No matter which incarnation of the big red ape it is, from Mike Mignola's original to Guillermo del Toro's adaptations featuring Ron Perlman or the latest. more canonical David Harbour version, Hellboy has always entertained fans with his witty one-liners.
Red's quips range from the dark and sarcastic to the silly and still sarcastic, and even when the overall product isn't what we'd hoped for, as with Neil Marshall's unfortunate disjointed work, HB himself still manages to make us laugh at least sometimes, with Perlman probably having issued the most widely-recognized, hilarious lines that make audiences wish for a third film featuring the actor.
Here is Hellboy: 10 Best Quotes.
"She Wants Me To Do The Dishes."
Hellboy is many things, but a housekeeper isn't one of them. He's notoriously messy, which is one of the biggest bones of contention between him and Liz Sherman, his girlfriend in the del Toro films. Liz is exasperated when she finds her toothbrush in a can of cat food, but if it's her brush, how did it get there in the first place?
HB laments to his buddy Abe Sapien how Liz expects too much from him in Hellboy II: The Golden Army, saying, "I would give my life for her, but she also wants me to do the dishes." Clearly risking his own skin is much easier for Red than simply doing his share of household chores.
"Red, White, Whatever."
While Hellboy is known for many a quip, Liz also has her share of great lines, including one she makes when Agent John Meyers, who wore out his usefulness after del Toro's first film, tries to assess her interest in him during a mission. Liz makes it clear how annoyed she is that he's asking now, saying, "Red, white, whatever...Guys are all the same."
Liz isn't given other female characters to work with, which is a shame, but it's refreshing to have her present as a B.P.R.D. agent with her mind on the job instead of romance.
"Some Dads Give Their Kids Legos."
One of the best lines from the latest HB movie occurred when Hellboy looks at his revolver and remarks, "Some dads give their kids Legos." The man Hellboy calls father naturally gives his "son" weapons to help him destroy monsters.
Of course, Professor Broom isn't HB's real father, and Red reminds us of this when he states, "He's probably overcompensating because he's not my real dad." Both lines are hilarious and work well within Mignola's world. If only the movie itself, which tried to fit in too much Hellboy lore and different plot lines in at once, could say the same.
"Rotten Eggs And The Safety Of Mankind."
The relationship between Abe Sapien and Hellboy is much more comical in Guillermo del Toro's adaptations, which is sometimes a little cringey ("I can't smile without you!") but often works well. When Abe is nervous about a mission, for example, he asks Red to remind him why he does this work again.
Hellboy immediately replies, "Rotten eggs and the safety of mankind." Abe doesn't miss a beat, replying, "Ah," before he risks his life during the dangerous operation. This is obviously gallows humor, especially since Abe ends up in pretty critical condition, but we appreciate it breaking the tension in this moment.
"Red Means Stop!"
In the first del Toro movie, Perlman gets a chance to deliver several great one-liners. One of the best is when he's chasing after a monster and he says, "Red means stop!" The saying goes for stoplights but the quip is obviously meant to describe himself. He also throws a car in the air during the comment, which is fun.
A couple of other great one-liners include, "Second date, no tongue!" while fighting the hellhound, and ending the battle with "I'm fireproof. You're not," which comes in handy later when explaining why Liz Sherman can hold him while on fire.
"Glasshole."
In Hellboy II: The Golden Army, the tension with Manning from the first movie has grown stale and is replaced by some head-butting with Dr. Krauss, who later becomes an ally. When Dr. Krauss suggests that he "can take" Hellboy and proves himself right, it's one of the most hilarious scenes in the film.
The ectoplasmic spirit schools Hellboy with verbal lessons along with physical ones, using Seth MacFarlane's voice, no less. When he suggests that HB learn to control his temper before strutting off in song, Hellboy mutters, "Glasshole," referring to Johann's containment suit, which features a glass portion.
"Have You Looked In The Mirror Lately?"
When Ben Daimio remarks, "I thought we were supposed to be fighting monsters, not working with them," in the 2019 film, fans scoffed at the irony, especially those who knew Daimio from the comics and all of the damage he caused. Like most of the characters in the reboot, Daimio wasn't given enough character development to really pop in the movie, but he should have been a much more complicated character.
Still, HB made people snort when the affronted half-demon retorted, "Who are you calling a monster, pal? Have you looked in the mirror lately?" Ben got a couple of good lines in, too, such as asking Hellboy, "Were you expecting a sign that says 'Secret Headquarters'?" when HB dubiously eyed the building.
"Didn't Even Buy Me A Drink."
Perlman's Hellboy is a witty red monkey, immediately replying to grave situations or instructions with snarky humor and diffusing the tension — or dealing with stress using laughter, as many superheroes tend to do. When Abe remarks that Sammael had laid three eggs inside HB's skin after touching him for five seconds, HB scoffs, "Didn't even buy me a drink."
It's a hilarious line, but it also depicts Red dealing with something super gross that would unnerve most of us. Having eggs laid in one's skin is a nightmare of horrific proportions, but Hellboy deals with it with his trademark grit and guts.
"Lucy, I'm Home."
Hellboy II: The Golden Army wasn't as gritty as its predecessor, but it was a visual treat that incorporated the lore and various monsters used in the Hellboy universe much more elegantly than the reboot. Case in point: the Fragglewump that HB faced, complete with a canary. He called out, "Lucy, I'm home!" before approaching her and entering the Goblin Market, which could be used for a whole series of HB movies.
Golden Army featured a few other good one-liners, from "You woke up the baby!" to "I'm gonna get me Big Baby," which both refer to very different babies, one a human, the other HB's beloved gun. His "Open wide!" and "Oh, crap!" aren't as clever, but do deliver laughs.
"I'll Always Look This Good."
Hellboy's pretty insecure about his looks, going so far as to file down his horns to fit in. It pleases him to no end when Liz says he is the best "man" she knows, and it pains him to think she might choose the boring John Myers over him just because Myers looks normal.
When the team heads off to face Rasputin in the first del Toro film, HB takes Liz aside for a moment and says, "I wish I could do something about this," gesturing to his own face. "But I can't. But I can promise you two things. One: I'll always look this good. And two: I'll never give up on you... ever." Liz smiles and says she likes that, and frankly, so do we. It incorporates his humor with one of the most tender moments of the film.