Let’s face it, superheroes can make practically any story more exciting. Sometimes, however, storytellers can go a bit too far when they embellish on a classic story, which is what happened when the Hulk’s psychiatrist Doc Samson decided to retell the story of Hanukkah – by claiming the Avengers were there.
For those unfamiliar with the good doctor, Doctor Leonard Samson is Bruce Banner’s psychiatrist and also the recipient of a gamma experiment that imbued him with superhuman strength and green hair. An important supporting character during Peter David’s classic run on The Incredible Hulk, Samson’s character was developed by David, who established that Doc Samson was one of Marvel’s Jewish superheroes (along with The Thing and Kitty Pryde). This motivated David to write the story “Revisionist History” for Marvel Holiday Special 1992 where Doc Samson visits his old Hebrew school to tell the children the story of Hanukkah. Unfortunately, things don’t go quite as he planned…
Samson’s tale starts out in a traditional way, with him explaining how centuries ago, a group of Jews called the Maccabees were fighting their oppressors in Judea. However, the kids (who are more interested in learning why they don’t get a Santa Claus) start peppering Samson with questions about how the Maccabees can be considered soldiers if they didn’t have guns. Frustrated, Samson alters his story, telling the children that the Maccabees did have giant guns that could knock down buildings – causing the story’s artist to suddenly redraw the slender Maccabees as Arnold Schwarzenegger-style soldiers complete with sunglasses and ammo belts.
Things only get crazier from that point. As Doc Samson struggles to tell the children about the Jews’ oppressor Antiochus IV, one child asks if Antiochus was like Doctor Doom. Inspired, Samson agrees that Antiochus IV was in fact the Avengers’ robotic enemy Ultron (with Antiochus I-III being the models ahead of him). Moreover, he gives Antiochus IV an army of evil demons from “Heck” who go on to conquer the city of Judea.
Completely throwing tradition and history out the window, Doc Samson starts stealing from other comic book companies by claiming Judea looked exactly like Krypton. As the kids get more into the story, Samson adds that Captain America, Wolverine, and the Hulk all fought alongside the Maccabees in their war. He even adds that Captain America took out Goliath (played by a giant Hank Pym in this version) with his shield.
After the Maccabees defeated Antiochus IV (by apparently blowing him up with a nuclear bomb), they returned to their temple of idols which in this tale is full of pictures of statues of Elvis Presley (as Elvis was the idol of one of the students’ father). Samson explains that the Maccabees only had enough oil to light their lamp for one day (hastily explaining that the Maccabees couldn’t use batteries since they were out), but the lamp, which was lit by Wolverine, burned for eight whole days.
Unfortunately, the kids begin adding their own ideas to the story at this point, claiming that the person really responsible for the Hanukkah miracle was the Human Torch who must have been hiding under the lamp and keeping it lit. When they start claiming the Torch was also responsible for Moses’ burning bush, however, Samson finally loses it and force feeds the kids the story again in a menacing fashion. As the kids persist in asking why Jewish kids don’t get a Santa Claus, a disgruntled Samson claims Antiochus IV killed Santa by dropping an anvil on him, causing the entire class to start bawling. As he asks the teacher if she’d like him to return to talk about Passover, Doc Samson is quickly kicked out of Hebrew school.
According to comic writer Peter David, “Revisionist History” was based on an incident from his Hebrew school days (one wonders how that story went). To be sure, comic book heroes often function like modern day mythological heroes, but that doesn’t mean they always mix well with traditional stories. Although one can probably see a Hollywood movie in there somewhere…