Harry Potter: Dumbledore’s 10 Best Polite Burns

Albus Dumbledore’s magical talents are legendary – but his gift for delivering graciously-worded barbs is pretty impressive, too!

Yes, legendary wizard Albus Dumbledore has got style – but he’s also got sass to spare, as well. However, what sets the Hogwarts Headmaster apart from the many other sharp-witted characters in the Harry Potter universe is his penchant for delivering snarky comments in the most polite fashion imaginable.

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If we were talking about anyone else, this kind of behavior might come across as a tad passive aggressive. But in the case of Dumbledore – who ranks among the most powerful sorcerers of all time – it actually represents him taking the high road. Sure, dude could destroy most of his enemies with a casual flick of his wand, but – as this list of Dumbledore’s best polite burns illustrates – he’s often content to slay them with his well-picked words, instead.

10  “These Are Manners.”

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince concludes in suitably tense fashion, with a severely weakened Dumbledore disarmed and surrounded by a gang of Lord Voldemort’s nastiest Death Eaters. Yet despite the dire predicament the Hogwarts Headmaster finds himself in, he still greets his would-be assailants with perfect grace.

When one of the Death Eaters, Alecto Carrow, mocks Dumbledore for his etiquette – asking if the venerable wizard believes his “jokes” will save him – his response is priceless: “Jokes? No, no, these are manners.” But then, that’s Dumbledore: all class, even when the chips are down.

9  “I Have Gone Temporarily Deaf.”

Ok, we’ll admit it: this entry constitutes more of an alley-oop between Harry Potter and Dumbledore, rather than an outright burn by Albus himself. Nevertheless, it’s a hilarious example of Dumbledore’s extraordinary aptitude for saying one thing in order to mean another, which is why we’ve deemed it worthy of inclusion on this list.

In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry furiously labels despicable journalist Rita Skeeter a “cow” before quickly apologizing. In response, Dumbledore makes the deadpan announcement, “I have gone temporarily deaf and haven’t any idea what you said, Harry.” In doing so, he’s able to make his own contempt for Skeeter resoundingly clear, without having to resort to childish name-calling himself.

8  “I’m Not Entirely Sure He Can Read.”

The relationship between Dumbledore and his brother Aberforth can be described as “strained” at best – the two are largely estranged due to Albus’ role in their sister Ariana’s tragic demise. That said, the pair remained on speaking terms, with Aberforth even serving as a member of the Order of the Phoenix.

For his part, Albus wasn’t shy about publicly recognizing his younger sibling’s admirable qualities – even if he also rarely missed a chance to slip in a dig at his less-than-stellar academic record. Take Dumbledore’s pep talk to Hagrid in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: “It was all over the papers, but did Aberforth hide? No, he did not! He held his head high and went about his business as usual! Of course, I’m not entirely sure he can read, so that may not have been bravery…”

7 “Best To Say Nothing At All.”

A scene sorely missing from the film adaptation of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince sees Dumbledore finally take the Dursley family to task for the years of mistreatment Harry has suffered at their hands. He takes barely disguised glee in administering this blistering tongue-lashing that – whilst never outright uncivil – is jam-packed with savage moments.

When the blustery patriarch tries to head off his uninvited guest with: “I don’t mean to be rude...” Dumbledore immediately interjects “– yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often… best to say nothing at all, my dear man.” And that’s how you shut down a conversation before it even starts.

6 “I Should Offer Her A Pay Raise…”

Trelawney in Harry Potter

Gentleman that he is, Dumbledore is always unfailingly polite to his fellow Hogwarts professors – but that doesn’t mean he’s blind to the shortcomings of his less competent employees. Take Sybill Trelawney: Albus may be courteous towards this self-styled Seer, but he’s also fully aware that she’s basically a fraud.

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Dumbledore’s glib response upon learning that Trelawney has made her second ever legitimate prophecy in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban reveals as much. Presented with this news, he quips, “who’d have thought it? That brings her total of real predictions up to two. I should offer her a pay raise…” It’s a relatively gentle jab, but one laced with sass all the same!

5  “About Time, Too.”

Richard Harris as Dumbledore with Fawkes the Phoenix in Harry Potter

Even Albus’ feathery friend doesn't escape his master’s good-natured ribbing. This playful dynamic is established early on in the series after Fawkes the Phoenix erupts into flames in front of Harry Potter in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

Harry – unfamiliar with this particular fantastic beast’s rebirth-based life cycle – is understandably mortified, and his mood isn’t improved by Dumbledore’s blasé reaction to his familiar’s demise. With characteristic dry wit, the wizened sorcerer merely comments, “about time, too. He's been looking dreadful for days; I've been telling him to get a move on.”

4 “You Have Been Looking In The Wrong Places.”

This entry is concerned with another key moment from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince that never made the leap to the big screen: a flashback which shows Dumbledore visited at Hogwarts by a younger Lord Voldemort. Ostensibly, Voldemort is there to put his name forward for a teaching gig at the school, but this impromptu job interview soon transitions into a charged debate over the virtues of love-based magic versus the Dark Arts.

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Things reach their crescendo when Voldemort confidently proclaims that he’s never come across any evidence that love is more powerful than his own brand of black magic. Dumbledore skilfully ripostes with the suggestion, “perhaps you have been looking in the wrong places,” which may not seem like it warrants the label “burn,” but it cut the Dark Lord deep enough that he was barely able to contain the urge to curse his archfoe on the spot!

3 “I Can Think Of A Whole Host Of Things I’d Rather Be Doing.”

The confrontation between Dumbledore and Cornelius Fudge (and his Ministry minions) in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is considerably more protracted in the novel than in the film. In the book, after Albus makes it clear he has no intention of coming quietly, he goes on to proclaim that even if he was locked away in Azkaban, he could break free with no trouble.

Now, he could just as easily have left it at that – after all, he did just casually diss the Ministry of Magic’s supposedly inescapable prison directly to the Minister himself. But Dumbledore decides to toss in a little extra spice by adding “…and frankly, I can think of a whole host of things I would rather be doing.” Ouch.

2 “It Would Have Been Better Manners To Drink It.”

Let’s return to the third chapter of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, and yet another instance of Dumbledore ladling out snark to the Dursleys, this time in the form of a lesson on social decorum. As alluded to earlier, when he sits down for his not-so-pleasant chat with Harry’s detestable relatives, Albus conjures glasses of mead for them to all to sip on.

True to form, the Dursleys reject Dumbledore’s hospitality to the point where their cups are rapping them over the head. The Hogwarts Headmaster then banishes the glasses, but notes “…it would have been better manners to drink it, you know.” Uncle Vernon is again left speechless, bringing the score to 2-0 in Dumbledore’s favor.

1  “Not Unless You’re Foolish Enough To Force Me To.”

The Ministry of Magic

Finally, let's highlight Albus’ knack for talking tough when threatened… without ever actually talking tough. This gift comes to the forefront when Cornelius Fudge – confident that his victory is assured through the strength of numbers – sneers at Dumbledore: “So… you intend to take on Dawlish, Shacklebolt, Dolores, and myself single-handed, do you, Dumbledore?”

Albus’ response is classic – and perfectly encapsulates just how little he fears their combined powers in comparison to his own: “Merlin’s beard, no…Not unless you are foolish enough to force me to.”

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