Jim Henson's cult classic film Labyrinth is super weird, there's no doubt about that. Each character, from the kindly beast Ludo to the dwarf Hoggle, who enjoys exterminating fairies, is as strange as the next, which is what makes the movie so wonderful in the first place.
That said, Jareth, the movie's villain is played by the handsome and charismatic David Bowie, and his character is extra strange — so strange that he often doesn't make sense, even for a Jim Henson movie. We get the hair, the music and the labyrinth itself...but how are we supposed to explain everything else?
He's In Love With A Teenage Girl
While lovers of the cult classic movie adore the Jareth/Sarah dynamic, and how much he obviously wants her to be his, it's really disturbing to watch as an adult. The most problematic part of the movie really hasn't stood the test of time. If it wasn't obvious enough that the goblin king was much too old for this teenager, consider the fact that David Bowie was 39 when he made the film and Jennifer Connelly, who played Sarah, was only 16.
He's Totally Passive Aggressive
Sometimes Jareth seems like he wants Sarah to solve his labyrinth; other times he rigs the system so she's doomed to fail. He says he wants to send her back to the beginning, which is why he enlists Hoggle's help, but he ultimately does want Sarah to get to the center of the labyrinth and to choose him instead of Toby.
Jareth's goal isn't ultimately keeping Toby for himself but keeping Sarah. In this light, it's not only weird that he tries to make her fail so hard but that he doesn't spend more time wooing her instead if he truly wishes to make her his own.
He Condemns Hoggle For A Kiss
Jareth enlists the help of Hoggle to take Sarah back to the beginning of the labyrinth, but later he threatens to send him to the Bog of Eternal Stench if she kisses him. This is after he learns that Hoggle considers her a friend.
Naturally Hoggle and Sarah find themselves stranded in the bog full of nasty farts soon after, but is this really to punish Hoggle for befriending Sarah, or out of Jareth's own jealousy? And does he really think Sarah will choose to stay with him if he throws her into stank bogs every now and then for kissing dwarves?
He's Willing To Let Sarah Lose Her Head
There are dangers untold and hardships unnumbered throughout the blasted labyrinth, but the Fireys are a particularly troublesome species because they can take off their body parts without any damage, and just assume it's the same for people they encounter — like Sarah. It's a bit odd that they're so surprised when her head doesn't come off; have they never encountered another species before?
If Jareth really cares for Sarah, he'd ensure her safety from these limb larcenists. Their song also makes zero sense: take off your body parts so they can "show you a good time," and they don't charge anything... except a donation to their demented black market for body parts.
Nobody Takes Care Of Toby
Toby is a pretty neglected baby in the goblin world, but his home life isn't all rosy, either. His parents just assume his big half-sister will babysit him when she resents him, and his step-sister is petty toward him and wishes goblins upon him.
It's silly that Jareth wants a baby to begin with. All he does is throw him into the air and act irresponsibly, leaving the goblins to care for Toby while he torments Sarah on her journey. Why does he want Toby? To turn him into a goblin? To be his goblin prince heir? How does that even work?
Why Does He Stay In The Labyrinth?
Earlier drafts of the film made much more sense, as they involved Jareth turning into a goblin after Sarah refuses him. A goblin should be king of the goblins, right? But Jareth is a cute human, or at least a cute shifter who can transform into an owl. So, why does he remain in the labyrinth where he appears to be bored, disgusted with his charges and super unhappy?
Why not just fly away and let the goblins rule themselves? They'd probably fade into extinction eventually, given their ridiculous natures and inability to comprehend the simplest directions, but he'd be rid of them.
Jareth Stalks Sarah
Why is this goblin king in our world listening to a random teenage girl recite poetry and play dress-up? It's cool that Sarah's into cosplay, but it's definitely weird for this much older member of goblin royalty, disguised as an owl, to be hanging around watching her, waiting for her to summon him. He's one of Henson's creepiest creations.
Is this the first time Jareth has seen Sarah, or has he had his eyes on her for a while, positioning his goblins into formation just in time to snatch up her brother and use him as bait to make Sarah his inappropriately underage queen?
He Enjoys Tormenting Sarah
For a guy so obsessed with a girl, Jareth has a funny way of showing it. He tosses a snake at her, he mocks her, and he does everything to demonstrate how little faith he has in her abilities. It's almost as if he's grooming her for a lifelong career as his subservient bride, creating a need for his approval in every deed she does.
Even if that's too dark an assessment for some, it still doesn't make sense to torment someone that you're simultaneously wooing. In the novelization, Jareth pursues Sarah even harder, and even attempts to kiss her at one point.
He's Pretty Sexual For A Movie Featuring Puppets
Long before The Happytime Murders there was... David Bowie and his famous tight pants. It's such a well-known and even beloved part of the Labyrinth fandom that Jareth's famous pants have their own fan pages across the Internet.
People have analyzed several other sexual components regarding the film, from song lyrics to clothing, and while the movie is supposed to be dark, especially for Jim Henson, it really doesn't make a lot of sense for it to be so suggestive. Jareth is out of Sarah's subconscious fantasies, but these seem more suited toward a grown woman's ideas and definitely not for a puppet movie.
He's Defeated By The Most Obvious Line Ever
After all of that struggling while trying to figure out his labyrinth, Sarah suddenly realizes she's had the answer all along in a line she read from a book. Her words, "You have no power over me" instantly save her, and Jareth is defeated. Hooray!
While this line is indeed powerful, and it would be nice for young women to remind themselves these six words every day, it really makes no sense to endure the oubliette, the weird door knockers, the deranged Fireys and being chased by goblins only to be able to escape it all with such a simple phrase — not to mention the fact that Jareth was outwitted so easily.