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10 Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes That'll Have You Crying Of Laughter

John Mulaney is best known for getting his start working as a writer on Saturday Night Live as well as his comedy specials. He has also done a variety of voice acting and other appearances, and overall is just super funny. The Internet is a big fan of his and his jokes, and some of the lines from his comedy specials are highly relatable. Whether he’s talking about being raised Catholic or going on about how people always think he’s gay, Mulaney has a quote that is bound to make you laugh.

We’ve put together a list of 10 of the funniest John Mulaney quotes that will have you busting up laughing.

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10 'IN TERMS OF INSTANT RELIEF, CANCELLING PLANS IS LIKE HEROIN'

When you enter adulthood, things start to change. While as a kid and teenager it was always fun to have plans and get outside, adulthood can be super draining.

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With all the responsibilities adults have, being able to cancel some of them is one of the best feelings in the world. Mulaney is able to express this feeling perfectly here in a perfect, slightly dramatic way.

9 '13-YEAR-OLDS ARE THE MEANEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD'

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Middle school is one of the worst times of life for many people. The hormones are raging and the kids around you are just mean. John Mulaney brings us all back to this dramatic time of life with this hilarious quote where he goes on to say, “They terrify me to this day because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you.” Even adults are sometimes scared of how cruel and insightful middle schoolers can be.

8 'NOW, I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC'

This intro quote is somewhat of a catchall for a lot of Mulaney’s bits. He often talks about what it’s like to be raised Catholic and turns anecdotes from his childhood into hilarious stories that people of all faiths can relate to.

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That’s one of the things that makes his comedy so great is that he’s able to make audiences laugh even if their own lived experience was quite a bit different than his.

7 'YOU HAVE THE MORAL BACKBONE OF A CHOCOLATE ECLAIR'

During his Netflix special, The Comeback Kid, Mulaney talks about telling his dad he was going to be a Democrat and that he planned on voting for Bill Clinton. This whole story is hilarious and definitely worth listening to. After this pronouncement, Mulaney’s father tells him, “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair.” Even out of context this line is pretty dang funny and one that can be used in multiple situations.

6 'AND THEN HE ORDERED ONE BLACK COFFEE FOR HIMSELF AND KEPT DRIVING'

This story is one that has become somewhat infamous on the Internet. You might have seen people talking about this line but not realized that it originated from John Mulaney. In this bit, he talks about driving in the car with his parents and asking his dad to go to McDonald’s, saying, "We started chanting, McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's! And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.”

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This story is super funny for parents and adults everywhere, and it shows that Mulaney’s dad is a bit of an icon.

5 'I’M LIKE AN IPHONE'

Another way that Mulaney’s comedy is super relatable is when it comes to getting older. While being in college and in your early 20s might still be fun and games, Mulaney talks about the woes of entering into mid-adulthood. This hilarious quote in its entirety reads, “I’m like an iPhone, it’s going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason.” Anyone who is starting to get to a phase of life where they aren’t considered young can relate to this.

4 'I WAS IN CONNECTICUT RECENTLY DOING WHITE PEOPLE STUFF…'

John Mulaney and Nasim Pedrad in Mulaney

Mulaney isn’t afraid to at times talk about issues of social justice, and he often does so in hilarious ways. He’s pretty aware of his privilege as a straight white man, and he makes jokes about it that can make all kinds of people laugh.

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This line might be short and sweet, but it’s definitely one that is dang funny and easy to come up with your own image of what kind of activities he’s talking about.

3 'JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE ACCURATE DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE INTERESTING'

Sometimes, Mulaney is able to offer some sage words of wisdom mixed in with all of his hilarious stories. During this part of his special, Mulaney says, “You’re like the kid at the sleepover who, after midnight, is like, ‘It’s tomorrow now.’ Get out of here with your technicalities. Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.”

It just goes to show that being right isn’t always the best thing to be and sometimes being too concerned with being literal is just annoying.

2 'I’LL KEEP ALL MY EMOTIONS RIGHT HERE, AND THEN ONE DAY I’LL DIE'

Mulaney has a way of making us all feel a little bit called out. With this bit, he’s talking about his Irish ancestry and how Irish people tend to keep their feelings held inside their entire lives. Obviously, doing so is not a great thing. While the specific story might be about being Irish, many of us can relate to holding our emotions close to the chest even at our own detriment.

1 'YOU REMEMBER BEING 12 WHEN YOU’RE LIKE, ‘NO ONE LOOK AT ME OR I’LL KILL MYSELF''

Once again, John Mulaney is able to capture that feeling of adolescence in a succinct and laughs-inducing manner.

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Being 12 years old is no walk in the park and every day can feel like you’re being judged. When you’re in middle school, feeling embarrassed continually is just part of the territory. Mulaney is able to sum all this up in just one short, hilarious line.

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