Now that Pokémon Go has descended upon the public, the childhood dream of millions of kids has come true – they, too, can become Pokémon trainers! Pokémon Go seems to be one step closer to the world’s wildest scientists just manufacturing their own Pokémon, which sounds fun until you consider the implications of real-world Pokémon. For every adorable, cuddly Pocket Monster like Jigglypuff and Pikachu, there’s a terrifying creature like Haunter or Victribell awaiting their prey. While the line between the world of Pokémon and the real world gets increasingly blurred, there are some Pokémon that are worth staying away from at all costs.
If you’re walking down the road with a pocket full of Pokéballs, waiting to catch something, make sure you do your best to keep away from these extra-frightening Pokémon.
There’s a certain charm to Zubats, just like there’s a certain charm to flies and gnats. Even in your loneliest moments, it’s likely that there is a Zubat somewhere nearby. It’s almost impossible to go more than ten steps in any type of cave in the world of Pokémon without coming across any of these creatures. One or two Zubats is annoying. Five or six Zubats presents a distinct possibility for danger. But 100 Zubats (which doesn’t seem impossible considering how often they show up) is something worth being afraid of. If you see one Zubat, it’s best to turn away before you see another – and another – and another.
How to avoid a Zubat? First off, stop going into caves. All caves, any cave, everything that could possibly be described as “cavernous” in any way is off-limits. Caves are no longer a part of your dictionary. If you absolutely have to go into a cave for any reason, just be sure to stock up on repels.
What is Weezing, exactly? Most other Pokémon are based off animals that already exist, or they take the “inanimate object, but sentient” approach. However, it’s not clear what Weezing is inspired by. It’s implied that Weezing is the product of toxic gases hardening into some kind of spherical creature which then emits its own poisonous gas. It shouldn’t be forgotten, also, that one of Weezing’s signature moves is Self-Destruct. That’s right, Weezing is willing to explode just to leave you in a cloud of toxic dust.
Weezing’s whole existence also raises a lot of questions about life and the nature of sentience – are both of its heads truly alive? Which one is the main head? The big one, or is that too obvious? Either way, there’s a lot of questions raised by Weezing’s entire existence, and not many answers. If you’re not a fan of toxic gases or phenomena that questions what it truly means to be sentient, stay away from Weezing.
14. Mr. Mime
Why does this Pokémon look so much like a human? Why is this Pokémon a mister? Anything that is trying this hard to appear human is worth questioning, and Mr. Mime is settled right into the Uncanny Valley of “Is that really a bunch of dudes who cut their hair weird and decided to pretend to be a Pokémon species?” Also, according to the Pokédex, there are female Mr. Mimes. Whatever committee names Pokémon really should have a conversation about gender fluidity, it’s 2016 after all.
As if Mr. Mime’s appearance wasn’t disconcerting enough (and he’d easily one of the creepiest Pokés out there), there’s also the fact that, according to its Podédex entry on Pokémon Emerald, “A Mr. Mime is a master of pantomime. It can convince others that something unseeable actually exists. Once believed, the imaginary object does become real.” This weird Mine-man has the power to create anything out of thin air. Anything. If you find yourself in a dark alley alongside a Mr. Mime — which, thankfully, isn’t too likely — don’t hang around long enough to find out what it’s making.
Wasps are the worst, right? They’re malicious, always seeming angry for no reason, and they have a vicious sting to them. Wasps always manage to show up at the worst times, too – be it a leisurely stroll through the forest or during a family barbeque. Wasps suck.
Now imagine wasps were 3 feet tall and its arms were giant fist-sized stingers. That’s how awful running into a Beedrill would be in real life.
Beedrill is mostly harmless in its early forms, with Weedle threatening nothing but a light poke from a small stinger, and Kakuna being almost entirely immobile. However, once that Kakuna cracks open and reveals the angry, vengeful eyes of Beedrill, it’s time to turn around and start running. It’s poisonous, too. If the gaping holes left in you from the size of those stingers aren’t enough, the poison will be. Next time you head into the forest, stock up on bug spray.
One of the earliest examples of Pokémon’s proclivity to throw darts at a wall of objects and say “Okay, we’re going to make a Pokémon that is that, but sentient!” There were probably less alarming ideas they could’ve tried out first, however, instead of going right to “sentient toxic sludge.” It’s not even entirely clear what Muk’s body looks like, as it is always releasing a constant stream of toxic fluid from its body.
Its toxic body is apparently so powerful, that it kills any plants or trees that it comes in contact with. Muk’s Pokédex Entry in Pokémon Sapphire claims that “In dirty towns where people think nothing of throwing away litter on the streets, Muk are certain to gather.” So if you live in a city or an especially clean town, do your part and start throwing things away properly, even recycling! If not, it may not be long before you put your foot too close to a gutter drain and a Muk’s arm reaches out to grab you.
How terrified must the first person who actually managed to evolve a Magikarp have been? They found this little orange fish whose body is almost entirely bone and scale, making it pointless to try and consume. Then this person decided he was going to train this floppy orange fish who seemed content to merely splash around, and only managed to fight other Pokémon by struggling. The Pokédex itself even states “Magikarp is a pathetic excuse for a Pokémon.” Then one day, that little Magikarp suddenly turns into a 21-foot tall sea dragon.
This massive beast has great destructive properties going back centuries, as the Pokédex states that Gyarados is “known for totally destroying cities in ancient times.” If you see a Gyarados on the horizon, the best thing you can do is head far, far away from water in the hopes that you could avoid its wrath.
Absol itself isn’t that terrifying. It’s some kind of dog/cat hybrid mammal that happens to have some kind of scythe-esque growth coming out of its head for whatever reason. This Dark-type Pokémon doesn’t even to seem to have a very intimidating moveset either, learning mostly normal-type moves like Slash and Quick Attack as opposed to some of the more malicious dark-type moves like Crunch and Torment.
What makes Absol worth avoiding, however, is what the appearance of Absol brings with it. According to its Pokédex entry in Pokémon Alpha Sapphire, “Absol has the ability to foretell the coming of natural disasters. It lives in a harsh, rugged mountain environment. This Pokémon very rarely ventures down from the mountains.” Basically, if you happened to have the misfortune of running into an Absol, it means that something horrible is going to happen to everything and everyone around you soon. Be it an earthquake, tornado, or tsunami, the Absol is a bad omen that signifies the coming of devastation.
Another entry in Pokémon’s long-running “a thing, but sentient” series of Pokémon species, Garbador is just a walking pile of garbage. Not in the metaphoric way that some people are described as walking piles of garbage, no. Garbadors appear to literally be piles of garbage that have fused together.
The garbage-eating Garbadors seem to be a smelly nuisance, but they also have a fairly vicious reputation. According to its Pokédex entry in Pokémon Black, “[Garbador] clenches opponents with its left arm and finishes them off with foul-smelling poison gas belched from its mouth.” Imagine walking around the city, minding your own business, and the next thing you know something grabs you and starts breathing toxic fumes into your face. Maybe it’s best just to stay in on trash day in the Pokémon world.
Enjoy your sense of hearing while you can, because it won’t last long after running into an Exploud. Exploud’s body is essentially a series of tubes out of which sound emits. These tubes are mostly used for communication, but in battle, Exploud can emit loud, booming sounds as weapons to damage their opponents. While this doesn’t sound as terrifying as some other Pokémon that can cause fatal damage, seeing this Pokémon in the wild is almost a promise that it’ll be the last thing you ever hear.
According to various Pokédex entries, “Its howls can be heard over six miles away.” For references, most airplanes fly at an altitude of about 6.6 miles above the ground, which roughly places Exploud’s outbursts at 140 dB. If you’re close enough to an Exploud to see it and it releases noise, there’s a very good chance that you won’t be hearing anything else anytime soon. Exploud’s bellows are so powerful that they’re even said to be the cause of earthquakes. Exploud may appear to be a very underwhelming Pokémon, but that doesn’t mean it can’t ruin your entire life with relative ease.
Of the original 150 Pokémon (or 151, depending on whether you count Mew), there’s no denying that Gengar was the spookiest Pokémon around. While newer ghost Pokémon have formed more alarming habits and more vicious ways of haunting the still-living, there’s no denying that Gengar is probably the one you want to run into the least. Gengar doesn’t use tricks to lure in its prey, it lets you know from the get-go that he is bad news.
Gengar itself chills the air around it by about 10 degrees Fahrenheit, making its presence physically felt. Gengar hides in the shadows, casting curses on its prey. Its body blends in against the night, the only clearly visible parts of it being its blood-red eyes and its white, shining grin. None of that is as weird as the fact that this ghost has a really weird licking obsession. Ghastly, Haunter, and Gengar all have an urge to lick other Pokémon, as well as trainers, in the hopes of paralyzing them. It would be creepy if anyone went around trying to lick strangers, but the fact that these sneaky ghosts are going around licking people means that they should be avoided at all costs.
Espurr’s entire presence is deeply unsettling. It’s relatively small, only a foot-high, but there is absolutely nothing going on in those eyes. Espurr doesn’t look at objects or people, it looks through them. Espurr looks like it wants to begin every conversation with the phrase “Things were different, in the war…” One can imagine that the world that Espurr sees isn’t the same world that the average human or Pokémon sees, but some kind of psychic nether realm filled with darkness.
It’s blank, empty stare hides an even darker secret between its ears. According to its Pokédex entry in Pokémon X, “The organ that emits [Espurr’s] intense psychic power is sheltered by its ears to keep power from leaking out.” This weird terror-cat has so much psychic energy that it’s on the verge of leaking out of its own head. Standing next to an Espurr is essentially the equivalent of standing next to an unstable nuclear reactor, except instead of nuclear power it’s psychic power and it’s only a foot tall. Don’t walk, run away the moment you see one of these things.
The entire Porygon evolutionary chain is creepy in its own way. Porygon is a Pokémon made entirely out of code that can exist in the real world, as well as in the virtual world. Already, this is a Pokémon that can transcend dimensions, albeit it man-made ones. Its updated model, Porygon2, is a cleaner model designed for space travel. All is well until this virtual Pokémon ends up turning into Porygon-Z.
Whatever scientists developed Porygon-Z flew a little too close to the sun and ended up creating a living computer virus. Its Pokédex entry simple reads “Its programming was modified to enable work in alien dimensions. It did not work as planned.” Porygon-Z may be able to dive into your iPad and corrupt your files, but it’s also a gateway to an alien dimension waiting to be opened. If you’ve ever wanted to spend time with a sentient Harlan Ellison short story, Porygon-Z is the Pokémon for you. For everyone else who wants to live a happy life, stay away.
Drowzees are alarmingly un-threatening, at least in appearance. It’s just a weird, sleepy elephant-man. It’s portly and clumsy-looking. Sure, it’s a psychic-type, which means it can do some crazy stuff with its mind, but surely a Drowzee can’t be that dangerous. Drowzees are as innocent as Pokémon can get – until you go to sleep that is.
If you do happen to run into a Drowzee in the world, make sure you’re looking over your back as you return home to ensure that it isn’t following you. Once you go to sleep, the true terror of Drowzee’s nature becomes apparent. According to its Pokédex entry in Pokémon Emerald, “If your nose becomes itchy while you are sleeping, it’s a sure sign that a Drowzee is standing above your pillow and trying to eat your dream through your nostrils.” This Pokémon is literally going to eat your dreams, and because you are asleep, there is nothing you can do to stop it. Thankfully, these Pokémon seem to lack opposable thumbs, so a locked door may be enough to keep them at bay.
Have you ever gone hiking to just take in nature and appreciate its scope? Have you ever walked along a quarry or a canyon and marveled at the size of some of these boulders? Rocks so large that if rolling downhill, they could likely topple forests and even the strongest of man-made structures. Imagine all those rocks rolled together, stacked upon each other to form a 26-foot long rock-snake that grew eyes and a mouth.
Onix is a giant, sentient rock snake that, according to its Pokémon Silver Pokédex entry, “rapidly bores through the ground at 50 mph by squirming and twisting its massive, rugged body.” If you start to feel the Earth shake beneath your feet, there’s a possibility that a gigantic stone serpent is going to burst out of the ground with enough speed to send you hurdling into the air, Team Rocket-style.
Wailord is a fairly innocent Pokémon, one of many water Pokémon that live within the seas of Johto, Sinnoh, and Unova. What makes Wailord different than every other Pokémon that lives in the sea, or on land for that matter, is that Wailord is huge. Massive. Gigantic. Wailord is the largest Pokémon in existence, towering over the next tallest Pokémon, Steelix, by a whopping 17 feet. Wailord even towers over legendary Pokémon like Groudon and Rayquaza. Its sheer size makes Wailord a wonder to behold, but also something to fear.
A whale the size of a 5-story building is terrifying on its own. Even more terrifying is the fact that they, if the Pokémon HeartGold/SoulSilver Pokédex is to be believed, “jump as a pack to herd their prey.” Imagine you’re minding your own business on a boat, and the next thing you know a group of animals (who put together are roughly the size of a small city) leap up from the ocean — and their target is you. Jonah may have survived the belly of a whale, but that doesn’t mean anyone else would. Maybe next time you’re considering travelling across the ocean, take a plane instead.
Giratina is a Ghost Dragon that, according to its Pokédex Entry, “was banished for its violence.” Let’s break that down.
Ghosts are spooky. They’re not quite dead, but certainly not alive. They don’t have to subscribe to the rules of physics and often exist only to torment humans. Dragons are big and scary – Giratina itself is anywhere between 14 and 22 feet tall depending on its form – and can usually do things no animal should be able to do. Dragons can fly, breath fire, and bring about all kinds of apocalyptic destruction. Giratina is a Ghost Dragon, which makes it about as scary as anything can be, especially when you consider that he’s one of the most powerful Pokémon in existence.
As if that wasn’t a big enough reason to stay away from this thing, there’s it’s terrifyingly cryptic Pokédex entry stating that it “was banished for its violence.” Banished from where? To where? By who? What violence? If you come across Giratina, you’re essentially walking towards the Pokémon equivalent of Satan. If you come across this Pokémon in the wild, don’t even bother running. It’s probably already too late.
Now we all know Pokémon aren’t real, but it’s entirely possible that within the century, some wild scientists will create their own Porygon or someone else will figure out how to make rats electric. But if there are any Pokémon that you think should be avoided in the comments, please let us know – just in case.
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