I’ve been in the Harry Potter fandom for a long time. I started reading the books when I was seven and I’m now… well, old. That means I was around when Harry Potter And The Cursed Child was first announced. Originally, there was a rumor that it was going to be about Harry’s days with the Dursleys, which I was excited for. Then it was announced it would take place after the epilogue, and I was a bit more wary, but still excited.
I’ve since read the script and I, er—kind of wish it wasn’t a thing and I’d been left to my own devices and headcanons. Listen. I am or was a diehard Potter fan, but I would kind of like to pretend this doesn’t exist. There’s just too much to wrap my head around.
10. There Was A Rumor Scorpius Was The Son Of Lord Voldemort
Scorpius was described as looking like Draco, so I’m not sure why this rumor was a thing, but there we have it—it is canon that people genuinely believed Scorpius was the son of Lord Voldemort. The rumor alone seems like a reach to me. Scorpius has pretty clear Malfoy features and even if these had been magically altered why would Draco, of all people—who switched sides in the war eventually—be raising Voldemort’s son?
Of course, this wasn’t true, but even there being so much as a rumor seemed pretty baseless. I mean, how nuts would it for Voldemort to have a kid?! Oh wait...
9. Lord Voldemort Does Have An Actual Child
Delphi was posing as Amos Diggory's niece but, as it turns out, she was the love child of Bellatrix Lestrange and Lord Voldemort. It seems really weird to suddenly introduce a character that’s the child of the books’ major villain, and almost a bit cliche—was there not a better plot than a randomly evil child of the Dark Lord?
I didn’t like Delphi herself as a character either. I mean, aside from the fact she was evil, she just wasn’t as interesting as she could have been for the child of the two most evil people to ever grace the pages of the books.
8. Which Means He Was Lovers With Bellatrix Lestrange
I can’t. I just can’t.
Lord Voldemort was painted as being heartless. He wasn’t capable of love. The circumstances of his birth were so tragic that he wasn’t capable of being a normal human and loving like a normal human would. I get that Bellatrix was pretty enamored with him, because she was obvious about it despite being married to someone else, but why did he entertain it? Even if he didn’t love her, he doesn’t seem the type to mess around with her either… let alone risk having a baby with her.
Yeah. This whole thing was a bit much for me. Sorry Delphi, not buying it.
7. Harry Told Albus He Wishes He Wasn’t His Son
Harry was born to loving parents but before he could even begin to form memories, he had to go and live with the Dursleys. With them, he was neglected and abused, and he grew up knowing exactly what it was to feel unloved. He grew up knowing what bad parenting was. So even in a snap moment, why would he say something like this?
A temper isn’t a good reason—Harry knows better than that. I’ve been in some pretty heated parents with my fight too and they’ve never once said they wished I wasn’t their child. A real ouch moment.
6. Albus Was Sorted Into Slytherin
This seems so weird and yet, it’s actually the most believable thing on the list.
Albus seemed really concerned about being sorted into Slytherin, as Harry was. Harry asked the hat to be put in Gryffindor and was, and he shared this knowledge with Albus, who was relieved to hear it. But in this play, Albus was sorted into Slytherin anyway, despite knowing he could ask for Gryffindor and being deeply insecure about the whole thing.
I don’t know. After the epilogue, I feel like Albus would have asked for Gryffindor, but I suppose I get him embracing Slytherin. Still. It is our choices who show what we truly are...
5. The Trolley Witch Was A Monster
Scorpius and Albus, at one point, discover that the trolley witch is actually a monster designed to keep students from escaping the Hogwarts Express. Er... What?
Seems a bit risky, but what else do we expect from the school who puts students in danger constantly?
This one just seemed bizarre. I haven’t seen the play on stage so I’m sure it looked visually great to have that scene, but coming from someone who just read it all written down… This was another small thing that just ended up being hard to buy. At least this was a pretty small scene that was over quickly. Onto the next weird thing.
4. Hermione’s Whole Personality Was Dependent On Marrying Ron
Now, Harry Potter And The Cursed Child explored a lot of alternate timelines. It’s important to note before I go on that these were alternate timelines based on circumstances—all of them were considered possible. They weren’t fabrications, they were things that might have actually happened based on the butterfly effect of something small changing.
I really hate the implication that if Hermione hadn’t married Ron, she became a very mean professor, less successful and less happy than her married-to-Ron self. Hermione was great on her own. She didn’t need Ron to make her a good person. It seemed kind of insulting to give an unmarried version of her such an awful personality.
3. Draco Malfoy Would Have Become A Monster Had Voldemort Won
If Voldemort had won the war, apparently Draco Malfoy failing in his mission to kill Dumbledore and trying to switch sides wouldn’t have mattered, because he became an awful Ministry official who would encourage attacks on Muggles.
Listen. I know Draco Malfoy could be a jerk. I know he wasn’t a particularly nice person in school. But it was pretty firmly clarified in the books that he wasn’t evil, just spoiled and extremely misguided. It seems weird that circumstances could have pushed him to this.
If I knew there was this version of Draco that could have existed, I would have punched him if I were told this as Harry after I stuck up for him so much.
2. There Was A Possibility Of Cedric Joining The Death Eaters
Cedric Diggory, like all of the other characters in this play, deserved better.
Here was the thing about Cedric. He was a Hufflepuff so he was a good, loyal, hard-working person. He even seemed to feel bad when people were being mean to Harry because they thought Harry posed a threat to Cedric winning the Triwizard Tournament. And yet, we’re supposed to believe that because he was humiliated once, he went on to become a Death Eater?
Seems far-fetched, but okay…
There’s just so much about this play that is hard to believe. I get that it had to look good, but surely the characters could have stayed more loyal to themselves...
1. There Was Also A Possibility Of Dementors Patrolling Hogwarts
Another weird thing about that alternative timeline—Umbridge had dementors patrolling Hogwarts.
This seems bizarre for a bunch of reasons but mostly, how could students concentrate and do their best with dementors patrolling the school? Even the inquisitorial squad surely hated it there, because they would constantly feel awful. Even Umbridge.
I’m not trying to be a killjoy! Like I said, I’ve heard this play looked amazing on stage. But if you read it as a book, a lot of really, really weird things became canon.
As a collective fandom, can we just agree to pretend this doesn’t exist? Okay? Good!