Imagining Mikey, Chunk, Data and Mouth of The Goonies at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is great fun, especially when you think of all the shenanigans the Goonies could have gotten into with magic on the table. They definitely would have given the Weasley twins a run for their money; Mouth and Fred would have hit it off just fine.
While the Goonies were hoping to save the Goondocks and not the entire world, they still exhibit the same adventurous spirits seen in the Potter trio as well as many of the archetypes found in the Hogwarts Houses, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Gryffindor.
Without Mikey, the Goonies wouldn't have an adventure. Between his passion for his fathers' stories to his earnest belief in not only the legends but his own abilities, Mikey isn't about to let anything, from Troy's father to his own asthma, stand in his way. That might sound rather like a Slytherin, but Mikey does things by honest means, and saving his family and friends is much more important to him than the glory of the rich stuff. He even leaves a pan of gold behind just for One-Eye Willy.
Mikey's brave spirit is really the heart of the film, and aside from his big brother, he's the leader of the group. Even when we see how scared he is, he still does what's necessary, encourages his friends to do the same and keeps moving toward his goal.
Both of the brothers Walsh happen to be Gryffindors, but Brand is the more obvious one. He's fearless to the point of even borrowing a little kid's bike in order to catch up with his brother and his buddies, which, while pathetic, takes a lot of guts. He even approaches his rival on said bike!
Brand works out and is the tough guy of the group, which not only makes it easy for him to be intimidating but also makes it easy to see why he eventually became Cable. Brand isn't as adventurous as his little brother, but it's more due to his age and cool factor than lack of interest. As soon as he sees that pirate ship, he's just as excited as Mikey. A natural leader who bosses the Goonies around, he's also willing to put himself in danger to save others, particularly his brother and Andy.
She feels like she's babysitting but not getting paid. Stef might be a loyal friend to Andy, brave in the face of an octopus and too proud to say anything that renders her vulnerable, but ultimately she's a clever Ravenclaw who cuts through the crap and tells it like it is. The Goonies can count on Stef to sum up whatever is happening in one pithy line.
Stef is confrontational, particularly when it comes to Mouth, but it's usually to point out how wrong someone else is. She also happens to be right most of the time. Stef would do well in a house that recognized her wit and ability to see the big picture.
Taking your coin back because your wish didn't come true--along with the coins of everyone else in town? Goading your vulnerable friend into doing an embarrassing dance just to gain entrance into the yard? Sounds like a Slytherin. Mouth might be funny and generally not as cruel as Draco Malfoy, but he's still got the makings of a serpent-bearer.
Mouth has a big mouth on him, which often gets him into trouble. That kind of confident swagger could be placed in a couple of houses, but it's his glee in humiliating others and penchant for mean-spirited pranks that make him a Slytherin.
If Chunk were more deceptive, he'd be the Peter Pettigrew of the Goonies, but he's got a heart of gold. He's a good sport who loves to eat, is loyal to his friends and, even when he's terrified and protesting the entire time, he still makes good on his promises, which makes him a true Hufflepuff.
There's a lot of The Goonies in the Stranger Things kids, and the character Dustin has some of Chunk's best qualities. Chunk is the kind of kid who would welcome the Hawkins kids into the Goonies with open arms.
If there's a Goonie who's an obvious Ravenclaw, it's Data. The young inventor values brains and cleverness above all, and even when his creations fail, his innovative spirit keeps him learning and proceeding to the next thing. Data is all about problem-solving, and his inventions reflect that. Data's many inventions are even cleverly named for the jobs they are meant to carry out.
From his Slick Shoes and Pinchers of Peril to his Wings of Flight and Bully Blinders, Data shows that he's ahead of his time. If only the tech he needs could catch up with him.
Sloth has the makings of a Slytherin, given his upbringing and treatment. He could also be considered a Hufflepuff, as warm and open-hearted as he is despite his life. But when it all comes down to it, the Sorting Hat would recommend Sloth for Gryffindor because of his brave heart.
Sloth is willing to sacrifice himself for the people he loves. He charges in without regards to the danger, set on making wrongs right and being the hero even if it comes at great personal risk. Like Neville, he will even stand up to the people he lives with if it means doing the right thing, which is true bravery.
Andy is the group's Cedric Diggory. She's beautiful and beloved, and while she definitely has her brave moments, the spotlight is much more on her friendliness and loveliness. She's not the bold one, and would often prefer to sit out of an adventure, although she might join in if it means a secret smooch with Brand.
While it's questionable in its nature to Troy, Andy's loyalty is also quite strong. Even when he harasses her, she remains his friend and doesn't return his jacket to him until she's decided to be loyal to the Goonies instead. The kindness she uses in gently dealing with Mikey's smitten heart is also true of a Hufflepuff.
Troy is the Draco Malfoy of The Goonies: he's a sniveling little rich boy who whines for daddy whenever something goes wrong. He loves to rub his wealth and power in the faces of those he considers to be beneath him, and he laughs and brags to his friends about his life. Even when he has the opportunity to help the Goonies out of a well, he can't resist the urge to mock them.
A bully to the core, Troy never resists the urge to hurt someone when it comes easily. In a deleted scene, he shoves Chunk into an ice cream freezer, and he almost offs Brand by holding onto his hand while speeding up his car, forcing the bike-bound teen to go flying off a cliff.
Like Troy, Mama Fratelli certainly isn't one of the Goonies, but if she were living in the wizarding world, she'd certainly be a Slytherin. Fratelli is full of pride and ambition, but most of all she is cunning. It doesn't matter if you're a teen boy afraid of a knife or blender or an FBI agent snooping around where your nose doesn't belong: if you get in her way, she will not hesitate to take you out.
From elaborate jail breaks and fake money to playing pirates, Mama Fratelli is all about making it rich, and as important as family is to her, she puts number one first at all times.