Is nothing sacred anymore? When the first rumblings emerged from the upcoming Muppets TV series of distance between stars Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy, we refused to believe it. The pair of on-again, off-again lovers have endured their fair share of rough patches, but it was always clear: they were made for eachother. Or, as ‘made for eachother’ as a humanoid frog and pig physically can be.
Alas, the first official image of Kermit and his new lady has appeared, confirming that not only has Kermit put an end to his former love affair, but is already in the early stages of a brand new one. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, so we’re holding our collective breath that Miss Piggy has her own steamy new beau to reveal in response. And if that’s the case, we know plenty of available men who are definitely her type.
Here is our list of the 10 Best Contenders For Miss Piggy’s New Boyfriend.
Mr. Toad (The Wind in the Willows)
It wouldn’t be fair to call him “evil,” but Mr. Toad isn’t exactly a serial do-gooder or upstanding moral citizen, either. On the plus side: he’s wealthy, adventurous, and a remnant of the old world. On the other hand, he’s oblivious to the people around him, self-centred, and vain. In other words, he and Miss Piggy may be too perfect a match. But she’d still get a hot air balloon ride out of the deal.
Slippy (Star Fox)
We don’t mean to kick a pig when she’s down, but every Muppets fan knows that Miss Piggy tends to like her men… dependent. Is it healthy? That’s not for us to say. And now that the tabloids have picked up Kermit’s romance, Piggy must now make moves to win the public over to her side. Becoming romantically involved with a character so universally despised is a sure-fire way to appear charming by comparison, since the Star Fox sidekick’s voice and constant need of assistance is unrivaled. Who would have thought that any voice could make Miss Piggy’s shrill screams sound like music to America’s ears?
Trevor (Harry Potter series)
Trevor’s yearning for freedom may have been a nuisance for Neville Longbottom, but as far as we’re concerned, it speaks to his determination. As a member of the Frog Choir in the students’ third year, his vocal talents are as refined as one would hope, but it’s his proximity to a truly great wizard that’s his most valuable asset. Sure, he escaped into the Great Lake outside Hogwarts to live with other toads, but perhaps an American pig is just what’s needed to bring him back to the mainland.
Rash, Zits or Pimple (Battletoads)
Kermit may be playing coy now, but if this breakup ever gets nasty, the Battletoads are the exact rebound Miss Piggy would need. The stars of their self-titled video game and cartoon series would make Kermit quake just by entering the room, regardless of which of the three catches Miss Piggy’s eye. Zitz, the leader of the team who’s as smart as he is powerful. Rash, the lovable jokester who’s become a world famous mascot for the team. And finally, Pimple – a frog who lets his size do the talking. If the details of Kermit and Miss Piggy’s breakup are brought to light with her as the party at fault, then a massive bodyguard would come in handy, anyway.
Dig’em (Sugar Smacks Mascot)
The Sugar Smacks brand of cereal has had more than a few mascots ranging from clowns to dogs, but none of them can come close to Dig’em. Why does a frog have the desire (or ability) to consume copious servings of sugary cereal with children? We don’t have an answer. But what we do know is that Miss Piggy won’t find a sweeter frog.
“Plotting” is such an ugly word, so it’s perhaps better to say that Grundel was simply… uniquely motivated to make Thumbelina his wife. Sure, he went to some extremes to beat out his competing suitors. And yes, he may make one’s stomach turn just by looking at him (it turns out a moustache really can make a toad less attractive). But we’ve never exactly seen Kermit as the irresistible sex symbol Miss Piggy believes him to be, so who knows? Maybe Grundel really is the perfect toad for this little piggy.
He can tell the difference between a log and an alligator, so surely Frogger can tell a good woman when he finds her. Miss Piggy loves a man with a go-getter attitude, and Frogger is almost incapable of not pursuing his goal relentlessly (even being splattered on a highway can’t keep him from giving it another shot). Knowing how hard it is for him to stay in one place, investing in a relationship is admittedly risky. But Piggy has never been one to play it safe.
Michigan J. Frog (Looney Tunes)
What’s better than an extremely gifted song and dance man? How about one who doesn’t speak, move, or make trouble when he’s out of the spotlight? Michigan J. Frog – also known as the mascot for The WB channel – puts even Kermit’s pipes and flair to shame. Miss Piggy would have to do much of the talking, since Michigan is a fickle performer, but… we sense that’s not a problem for her.
You can’t argue the animal magnetism of this amphibious icon made famous by Futurama. From where did he come? What is his overall goal? Are there more toads like him? The truth is that this pairing wouldn’t truly be Miss Piggy’s choice if she ever met the Hypnotoad, since the pulsating, droning hum of ALL of this alien’s eyes ALL GLORY is impossible to ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD ALL GLORY TO THE HYP
Robin, Kermit’s Nephew
Only time will tell, but be sure to let us know which of our selections seems like the perfect match for Miss Piggy (for better or worse).
The Muppets premieres on September 22nd, 2015 at 8pm on ABC.
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