When New Girl burst on the scene in the Fall of 2011, the show was immediately praised for countless reasons, but none more standout than the characters themselves. With amazing chemistry on-screen, the different types of comedy each character brought worked perfectly with the rest. Though all showed immense comedic talent, none seem to top the Wizard of Wit himself, Schmidt.
On the verge of quitting his acting career, Max Greenfield found his iconic role as Schmidt right in the nick of time. Earning himself both Primetime Emmy and Golden Globe nominations, Greenfield perfected the pretentiously charismatic Schmidt with his absurd quips, wit, and one-of-a-kind one-liners, solidifying his spot in the sitcom hall of fame.
“Can we just take a moment to celebrate me?”
Attempting to hide his secret hookups with Cece (Hannah Simone), Schmidt is caught red-handed by Winston (Lamorne Morris), who foolishly tells Nick (Jake Johnson). When questioned by Jess (Zooey Deschanel), Nick “folds like a lawn chair” and tells her the truth about the two. Schmidt apologizes to Jess for hiding it behind her back, but now that the cat is out of the bag, he wants mad props for his accomplishment of shagging Cece.
This quote perfectly encapsulates Schmidt’s pompous personality and is one of the most memorable of the show. As funny as it is, it is double as douchey, and rightfully cost him several bucks for the Douchebag Jar.
“The economy sucks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels now, and I…have a broken penis.”
After breaking his penis in a major sexual mishap with rough Russian model Nadia (Rebecca Reid), Schmidt spends the rest of season 1 in a phallic cast. After Jess breaks up with her boyfriend, Schmidt goes to cheer her up. Never one to mope, he tells her that she’s not the only one hurting and lists the above problems of the world.
This quote is a classic example of “funny because it’s true," as each issue is a very real problem in today’s society. World economies have taken a severe hit through the pandemic, bees are dying at an alarming rate unbeknownst to most, and the majority of modern movies are sequels or remakes. Relatable as they are, hopefully no one can relate to the broken penis.
“Are you cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this prison?”
Another morning in the loft means breakfast with the gang, and this time Jess is cooking “egg pie”… AKA, a frittata. Schmidt can’t help but judge Jess’s frittata cooking style and comments on her skillet choice as commonly used behind bars, immediately owing himself a fine to the Jar.
“Egg pie” is quite spot-on as an obvious nickname for the frittata; the quiche’s cousin minus the crust, commonly filled with cheese and vegetables. Italian for “fried”, there are countless ways to easily make a frittata on a stovetop or in the oven; just make sure to use a regal skillet instead of a degenerate saucepan.
“I’m gonna have to run all the way home and I have my slippiest loafers on.”
During their early hookups in secret, Cece drops Schmidt off in a sketchy parking lot in the middle of the night, fearing to be caught near the loft with him. Schmidt is too scared of potential pickpockets to walk and knows running is his only possible option; unfortunately for him, his current pair isn’t ideal for a high- speed foot chase.
After bickering with Cece about the regulations of their secret sex life, and demanding he is tough “like a Marine," he gives in and makes the move to leave the car. Before doing so, he takes off his loafers and hands them to Cece saying, “Take these and take care of them. I can get a tetanus shot, but I can’t cure damaged suede.”
“A normal man can go maybe three times in a night, depending on how much salmon he’s had."
On the hunt for her first one-night-stand, Jess hits the bar on Valentine’s Day with her trusty wingmen Schmidt and Cece. In anticipation of the night’s ending, she brings with her a box of one hundred condoms. Ridiculing her for the huge overestimation of nightly rounds, he tells her what to really expect; unless there’s salmon involved.
Salmon, along with other fatty fish like tuna and mackerel, are rich in Omega 3 acids. According to Bazaar, these acids can “elevate dopamine” which is the same hormone released in the brain during intercourse. So although one hundred condoms may be a bit overzealous, science and Schmidt show that the more salmon consumed, the more condoms may be used.
“If I pee while it's happening, will she die?”
Whilst in a flashback to college, Fat Schmidt asks a mustached Nick about sex before he and Elizabeth (Merritt Wever) plan to “merge”. Asking all the tough ones like “Does it hurt for the guys?” and “How many minutes before sex is it okay to eat?”, he drops this absolute gem in a rapid-fire round of questioning.
Arguably one of the funniest scenes of the show, it is quintessential college comedy with hippie Nick, “the Daver”, and all-time fan favorite, Fat Schmidt.
“Pine has no place in this loft! It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses."
Trying to add more of her own flair to the loft, Jess comes home with a hutch recovered off the street. But Schmidt is in control of the apartment’s aesthetics and gives a hard veto on the addition. Not only is the hutch dirty from the street, it’s make is far inferior to Schmidt’s preferred woodcraft standards.
To help her uptight friend relax, Jess sends Schmidt to the hippies; resulting in a carefree, “loosey-goosey” Schmidt and a disastrous apartment. But a good pair of Calvin Klein trousers and a promise of cleaning the “White Whale” of the loft (Nick’s room) brought back the domineering Schmidt we all love.
“Youths!”
Overstaying his welcome at Jess’s one-night stand, Schmidt defends his lingering presence as protection for Jess amidst the horrible neighborhood and street youths. Jess disagrees and kicks him out of the house, only for Schmidt to find his tires stolen by his endless enemy, prompting the first of many accusatory outbursts.
One of Schmidt’s most iconic lines, nearly all his life’s problems can be blamed on the local neighborhood kids he dubs as “youths”. Schmidt’s seriousness of the situation juxtaposed with such a funny word is the perfect comedic combination, and one of the funniest recurring jokes on the show.
“Can somebody get my towel? It’s in my bedroom next to my Irish walking cape.”
In a shocking revelation of total disgust, Schmidt realizes he has been sharing a towel with Nick after wondering why it was always so damp. Cleaning every towel in the loft for good measure, Schmidt later finds himself in need of a towel. And where else would it be hanging than beside your casual Irish walking cape?
The Irish walking cape reference is a total curveball in such a simple request, although Schmidt is no stranger to exotic attire. Aside from the cape, his closet holds his most significant piece of leisurewear: a silk kimono, or ‘mono as he calls it, to just hang loose in. Though the thick wool cape may rival the comfort.
“Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere!”
The Douchebag Jar is a staple of New Girl and especially Schmidt’s character. In a montage of flashbacks to his douchey moments, the best is saved for last: Missing his driving moccasins maddens Schmidt, and he expresses himself accordingly. His over the top anger about something so ridiculous is undeniably funny and just so Schmidt.
Along with his driving moccasins outburst, he’s had to pay the toll for other outrageous reasons like receiving personalized condoms in the mail, questioning the whereabouts of his “good peacoat”, owning a sharkskin laptop sleeve, and more.