland (Richard Karn), on Tool Time. Al is serious with his job, while Tim likes to joke around. While they’re good friends, they can drive each other crazy.
Tim loves to make jokes about Al’s weight, the fact that he’s single, and about his mother. Some of the jokes would be insensitive in 2020, but many of them are still hilarious. For example, in one scene, Al mentions, “Brace yourself, Tim. Something awful has happened.” Tim jokingly responds, “What, you saw your mom in the shower?” This is a perfect moment where Al should have responded with his classic line: “I don’t think so, Tim.”
“He’d Be Proud If He Could See You Now”
Tim has some great conversations with his sons. In one scene, Randy asks if Tim ever rebelled against his father. Randy’s a teenager now and he wants to know if his father experienced the same things he’s feeling. Tim responds, “He died before I could be a real jerk.”
Audiences probably predicted what Randy would say to this comment. He delivers a typical sarcastic line, “He’d be proud if he could see you now.” Randy wasn’t wrong.
“A Lot Harder Than It Looks”
Once again, Tim and Al are back with their banter. Tim causes numerous accidents during the filming of Tool Time. It’s a wonder he never killed anyone on set, including Al. His assistant doesn’t take him very seriously. Al says, “Anyone can do what you do.” Tim responds, “Oh, really? You think you could do what I do?”
Al knows he’s more professional than Tim. He says, “Oh, please. How hard could it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time?” Tim jokingly responds, “A lot harder than it looks.” Tim may screw up all the time, but the show wouldn’t be the same without his crazy antics.
“One More Head Injury And We Win A Trip To Hawaii”
Because Tim has so many accidents on the show, he’s basically a regular at the hospital. It’s hard to count how many times he has visited the Emergency Room. Let’s hope he has good health insurance.
Randy jokingly remarks about Tim’s frequent hospital visits. He says, “My dad’s been in the hospital so much they gave him a preferred customer card.” Tim responds with a witty joke of his own: “Yeah, one more head injury and we win a trip to Hawaii.”
“Man Pain Is When You Do Something Stupid”
Tim knows he’s clumsy. He causes accidents, and he’s often hurt in the process. He’s aware of this. In a conversation with his youngest son, Mark (Taran Noah Smith), Tim informs him that “There’s two different types of pain. Pain and man pain.”
Mark’s confused by this. He asks, “What’s man pain?” Tim bluntly responds, “Man pain is when you do something stupid.” At least Tim knows he gets hurt for doing stupid things.
“I Wish I Could Fix Things Between Us That Easily”
At the end of the day, Tim loves comparing his life to tools. He loves working with tools and fixing things. It’s easy for him, except when he’s causing a mess. However, when he has to solve real-life situations and dramas, particularly with his marriage, he’s lost.
He tells Jill, “You know why I like tools? Because they fix things – you tear down a motor, see the problem, it’s right there – boom; it’s fixed. I wish I could fix things between us that easily.” While this is a humorous monologue, it has some truth to it. If only Tim could relate his tools to his family.