At Hogwarts, the Sorting Hat is all-powerful. When it decrees what house a student belongs to, there is no room for discussion or debate from student, professor, or even Dumbledore himself. Students belong in their assigned houses - Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin - based on their personality traits and roles in society. Maybe they'll be happy in their prescribed houses; maybe they won't. That really doesn't matter. In Harry Potter, the word of the Sorting Hat is final.
This is a rose-colored version of the Republic of Gilead. Gilead, formerly the United States, is a totalitarian republic under which most of The Handmaid's Tale characters live. People, particularly women, are forced to take on roles such as Wife, Handmaid, Martha, etc. In this brutal, dystopian society, failure to conform to your role could mean an array of sadistic punishments, none of which involving a quick, easy death.
What if the Gilead powers-that-be chose to chill out a bit? Cancel the "Ceremonies", give the executioners the day off, and just round everybody up to board the Hogwarts Express? Upon arrival, what houses would June, her friends, and her nemeses find themselves in? Only one way to find out.
SPOILER ALERT: This article contains major spoilers to events in the show thus far
10 June Osborne - Gryffindor
Any handmaid deserves to be in Gryffindor after having endured the atrocities forced upon them. June has been fighting a battle since the moment she arrived on the Waterfords' doorstep. At first, it was to keep hope that her husband and daughter, separated from her, were still alive. Then, when she discovered they were, it was to fight tooth and nail to reconnect with them. It didn't take much convincing for June to join Mayday, the resistance. Though facing unspeakable torture should she be caught, June has always persevered. She is so committed to the cause that when she had the opportunity to escape Gilead, June didn't take it. She chose to stay behind and fight. Harry Potter and the Gryffindors would be proud.
This isn't to say June doesn't have her faults. While she's shown superhuman-like self control to not explode at the repressive hell she lives in, she has been known to be impulsive and willful at times. As important as bravery is, so is learning the lesson that you play along to get along. At times, June can't help but rise to the occasion after one of Serena's verbal jabs. When the Commander hits her, June hits right back. While that may have arguably been the best moment of the show, it wasn't the smart thing to do. June is lucky she's not dead, though when that day comes, she'll meet it head-on.
9 Fred Waterford - Slytherin
If a yuppie's office and the Slytherin common room had a baby, it would be Fred Waterford's private study. Though the Commander may present himself as a soft-spoken, pious man, he serves no God, human, or living creature, who isn't himself. He formed a society that caters to his every whim, yet he stills breaks its rules. This is demonstrated when he takes June to Jezebels, an underground sex club frequented by other hypocritical commanders and their hostage handmaids.
Fred does show a flicker of something that resembles kindness, like when he gave June a picture of her daughter. But behind this act of generosity was a bribe for June to keep a more harmonious household. Fred sure doesn't contribute to that himself. Of all the people in Gilead, Fred treats his wife Serena the worst. The husbands of Gilead are notorious for being dismissive and stepping out, but Fred kicks that up a notch, like when he beat Serena with a belt or when he ordered her finger to be cut off. Fred Waterford is the type of Slytherin who scares other Slytherins.
8 Serena Joy Waterford - Season 1: Slytherin/Season 2: Gryffindor
This isn't how the Sorting Hat works. Once you're placed in a house, you're stuck there. Well, too bad. Serena has shown such tremendous character development over the course of Season 1 and 2, it's impossible to keep her in Slytherin House. Yes, at the beginning Serena was a hellcat of the wickedest order. She was totally complicit with her husband in forming the oppressive world of Gilead, knowing that she would be destroying thousands of lives in the process. When all went according to plan—her plan—Serena still wasn't satisfied. She grew jealous of the attention Fred paid to June and lashed out at her whenever an opportunity presented itself. Slytherin to the core.
Then something happened. June got pregnant with "Serena's" baby. Upcoming motherhood forced Serena to see Gilead for what it was, and that place is not friendly to females. She realized that for the good of her baby and subsequently all females, things needed to change. Serena started taking steps and, like most Gryffindors, didn't stop to think about the consequences. In her case, one such consequence was loss of a finger. When Serena gave up the baby she so desperately wanted in hopes that it could have a safer future, this was an act of sheer bravery. Serena now belongs in House Gryffindor.
7 Aunt Lydia - Hufflepuff
Take a deep breath. Maybe several. When you're ready, keep reading.
Aunt Lydia is a tyrant. She rules with fear and punishes with ferocity. Why isn't she a Slytherin? Slytherins are cunning people who'll do anything to get what they want, even if it means breaking the rules. Aunt Lydia wouldn't know how to break a rule if she tried. When a handmaid steps out of line, Aunt Lydia doesn't torture her just for fun; she truly believes she is doing her job and teaching the handmaid a lesson. Her handmaids rebel time and again, so Aunt Lydia punishes them and in her own twisted, beyond-sick way, believes she loves them. Once, she ordered Janine to have her eye gouged out; episodes later, Aunt Lydia is lobbying for Janine to be able to participate in a feast with other handmaids, even though she's "marked". In other words, Aunt Lydia is patient, loyal, and hard-working. She's a Hufflepuff alright, albeit a scary one.
6 Nick Blaine - Ravenclaw
How does Nick survive Gilead? He keeps his wits about him. In the early days, Nick made friends with the right people, including Commander Waterford, making himself seem like a loyal, invaluable member to the cause...despite Nick personally disagreeing with the Commander's puritanical beliefs. With such a sterling reputation, Nick was able to join Mayday without anyone being the wiser.
Much like a Ravenclaw, he uses his cool intellect to see his plans through. Though Nick has weaknesses, mainly for June, he remains a paragon of composure. Nick puts his life on the line repeatedly, but only after meticulously thinking the plan through. A Ravenclaw like Nick is a good person for Mayday to have on their side.
5 Moira - Gryffindor
In the beginning of the Gilead takeover, everyone and their pet goldfish was trying to escape. Making a run for it, post-takeover? That's bravery bordering on recklessness, aka Gryffindor's specialty. Moira, dressed as an Aunt, tried to escape the Red Center, June in tow. June got busted but Moira escaped...or so she thought. She was caught and given a choice, work herself to death in the Colonies or become a prostitute at Jezebels. She chose the latter. Moira allowed the debaucherous life to wash over her for a while, but a re-connection with June lit a fire under Moira, motivating her to run again. Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws would have stayed put; Slytherins would have killed their enemies just for fun; but a true Gryffindor throws caution to the wind. Moira is now living free in Canada, all thanks to her courage.
4 Luke Bankole - Hufflepuff
Luke is a loyal, steady guy. Ask anyone (except his first wife). When the world was crumbling around him and his family as Gilead gained power, Luke held it together. He knew he couldn't empathize with the state-approved misogyny faced by June, Moira, and other women, so he kept his mouth shut and listened.
Luke is one of the lucky ones, who was able to escape into Canada. Throughout his journey, he took risks only when necessary. Luke is not a slave to blind action. Now living in "Little America", Toronto, Luke is a calming presence to traumatized refugees, including Moira, whom he reconnects with. In the fight against Gilead, steady hands are needed just as much as valiant warriors.
3 Rita - Ravenclaw
Though Rita keeps her head down and does her work, she is no willing servant in the Republic of Gilead. As the Martha, a domestic servant, of the Waterford home, Rita runs a tight ship. Her hands are always moving and she is never off her feet. Meaning, she's playing by the rules to ensure survival.
However, when the Waterfords' backs are turned, Rita doesn't rest on her laurels. She's a member of Mayday and she is moving and shaking faster than she can chop an onion. Like Nick, Rita's intelligent and always one step ahead of everyone else, never in danger of getting caught. A true Ravenclaw waits for the perfect moment to strike. Rita displays this ability several times, like when she smuggled June a stack of letters, or when she helped her and her new baby escape the Waterford home.
2 Janine - Hufflepuff
Hufflepuffs don't need to prove anything to anybody. Gryffindors love to show off their bravery; Ravenclaws, their smarts; Slytherins, their power. Not Hufflepuffs. They don't care. Hufflepuffs have simple needs that, when met, provide contentment. Janine is one of those people. Though her mind is irrevocably altered after repeated torture, she is the one with the brightest spirit. All she wants is her baby.
Hufflepuffs instill love in people they didn't know possible. When the Handmaids were ordered to stone Janine to death, they all refused out of love for her. It's not just anyone who can inspire such a blatant act of rebellion. Janine brims with love and kindness, making her a supreme Hufflepuff.
1 Emily - Gryffindor
Somehow, by the fates of the moons and the stars and the suns and who knows what, Emily is still alive. The woman is unstoppable. After a castration and the gruelling hardships of the Colonies, anyone else would throw in the towel. Not Emily. She keeps fighting—even at times she shouldn't—and that's what makes her a Gryffindor. This is the Handmaid who stole a car and ran over a bunch of guards in broad daylight for fun. It could have cost her her life, but Emily didn't care. What is life, even life in Gilead, without taking a chance and throwing caution to the wind?