April Ludgate, Pawnee badass. Despite her apathy and general lack of direction, April develops into someone with goals and ambitions... and some general adulting skills. But being able to adult doesn’t mean giving up core parts of yourself or gaining an appreciation for wine. April’s still April: deadpan, hilarious, and a terrifying force of nature that wants to slay the Black Eyed Peas.
Embrace your inner Ludgate. Here are April Ludgate’s 10 most badass quotes.
10 When She Didn’t Care About Wine
“I’ll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around, please.” - “Flu Season 2” Season 6, Episode 19
Teasing uppity people about wine is way more fun than it has any right to be. While not all alcohol (or even wine) is created equal, April has a point and on top of it, is very creative with her sarcasm.
But yeah, let’s be real: if you combined a very expensive red wine with a very cheap white wine, would it really taste that different? And wine would without a doubt taste better coming through a silly straw, especially of the color changing variety.
9 When She Summarized The Important Things In Life
“Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge.” - “Second Chunce” Season 6, Episode 10
April seriously has her priorities straight and honestly, it’s a pretty millennial way of thinking. All of our money basically goes towards living expenses, why should someone waste your time when you could be making that dough?
More importantly, you turn that dough into pizza. The gift that keeps on giving. Seriously, a large pizza can get you like, week of dinner. April knows what she’s talking about.
8 When She Wanted To Take A Blood Oath
“Is this gonna be one of those cool bachelorette parties where things get out of control and we murder someone and then we all have to take a blood oath to never reveal our secret?” - “Two Parties” Season 5, Episode 10
Nothing says true friendship like a good blood oath! It’s kind of sweet that April would even suggest that level of dedication with Ann. Sure, the group would’ve been more than just Ann and April, but Ann’s included in the girls’ group. Progress!
Unfortunately (or fortunately), there were no blood oaths to be had at the bachelorette party. That probably would've been a little too dark for Parks & Rec.
7 When She Shared Her Life Goals
“I’m just gonna live under a bridge and ask people riddles before they cross.” - “Ron & Jammy” Season 7, Episode 2
Joke or not, if you’ve watched Buzzfeed Unsolved: Supernatural, you definitely want to be the Goatman of your own bridge. While this quote is pure deflection on April’s part, it kind of ties in with where she eventually finds her place. April has always liked messing with people, telling them what to do, and sending them far, far away from herself (and Ron).
What better way to do that than to tell riddles from under a bridge and throw people off the bridge when they don’t answer correctly?
6 When She Insulted Ann’s Professionalism
“Hey, Ann, are you still a nurse or did they fire you because you slept with all the doctors?” - “Campaign Ad” Season 4, Episode 12
So insulting other women based off of their personal lives isn’t great, but when you really don’t like someone, you go for the low blows. Obviously, Ann’s never done this because she does have a sense of professionalism and probably doesn’t like the doctors at Pawnee’s hospital all that much.
But April comes around eventually. It only takes like, six seasons. All things considered, that’s a pretty normal amount of time for coworkers to become sort of friends.
5 When She Clapped Back. Hard.
“You don’t add up.” - “Li’l Sebastian” Season 3, Episode 16
Sure, she was trying to swindle some poor government employee out of some extra cash, but can you blame her for trying to profit off of a somewhat tragic event?
But the moment someone calls her out on it, April insults them without hesitation. And then swindles them back into buying the album. It’s technically not illegal, right? Even if it was, no one would dare question her authority.
4 When Her Self-Image Was Gold
“Yes, I am very powerful and feared by many.” - “Sister City” Season 2, Episode 5
Poor Jerry, sometimes people are a little too mean to him. At least he has an excellent home life and family to go back to. The best part about this quote is that April isn’t even talking to Jerry, she’s talking to one of the Venezuelan ambassadors from Pawnee’s sister city.
She makes a point and she’s not exactly lying. She is indeed feared by many. Especially Jerry. Young people will insult you without mercy and accurately.
3 When She REALLY Didn’t Care About Wine
“I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same and if you spend more than $5 on wine, you are very stupid.” - “Flu Season 2” Season 6, Episode 19
As a follow-up to Quote #10, this also deserves a place on the list because wow, the truth hurts. Does anybody really know what they’re doing at a wine tasting? Is there really a difference beyond knowing what’s red, what’s white, and what’s rosé wine? Ok, so maybe a good Riesling can make all the difference, but seriously. What’s the point of being all uppity and trying to think of more adjectives for “dry?”
2 When She Really Didn’t Give A $&%@
“I declare that everything you are saying is stupid.” - “I’m Leslie Knope” Season 4, Episode 1
Being young definitely doesn’t mean you know everything, but you should have a pretty good BS detector by age 19. Hopefully. April’s certainly developed in full force, able to navigate through the specialty crazy of Pawnee citizens.
If only we could all share the same sentiment with no repercussions. Or even if there were repercussions, April would still say it anyways. Because she does actually know her stuff and has above average common sense among the people of Pawnee.
1 When She Casually Admitted to Committing a Federal Crime
“I’ll just forge it. I forge government documents all the time.” - “Leslie and Ben” Season 5, Episode 14
That’s definitely not something you want to admit in a government building. And you need to have some major mental fortitude to break the law, even if it’s just some local government documents. But that makes us wonder...what documents did April forge? What did she do to Pawnee’s government before she left? Bet it was chaotic, slightly evil, and truly brilliant.