Honestly, you all reading probably have no idea how hard it was to pick ten quotes from Kitchen Nightmares - it was like trying to find hay in a haystack! Like, chef Gordon Ramsay makes more Quotables than Alonzo Harris from Training Day! Hell, even a few of the chefs Gordon works with drop some dimes from time to time!
The following ten quotes stood out from the others, but don't be surprised if we make a follow-up article soon. We also highly advise that you don't read this article in the middle of the office or during a church service - Gordon's just too damn funny.
"How ****ing Depressing Is That?"
Your food typically shouldn't ever be hard enough to stand upright by itself. There are a few exceptions, mostly in the pastry department, but a lamb chop shouldn't be able to do a handstand on your plate.
In this instance, Gordon ordered a pork chop from a Soul Food joint. Now, pork chops are pretty easy to make - the breading is probably the trickiest part of the ordeal. That's why it's so min-boggling that Gordon received a pork chop that was harder than titanium! In response, Gordon asked his camera crew "how ****ing depressing is that?" It's kind of telling that we never got an answer, isn't it?
"**** Off Back To Australia With Pleasure."
Gordon had this reaction after sampling an "Australian Meat Pie." Usually, chefs take pride in dishes from their home countries - even if they aren't political, it's hard not to become a little patriotic when you're representing your homeland.
However, Gordon quickly shot all of that sentimental stuff down with the above quote. The Chef was so proud of his dish that he guaranteed Gordon would love it. But not only did Gordon hate the dish, the told the chef to GTFO of his own restaurant!
"Get Your Money Back."
When Gordon found a rat in a restaurant, the owners swore they used an exterminator every month. Gordon proceeded to explain why that wouldn't suffice, namely because rats don't take holidays in between the exterminator's visits. But most of the kitchen staff refused to take accountability, even attempting to frame Ramsay for the rat!
Clearly pissed off but intent on helping the restaurant's owners, Gordon ignored the controversy for as long as he could. Which wasn't very long, which should surprise no one. Gordon started dropping dimes and urging the crew to get themselves together - and get their money back from whatever exterminator they hired.
"A Thousand Buffalos"
Gordon's not even commenting on the food this time - he's talking about the sad state he found J Willy's in. Not that the Loaded Baked Potato pizza he had was much better. Still, it's remarkable to see restaurants so run down that they look like "a thousand buffaloes ran through" them.
Chef Ramsay also described J Willy's as "grim," because there were about four other patrons dining in the place. But that's what happens when you try to wow customers with novelty dishes and completely neglecting simpler options.
"That Is An Insult Of Pizza"
Again, simplicity is the best policy when designing a menu. Throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks doesn't tend to work out well in the cooking industry. Just because that method worked for the Transformers films for a few years doesn't mean it'll also work with food.
A sushi pizza might sound tasty on paper, but it doesn't work so well in practice. Gordon only managed to stomach one bite of this abomination before tapping out. He then called it "an embarrassment to pizza and to Japanese food."
"It's Like The Pizza That Ate Denver."
Overcompensating rarely works in the cooking industry. You can make the biggest hot dog in the world, but it won't matter if the freaking frank isn't palatable! But the chef cooked up the "Denver Pizza" either didn't get that memo or wiped their cracks with it. Rather than focus on quality, the went for quantity - creating a gigantic pizza covered in grease and shame.
Gordon already knew that his colon was in for a beating when he first laid eyes on the Denver Pizza. His exact words were "it's like the pizza that ate Denver," which sounds like an old-school B-movie in our opinions.
"Did Somebody Spit On My Food?"
Yeah, that's probably the last thing you'd want someone to say when you hand them their meal. What makes this quote so funny Gordon's delivery; most of the time when he roasts someone, he's frothing at the mouth and bubbling over with rage. But when his server brought him an order of crab cakes, he asked this question on instinct.
Like, you get the sense that Ramsay genuinely thought someone was trying to prank him. The chefs at PJ's Steakhouse wanted to put some razzle-dazzle on their crab cakes, but they only managed to ruffle Gordon's feathers!
"The Freshest Thing In This Kitchen Is That Pigeon."
After sifting through buckets of decomposing lobsters at the Spanish Pavillion, Gordon dropped this gem. Honestly, we have no clue how you let a live pigeon get inside your kitchen. Like, that bird was chilling in there - waiting for someone to whip him up a meal!
Funnily enough, Gordon incorporated the pigeon into his roast - stating that the bird was probably the freshest thing in the kitchen! Never mind any of the dishes the chefs cooked or even the ideas in their heads - the bird was the freshest thing at the Spanish Pavillion.
"Jumping Up And Down Like A ****ing Baboon."
Sabatiello's was one of the hardest restaurants Gordon every tried to help. The kitchen staff and restaurant crew were nice and decent people, but the owner had a shorter fuse than Ramsay! Sabatiello Settembre, called Sammy by his crew, was a sentient timebomb! He physically attacked customers, berated and stole tips from his workers, and gave Gordon plenty of guff while he was there.
When Gordon had enough of Sammy's antics, he gave him the brutal truth - he alone would be the downfall of his own restaurant. Ramsay demanded that Sammy stop "jumping up and down like a ****ing baboon" and help save his own shop!
"RAW CHICKEN!"
"It's raw" is one of Gordon's famous catchphrases, along with "donkey" and "**** off!" We had to find a way to put some variation of the quote in this article, for posterity's sake.
Enter this lovely gem from Ramsay's visit to Hannah & Mason's. When he inspected the kitchen, Gordon found raw chicken all over the place - even rubbing up against cooked pieces of poultry! Hence, our "it's raw" quote for the day.