It's difficult to imagine most Stephen King characters outside Eyes of the Dragon attending classes with Harry Potter at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but if the boys of Stand by Me, or Stephen King's novella The Body, were able to play cards, use their secret knock and find a body in the Forbidden Forest, we've no doubt the language used at the castle would be much more colorful.
If Ace, Eyeball and everyone else in Castle Rock were transported to the wizarding world as well, tattoos at Hogwarts might become commonplace, and Muggles would suddenly find themselves without mailboxes. Here are the Stand By Me Characters Characters Sorted Into Hogwarts Houses.
10 Chris: Gryffindor
Chris Chambers is without a doubt the bravest character in Stand by Me. Not only does he have to put up with an abusive family, but he had the guts to do so much, from returning the milk money he stole even though he still got in trouble to daring to study hard and become something better.
Chris' last moments in life were even braver as he attempted to deescalate a fight and lost his life in the process. Chris is definitely Gryffindor material, as he is brave in many different ways.
9 Gordie: Ravenclaw
The obvious brain of the group, Gordie Lachance is as creative as Luna Lovegood with his storytelling abilities. Like Hermione, he helped his best friend succeed through school. Although he's naturally bright, Gordie feels a bit ashamed about his capabilities, mostly because he wants to be with his friends instead of pursuing accelerated classes.
Gordie carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, or at least he has since Denny passed away, and without Chris he likely wouldn't have chosen a rigorous academic course load. He otherwise has a good head on his shoulders and is the only one of the four to survive into midlife in the book.
8 Teddy: Gryffindor
While Teddy Duchamp certainly has some Slytherin and Hufflepuff qualities, his strongest quality is also unfortunately the one that just doesn't always serve him best — his nerve. Teddy is fearless to a fault and he can get into trouble for it. From taunting Milo Pressman's dog and using his sharp tongue to provoking bullies to trying to dodging a train, Teddy often comes off as unhinged, which is likely due to his unstable, abusive father.
Teddy would be the type of Gryffindor to suggest an outrageous prank or dare and be met with a simultaneous "I'm out!" from both Weasley twins.
7 Vern: Hufflepuff
Vern Tessio is a sweet kid who forgets the secret knock and loves nothing more than a good snack, particularly cherry-flavored Pez. Jerry O'Connell, who played Vern, certainly grew into his looks later, but as Vern, he endured bullying by both his enemies and his friends, as many heavy-set kids unfortunately can attest to as their norm.
Still, Vern remained loyal to Gordie, Teddy and Chris, lovingly dubbing hanging out with his friends a good time and easily forgiving them for the way they treat him, which is much more than we can say for Teddy, who nearly refuses to forgive Chris.
6 Ace: Slytherin
Of all of Stephen King's creations, John "Ace" Merrill is one of the most terrifying because he's so relatable. Everyone has an Ace Merrill in their past, and many people are haunted by a sadistic bully like that their whole lives. Ace takes utmost pleasure in harming people, and he actively plans stunts for his gang to pull, like destroying property.
Ace was ready to charge Chris Chambers with his knife over the glory of finding the body of Ray Brower, and even Eyeball, who didn't care about Ace possibly burning his little brother earlier in the film, says Ace is going to far — but hesitatingly so, since even Eyeball is afraid of his leader.
5 Charlie: Slytherin
Charlie Hogan is obviously the most fearful member of Ace Merrill's gang. When he stumbles upon the body of Ray Brower with Billy, he's terrified and whines so much that even the younger boys mock him. Charlie might seem like the Peter Pettigrew of Stand by Me, but his sense of self-preservation lands him into the Slytherin House along with most of his friends, along with a likely trip to Azkaban later, if not Shawshank.
Charlie's best friend and Vern's brother, Billy Tessio, is usually with him. The braver of the two, Billy would still end up in Slytherin as well, especially given his love of stealing things.
4 Milo Pressman: Slytherin
While nobody likes trespassers, junkyard owner Milo Pressman takes particular pleasure in taunting the tweens and teens who enter his domain unannounced, siccing his dog Chopper onto anyone who deigns jump his fence.
That may be within his rights as the owner of the property, but the fact that he taunts the kids while doing it, becoming infamous for training his dog to harm certain body parts, and making comments about Teddy's "loony" father, points toward a sadism that's often only found in the Slytherin house. Of course, we see Pressman as more of a Squib, Filch-like figure instead.
3 Denny: Hufflepuff
Gordie's late big brother, Denny Lachance, is the Cedric Diggory of Stand by Me. He's a sweet and goofy teenager whom everyone loved and admired, sometimes to a fault, much like Cedric. Even clerks at the store remember Denny with reverence, asking Gordie if he's Denny's little brother.
Denny supported Gordie and his writing even when his old man completely ignored the poor kid. The loss of Denny meant the loss of everything good in Gordie's home life, which is why he always wore his brother's hat, and when Eyeball stole the memento, Gordie was devastated. Denny's kindness and loyalty would have made him a great Hufflepuff.
2 Mr. Lachance: Slytherin
Who tells their child, "It should've been you," after their sibling just passes away? To be fair, Mr. Lachance does this in Gordie's dream and not during the actual funeral — as far as we know — but the feelings are definitely there every time he looks at his younger, less athletically-inclined, more intellectual child. Gordie is the forgotten child once his big brother is gone, even to his mother, who gave him minimal attention when Denny was living, but Mr. Lachance is downright mean.
Instead of helping his son heal, Mr. Lachance only belittles him and his choice of friends, asking why he can't have "friends like Denny's." Lachance's selfishness and cruelty place him on Lucius Malfoy's team. Grown Gordie, pictured here, is nothing like his father.
1 Eyeball: Slytherin
Eyeball Chambers is the second-most terrible character in Ace Merrill's gang, only second to Ace himself. Eyeball is cruel and takes great pleasure in tormenting his brother and his friends, not even intervening when Ace threatens Chris with a lit cigarette.
Eyeball belongs in Slytherin if he belongs anywhere, as he would happily take up arms with the Death Eaters after graduating from Hogwarts. The only question would be where he'd fall among the ranks, which would likely be near the top, since he's not as spineless and mindless as many of Ace's other goons.