As they say in St Olaf, "helderberlderflergen-nursurblrgen!" Although, shockingly, there is no English word for "helderberlderflergen-nursurblrgen," loosely-translated, it means, "I hope you have a license to carry that glurflurfen".
Rose Nylund's Scandinavian roots are a source of constant comedy on The Golden Girls, despite the fact that nowadays they would be considered wholly insensitive to Nordic culture. The widowed 60-something-year-old from St. Olaf loves to tell stories of her first 50 years in the Minnesotan town. Sadly, Rose, who considers herself a great storyteller, is very bad at telling stories. But, although these stories irritate Dorothy, Sofia and Blanche, they entertain and amuse audiences, even today.
Bitter Butter Memories
"I've known some real disappointment too, believe me. I wanted to be Butter Queen. Butter Queen was our town's highest honor … I've kept these bitter butter memories too long."
Rose and her parents had high hopes that Rose would be crowned the St. Olaf Butter Queen. Rose herself admits that for 16 years her "life revolved around butter." After acing the "evening gown competition" and the "butter quiz," Rose reached the status of Butter Queen finalist, only for her butter churner to jam. She would have won the competition, had one of the finalists not partaken in some tampering.
The Town's Dumbest Virgin
"I haven't been this scared since 1952 when St. Olaf's most active volcano threatened to erupt. Well, luckily, there were some Druid priests who were in town for the opening of Stonehenge land. They said they could stop it if they could sacrifice the town's dumbest virgin. Well - and you're not going to believe this - it turns out they weren't druid priests at all. Just a bunch of Shriners looking for a good time!"
In another moment of stupidity, Rose volunteers to become a human sacrifice when St. Olaf's most active volcano threatens to erupt. Perhaps the stupidest part of the story is the fact that St. Olaf is located in Minnesota. How does Minnesota have an active volcano? St. Olaf seems to be a magical place that neither follows the laws of society, neither the laws of physics.
I Took The Bull By The Horns
"The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirsten the difference between boys and girls. I knew the time had come, but I kept putting it off. Finally, I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns. I took the bull by the horns, turned him around, and showed her what makes a bull a bull. That's how my mother taught me. It sure did [give me a false impression of what a man would look like]. "Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie? Boy, that bull would have been jealous!"
Despite Rose's sweet nature, it is consistently hinted at that she has a fiery side in bed. Rose does not like to share stories, but her naughty side far outranks Blanche's. The people of St. Olaf might like cheese and gerfurgle cake, but they also seem to like other wild activities.
Small Curd Cottage Cheese Queen
"When I was eight-years-old, I was just worried about the usual childhood things: how much would the tooth fairy leave me? What would I get from Santa? Would I ever be chosen Small Curd Cottage Cheese Queen? It was our town's biggest honor, right after Large Curd Cottage Cheese Queen."
For someone who lived in a small Minnesotan town, Rose partook in quite a bit of talent shows revolving around dairy and the ability to rule over dairy products. There is more to the story, however, as Rose does not mention whether she was indeed crowned Small or Large Curd Cottage Cheese Queen. Did it sweeten her bitter butter memories about losing the title of Butter Queen?
St. Olaf's Meanest Ventriloquist
"Grunella Ulf's daughter was a nurse. One night she was taking care of Sven Bjornson, and he asked her … if she would then kill him. The killing thing seemed to go against everything she'd been taught."
Grunella pulled the plug, but she was never sure if Sven was the one asking to be killed, or if it was mean old ventriloquist, Ingmar, in the bed next door pulling a trick. Rose's stories always allude to the general stupidity of the people of St. Olaf. In fact, she has talked about how the original Norwegians who settled in St. Olaf each married their own cousins, which helped Dorothy put the clues together as to why Rose always seems dazed and blissfully happy.
"An All-Chicken Cast"
"Did I ever tell you about the time one Christmas we tried to launch a production of 'A Christmas Carol' with an all-chicken cast?"
In a first for the girls, they make their excuses immediately and run out of the room once Rose utters the first sentence to her ridiculous St. Olaf story. Even frail, old Sofia runs to her room with speed. In later episodes, Rose wises up and threatens to continue her story at a later time, or she follows the girls to make sure that they hear the full version of her Nordic anecdote.
"The Centre Of A Piece Of Candy"
"I always get tired after a long trip. I remember one time, Daddy took the whole family across state on our tractor to visit great-grandfather Zigburton. Great-grandpa Ziggy was a famous inventor. He developed the first and, to my knowledge, the only low voltage meter that could detect what kind of center a piece of candy had."
The girls immediately make their excuses, claiming they need rest. Rose threatens that she would continue the story once they awake, so the girls dejectedly accept their fate and listen to the remainder of Rose's tale about great-grandpa Ziggy.
Olga Fetchek
"You were one of the lucky ones. Plastic surgery doesn't always work out that way. It sure didn't work out for Olga Fetchek. Olga Fetchek was our town beautician and one of God's most unattractive creations since the aardvark."
Unfortunately for St. Olaf, once Olga got plastic surgery, she married immediately and left for Norway. The town didn't have a professional beautician for years and soon husbands stopped sleeping with their wives because they all looked so bad. The situation got so bad, that St. Olaf's population was dwindling when, finally, a new beautician moved to town. But why this story makes Rose hate plastic surgery, once again, makes no sense. Rose's humor lies in her extremely child-like mentality.
Obscene Ice Cream
"Nells used to work at Lars Ericsson's drugstore and tackle shop. He was a soda jerk. Now that I think about it, he was the town jerk. Every Saturday afternoon, I'd go in and have a sundae. Well, Nells would arrange the ice cream scoops in an obscene way. I could never prove it because by the time I'd take it home to show my father, the evidence had melted. To this day, every time I pass an ice cream parlor, or a tackle shop, I blush."
If Blanche had told this story, it would have been told very differently than Rose's narration. The story of the obscene ice cream sundae still makes Rose blush nearly four decades later because she is such an innocent woman, and her innocence is what makes audiences laugh. This is proven when, rather than simply state that a man is sexy, she describes him as making her "Haagen-Dazs melt."
Schnaumatians
"Gretchen had this thing for Buddy, but Mr. Bigburter didn't approve. He tried his best to keep them apart, but one day he came home early and he found Gretchen and Buddy in a most indelicate situation … Gretchen was a Dalmatian and Buddy was a Schnauzer. And Mr. Bigburter wasn't too happy when he ended up with a litter of schnaumatians!"
As the girls reminisce about stories of passionate and forbidden love, Rose ruins the mood by telling her story, only to reveal at the end that Gretchen and Buddy were dogs. To top the story off, she adds another stupid word, "schnaumatians," further infuriating Blanche and Dorothy who got suckered into listening to another stupid St. Olaf story.