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Silicon Valley Characters Sorted Into Their Hogwarts Houses

Silicon Valley is a technology mecca, where their innovations affect and morph the entire world. Yet the valley itself is an insular world unto its own. This is captured perfectly in HBO's Silicon Valley. The show features software designer Richard Hendrix and his pals navigating the perilous world of the tech industry. Obstacles lie at every turn, in the form of competitive engineers and conniving CEOs. Even annoying roommates prove to be threats.

The powerful yet isolated world of Silicon Valley is not unlike Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in Harry Potter. Its students have precious little contact with the outside world, yet are learning magic and fighting battles that have a global impact. Also like Silicon Valley, Hogwarts students have an array of personalities that mesh or clash as they interact.

What would happen if the Silicon Valley crew showed up at Hogwarts? Tradition dictates that they would need to attend the Sorting Hat ceremony—after they finish hooking the castle up with WiFi, that is. Which houses would Richard and co. be sorted into—Hufflepuff, Gryffindor, Slytherin, or Ravenclaw? Here are Silicon Valley Characters Sorted Into Their Hogwarts Houses.

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10 Richard Hendricks - Gryffindor

Child bullies have reduced this man to tears. Public speaking makes him vomit. So why on earth is Richard in Gryffindor, the bravest of all the houses? Because he takes risks. Richard had an opportunity for some easy money when Gavin Belson wanted to buy Pied Piper for ten-million dollars. Instead, Richard made an enemy out of Gavin by turning him down and taking another offer to run Pied Piper himself.

The faint-hearted side of Richard likely regrets this decision every day. It has led to no shortage of roadblocks, headaches, and foibles all of which have been a gem for the viewers. But even though he doesn't realize this about himself, Richard thrives when the chips are down. It forces him to make bold choices and be impulsive. Sometimes this blows up in his face in epic proportions, but it's this Gryffindor spirit that has kept Pied Piper alive and made Richard one of Silicon Valley's most (unlikely) dangerous players.

9 Donald "Jared" Dunn - Hufflepuff

To survive the blood sport that is the tech business, having a solid right-hand man is key. Inspired by Richard's bravery to not sell Pied Piper, Jared went all-in, declaring his allegiance to Richard. Over the course of five seasons, that loyalty has never shifted, even when Jared has disagreed with some of Richard's more unethical decisions. A loyalty of this caliber points to no other house but a Hufflepuff.

In addition to tripping over himself in a never-ending effort to make Richard happy, Jared is also a huge asset to Pied Piper. The other members of the team are all tech-guys, but Jared knows leaps and bounds about business and H/R. He has such a strong Hufflepuff work ethic that there are times Jared will only go to sleep when Richard orders him to. Jared also lived a mysterious, traumatic childhood which he casually mentions in an upbeat tone the way only a Hufflepuff can.

8 Bertram Gilfoyle - Ravenclaw

Gilfoyle is a satanist who makes a merry sport out of making Dinesh's life hell. Why isn't he a Slytherin? Because this is not what defines Gilfoyle. Sure, he enjoys being a mischievous imp but his shenanigans are akin to a coffee break. Just something to do.

Gilfoyle identifies himself as a "master coder" above all else. He is cool as a Ravenclaw cucumber about his impressive abilities. The only time anyone has seen him sweat is when it was revealed he had possibly made a hacking mistake that could ruin Pied Piper. He tore his office, home, and world apart in an effort to prove he didn't make the mistake. He was vindicated, both as a Pied Piper member and as a Ravenclaw.

7 Dinesh Chugtai - Hufflepuff

The tragic fate of the Hufflepuff is that they're always seen as lesser than the other three houses. This can get under some Hufflepuff's skin, and it certainly does for Dinesh. He's often in some juvenile competition with Gilfoyle, whether it's over sheer wit, coding aptitude, or ability to flirt with women. Dinesh loses more often than not.

Unfortunately, Hufflepuff Dinesh can also be quite gullible. At TechCrunch Disrupt, Dinesh thought he found the woman of his dreams based on the code she wrote. It turned out to just be a big prank, as it was Gilfoyle who wrote the code. After being the butt of the joke time and again, one would think Dinesh would give in. Never gonna happen. Dinesh gets knocked down more than anyone, but he keeps popping back up like an optimistic Whack-A-Mole.

RELATED: Silicon Valley Season 6 Production Delayed, May Not Air Until 2020

6 Erlich Bachman - Gryffindor

Erlich Bachman is an attention-seeking buffoon who made a few good plays during his time in the tech industry. The best was investing in his incubator, or "Hacker Hostel", so actual brilliant minds could work for his company. Cherry-picking your way to the top may point to a Slytherin, but Erlich lacks the desire or ability to screw anybody over. At least on purpose. His main motivation is to acquire all the glamorous trappings of a tech-billionaire—the car, the clothes, the women. Whereas a Slytherin's motto would be, "I want to destroy you," Gryffindor Erlich's is, "look at me, look at me, look at me!"

5 Nelson "Big Head" Bighetti - Hufflepuff

As delightful as they are, Hufflepuffs aren't known for their intellect. That means he's in the right house, because Big Head has none. What he does have is an unwavering ability to go with the flow. Other houses want to be in the driver's seat but Hufflepuffs are comfortable just sitting back and being the passenger. Whenever Big Head gets a piece of news, good or bad, he meets in with a shrug of the head and a nonchalant "okay." Maybe an extra sip of his Big Gulp.

RELATED: Harry Potter: 15 Things You Need To Know About Hufflepuff

Going with the flow has served Big Head well. By virtue of doing nothing, Big Head finds himself living in a mansion and owning a boat. That's a pretty sweet deal compared to Richard, the CEO of a major company who still bunks with the other dudes at the Hacker Hostel. While Big Head will never be a visionary, his inoffensive Hufflepuff demeanor means he doesn't have any enemies either. Sometimes the nice guys kind of win.

4 Gavin Belson - Slytherin

 

When Hogwarts was founded thousands of years ago, Salazar Slytherin looked into the future and declared that Slytherin House was made for people like Gavin Belson. The Hooli CEO has long since had his soul digitally removed to make room for more ego. Gavin surrounds himself with an army of sycophants who are so terrified of upsetting him that nobody mentions anything when Gavin's logo—his name, obviously—on The Box III: Signature Edition looks more than a little phallic.

Though the latest season did see Gavin getting a comeuppance for his bad behavior, it's a wonder he's been such a titan in the industry for so long. He uses money and power to buy allies, only to cast them aside like an out-of-date Mac Book whenever he has no more use for them. What Gavin lacks in conscience, he makes up for in Slytherin callousness.

3 Monica Hall - Hufflepuff

Not everyone in Silicon Valley is known for their people skills, making Monica a rare breed. She works on the business side of the industry, proving herself to be a loyal asset to Peter Gregory and later, Laurie Bream. Monica often serves as a liaison between her bosses and their tech companies, bearing the brunt of frequent clashes of ego. Only a patient Hufflepuff could endure this often thankless job without ripping their hair out. Likely nobody outside the Silicon Valley bubble knows Monica's name, as Hufflepuffs often don't get enough credit for the work they do. While Smokation users may condemn Monica's part-time nicotine vice, if anyone deserves the occasional puff, it's her.

2 Laurie Bream - Ravenclaw

Have you ever met somebody so devoid of emotion that you've questioned if they're part-robot? Chances are they're a Ravenclaw. Laurie Bream certainly is. She's at the top of her field and didn't get there by indulging in conversational frills like asking somebody how their day is going. She is a machine of braininess and no obstacle is great enough to stop her from working. This is a woman who birthed a child and went back to the office the same day.

While she doesn't always show her appreciation, Laurie knows she has a great business partner in Monica. Monica provides a friendly face to the company that Laurie isn't physically capable of making. Smiles are for the idle—and the human—and Ravenclaw Laurie has work to do.

1 Jian-Yang - Slytherin

Jian-Yang may seem like a harmless oddball—seriously, how could the creator of a hot dog-identifying app be a threat? But one would be foolish to underestimate this Machiavellian tech-bandit. He showed no loyalty to Erlich, taking advantage of his disappearance to take over Hacker Hostel and claim a share in the Pied Piper company. When that failed, Jian-Yang tried to sell a copy of Pied Piper's algorithm to the Chinese market. There's no question, Jian-Yang is a Slytherin. Not a hot dog.

NEXT: Mad Men Characters Sorted Into Their Hogwarts Houses

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