Stephen King's Misery is widely regarded as one of his more amusing but still terrifying slow-burn chiller stories. It's especially ominous in the fact that it doesn't contain any supernatural elements of any kind, but a plot focused around an all-too-possible premise involving a deranged fan going way too far with the object of her obsession.
The character of Annie Wilkes not only scored actress Kathy Bates seven Best Actress nominations, but five wins as well. Her ability to juggle hilarious lines with terrifying dialogue made her the highlight of the film. Here's the character's funniest lines, and her absolute scariest that put Misery in the same pantheon of other highly quotable Stephen King adaptations.
Funny: "Oh Poo, I Can't Think Of Any Words. Would Great Be Insulting?"
Annie was ecstatic regarding the privilege of reading Sheldon's latest manuscript before anyone else in the world would get to lay eyes on it. Her calm demeanor was buffed with the joy she felt being able to progress through the story within the comfort of her own home, with her favorite author in the next room.
Unable to properly express her feelings, Annie uttered this quote, which would make any celebrity feel uncomfortable, regardless of their ego. Sheldon took it as an awkward compliment, but little did he know what was coming next.
Scary: "Nobody Knows You're Here. And You Better Hope Nothing Happens To Me, Because If I Die, You Die!"
When Annie finally made it through Paul Sheldon's manuscript, her entire perception of the story had gone from adoring happiness to full-blown rage. Sheldon made the decision to kill off his popular fictional character Misery, which sent Annie's fragile mind into an immediate tailspin.
After freaking out on him, she picked up a planter and threatened to bring it down on Sheldon's head before swinging it against the wall. She left the room incensed, but not before speaking this quote that changed the dynamic of their relationship for the absolute worst.
Funny: "What Do You Think I Say When I Go To The Feed Store In Town? 'Oh Now Wally, Gimme' A Bag Of That 'Effing Pig Feed, And Ten Pounds Of That B****ly Cow Corn', And In The Bank Do I Tell Mrs. Bollinger, 'Oh Here's One Big Bastard Of A Cheque! Gimme' Some Of Your C*****ing Money?'"
Annie's first unhinged rant was undoubtedly her funniest, and it helped set the tone for what her character would eventually reveal herself to be. It all happened when Paul Sheldon allowed her to read his latest manuscript, which she deemed an immense honor.
However, she wasn't impressed with Sheldon's profuse use of profanity throughout the story. When Sheldon tried to explain the context of the swearing by claiming "everybody talks like that," Annie flew into a rage and fired off this quote that would make Martin Scorsese blush before spilling Sheldon's soup onto the bed and blaming it on him.
Scary: "We're Put On This Earth To Help People Paul, Like I'm Trying To Help You. Please, Help Me Help You."
After losing her temper in a rage over Sheldon's manuscript, Annie apologized the next morning and decided to make amends by giving him an opportunity to redeem himself. She wheeled in a barbecue and placed his manuscript on it, then encouraged him to light a match and burn it to a crisp.
Paul tried bluffing Annie by telling her that other copies existed, but she called it based on an interview he did with Merv Griffin over a decade prior. Still unwilling to light the match, Annie uttered this quote while squirting lighter fluid all over his bed in a veiled threat. Uncertain as to whether Annie would have burnt him alive, he relented and did as she demanded.
Funny: "Throw It All Out, Except That Part About Naming The Gravedigger After Me. You Can Leave That In."
Annie's frustration with Paul's inability to match his own writing talent was too much for her. She refused to accept what was on the pages and demanded that Paul throw the entire thing out and start fresh, much to Paul's shocked disbelief and bottled up frustration.
However, she was fond of one particular part as evidenced by this quote. The level of hilarity at the thought of a gravedigger being named after her is epic, not to mention the fact that she regarded it as an honor.
Scary: "Well I'll Get Your Stupid Paper, But You Just Better Start Showing Me A Little More Appreciation Around Here, Mister Man!
When it was time for Paul to play along and start writing an entirely new manuscript, he attempted to keep Annie's demeanor calm throughout the entire ordeal so as not to rouse her. Annie was pleased to unveil a brand new writing studio for him, including a vintage typewriter (with a missing N key) and boxes of expensive paper to write on.
Paul noted that the paper she bought was prone to smudge, and that he would require different stock to move forward. Upset at what she perceived was spoiled arrogance on his part, Annie flew into a rage with this quote before grabbing the now-useless packs of paper and slamming them down on Paul's injured legs.
Funny: "He Didn't Get Out Of The Cockadoodie Car!"
After forcing Paul to burn his own manuscript and start over from scratch, Annie acted as something of a judge when it came to how the story was to progress. Paul's first attempt at an introduction was completely rejected by Annie on the grounds that Misery's return felt like a cheap swindle against the reader.
To put things into perspective, Annie retold a story of her childhood where she would go to her local theater to watch the popular sci-fi serials of the time. She remarked on a story of Rocket Man and how she felt the filmmakers had cheated the audience by providing an all-too-convenient Harry Potter-style plot hole compared to the cliffhanger the previous week. Eventually her anger got the better of her, leading to this hilarious quote that left Sheldon speechless.
Scary: "The Operation Was Called Hobbling."
Paul was ready to make his move on Annie after his first attempt to kill her was botched by an accident at the dinner table. He waited until she went out to unlock his door and head out a second time to secure a large steak knife from the kitchen, which he hid in his arm cast.
Annie returned late in the evening but passed by Sheldon's door without coming in. He awoke later to Annie standing over his bed as she injected him with a sedative. When he awoke the next morning, Annie told him a story about African diamond mine workers caught stealing the merchandise, and a gruesome procedure used to keep them working while preventing them from running away. The movie differs from the novel in a big way, including this particular scene.
Funny: "Misery Is Alive! Misery Is Alive! Oh, This Whole House Is Going To Be Full Of Romance! Oh, I'm Going To Put On My Liberace Records!"
When Paul finally managed to score a hit with Annie regarding his new manuscript, Annie was over the moon and back again. She became so swept up in the story as it unfolded in real time that she begged him for hints, only to be denied any awful movie-type spoilers by Paul.
Overjoyed that her favorite character was alive and back in her life, Annie cheered before uttering this quote. When she asked if Paul liked Liberace, he agreed wholeheartedly in what was probably a lie designed to keep her mood on the saner side of things.
Scary: "I Have This Gun. Sometimes I Think About Using It. I'd Better Go Now. I Might Put Bullets In It."
After Paul's new manuscript began to take off, Annie's tone and attitude changed from frustration to complete exuberance. The more he wrote, the happier she became. However, during a dark rainstorm one night, Annie fell victim to what seemed like depression, prompting Paul to ask what was wrong.
In a rare moment of vulnerable honesty, Annie lamented the fact that Paul would finish his manuscript and be ready to leave her in short order. She pulled a gun out of her pocket and uttered this quote which frightened Paul even more than ever before. Scenes like this are great incentive to adapt the Stephen King novel for a remake in the future.