At North Shore High, where you sit in the cafeteria defines your whole identity. Whether the characters of Mean Girls like it or not, they are assigned a label on day one, right along with a locker and class schedule. If an Asexual Band Geek were to sit with the Sexually Active Band Geeks, the school might very well spontaneously combust. At the very least, it would shut down for the day. These rules are important as they are arbitrary.
Lunch table battle lines haven't been this formally etched in stone since Harry Potter. At Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where you sit in the Great Hall is actually an official school rule. That is because, much like in Mean Girls, students are divided into four houses based on their personalities and aptitudes. The houses are Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. So, if Regina George were to pull up in her silver Lexus and say, "Get in loser, we're going to Hogwarts," which houses would the students and teachers of North Shore find themselves in?
10 Cady Heron - Gryffindor
If Mean Girls teaches us anything, it's that appearances can be deceiving. Cady Heron may seem like a demure little Mathlete, but in reality she has the heart—and impulsiveness—of a Gryffindor lion. On her first day, she cuts class with Janis and Damian. Cady initially is reticent to partake in Janis's revenge plot against Regina, but when Regina kisses the dreamy Aaron Samuels, it ignites the Gryffindor fire in Cady's belly. It's go time.
As she gets deeper into the Plastics lifestyle, Cady displays some definite Slytherin traits. But whereas Slytherins are calculated in everything they do, Cady's just flying by the seat of her pants—that she only wears on Fridays. Throughout the film, most of Cady's choices are questionable. However, sometimes her most rash decisions are also the bravest, like when she took full responsibility for the Burn Book. Cady Heron is one "grool" Gryffindor.
9 Regina George - Slytherin
Some facts are indisputable. The sky is blue. One plus one is two. Regina George is a Slytherin. She's a fear-mongering tyrant who treats her ladies-in-waiting every bit as poorly as her terrified subjects. Whatever Regina wants, she gets, whether it's a pile of Candy Cane-grams or a hot boyfriend.
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Much of Regina's good fortune comes from her wealth and beauty. However, when the occasion calls for it, Regina pulls off an attack like a decorated military strategist—or a Slytherin. After Cady dethroned her, Regina turned the school into a nuclear war zone. She published the Burn Book and made it look like Cady was the one who wrote it instead of her. That's a Slytherin for you: fabulous, but evil.
8 Gretchen Wieners - Hufflepuff
Social status may be more important to Gretchen Wieners than life itself, but she never wants to be Queen Bee. Gretchen prides herself on being the queen's right-hand woman. This can involve great sacrifice, like when she couldn't wear hoop earrings because Regina decreed them "her thing". Gretchen also works harder than the Hufflepuff badger to keep Regina happy. Regina enjoys gossip, so Gretchen makes it her mission to find out all the dirt on everybody. Hence the "hair so big, it's full of secrets".
Gretchen shows Regina a Hufflepuff's loyalty...to a point. When Regina starts taking Gretchen for granted and mistreating her, Gretchen begins to let some of Regina's embarrassing secrets slip out. But this isn't planned; they just blast out of Gretchen's mouth like word vomit. She and Regina may not have been end-game, but Gretchen finds herself a new mistress to serve, smiling the whole time. Because being a Hufflepuff is so fetch.
7 Karen Smith - Hufflepuff
Hufflepuffs are known for their sunny outlook on life. This is fitting for Karen Smith, who doesn't know the meaning of the word hardship, or even how to spell it. She may be third on the Plastics totem pole, but unlike Regina and Gretchen, Karen doesn't spend every waking moment concerned with her social status. Why have a cutthroat philosophy on life when you're the prettiest girl in school and your breasts can tell when it's going to rain?
Sometimes Hufflepuff Karen can be loyal to a fault, like when she's the only one to catch Gretchen during the apology trust circle exercise. Karen also doesn't defend herself when she should, like when Regina calls her a whore. It's times like these that make you want to shake her and say, "Boo, you Hufflepuff!"
6 Janis Ian - Slytherin
Don't let the ripped black clothing and smudged eyeliner fool you. Janis is every bit the mean girl that Regina is. Even though Janis and Cady become fast friends, Janis sees Cady less as a pal and more as a pawn to use in her war against Regina. Cady is at her most vulnerable when Janis introduces her plan of attack. This is a classic move of a Slytherin and/or cult leader.
Janis may not have high status at North Shore, but her Slytherin stock is through the roof. Nobody tries harder than Janis to make someone's life a living hell. While Cady may carry out the plans, Janis is the one formulating them. From exposing Regina's infidelities to giving her weight-gain supplements, Janis proves herself to be a cunning Slytherin mastermind.
5 Damian Leigh - Hufflepuff
Unlike his bestie Janis, Damian isn't defined by his need to destroy others. Damian is a loud and proud "art freak" with a passion for music. At the Winter Talent Show, he sings Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" and like any good Hufflepuff, proves that the show must go on, even after he gets a shoe thrown at him. Damian also displays his Hufflepuff commitment to the student council as evidenced by his enthusiasm for Candy Cane-grams.
Damian may shirk the odd rule, like when he secretly attends the girls-only assembly, but he generally likes to live life by the book. He has a mini-meltdown when he realizes he's out past curfew. That responsibility would definitely earn him some house points. Four points for you, Hufflepuff Damian! You go, Hufflepuff Damian!
4 Aaron Samuels - Ravenclaw
Even though Aaron Samuels may be "kind of bad at math", according to Cady, he's still one of the smartest guys at North Shore. Much to Regina's annoyance, Aaron puts a lot of effort into his education and it pays off, as he attends Northwestern University at the end of the film. In addition to striving for academic excellence, Ravenclaws are known for their ability to point out uncomfortable truths. Aaron does this when he correctly assesses the Burn Book as rumors made up by stupid girls bored with their own lives.
However, Aaron can be a bit bumbling in the social department. Such is the plight of the Ravenclaw. Aaron has the insight to know that Regina is a mean girl, but he dates her anyway, even though he and Cady have mutual crushes on each other. It doesn't really make sense, but then again, neither does teen romance...especially for a Ravenclaw.
3 Ms. Norbury - Gryffindor
Like Hermione, the Sorting Hat would take its sweet time with Ms. Norbury. She could almost be a Ravenclaw, with her intelligence and her tendency to put her foot in her mouth. But Ms. Norbury's defining trait is being a pusher. To be clear, not a drug pusher. No, Ms. Norbury pushes people to do what's best for them. This can come across as obnoxious at times, but her heart's in the right place, like when she encourages Cady the calculus whiz to join the Mathletes.
Ms. Norbury is also the first person to openly stand up to Regina George, calling her out at the impromptu assembly. It takes a brave Gryffindor to do that. Compared to Regina, Voldemort is a gormless nerd who should be sitting at the Desperate Wannabes table.
2 Principal Duvall - Ravenclaw
Poor Principal Duvall. Trying to keep order at North Shore High is like trying to silence a room full of matured Mandrakes in Herbology class. He may be Ravenclaw book smart, but Principal Duvall is even more clueless than Cady when it comes to Girl World.
When he calls the emergency assembly, he realizes he's over his head when it comes to "lady problems" and rightfully defers to Ms. Norbury. As with most Ravenclaws, pragmatism comes first for Principal Duvall. After the junior girls turn his school into a madhouse, he wants to cancel the Spring Fling dance as punishment. Alas, that doesn't happen because he already paid the DJ. It's Ravenclaw logic, really.
1 Mrs. George - Hufflepuff
It may seem like Mrs. George lives a privileged, frivolous life. But being a "cool mom" isn't all plastic surgery and pink velour tracksuits; it takes the work of a Hufflepuff. At the Winter Talent Show, Mrs. George is simultaneously impressive and pathetic as she manages to record Regina and the Plastics' "Jingle Bell Rock" number while performing the risqué choreography in the aisles.
In their tireless quest to prove their loyalty, sometimes Hufflepuffs can become doormats. Regina has the biggest bedroom in her house because she made her parents trade her. She also regularly insults Mrs. George, even after she serves frothy mocktails to the Plastics. This would enrage most moms, but remember Mrs. George isn't like regular moms; she's a cool mom.