Good guys vs. bad guys. Triumph vs. defeat. Order vs. chaos. On the Netflix original GLOW, the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling use their craft to tell dramatic, intricate stories that have viewers on the edge of their seats. Outside of the ring, the ladies' lives are just as complex and engrossing. They are constantly in an underdog position, both in terms of the show—always on the brink of cancellation—and their personal lives. Sometimes their wrestling personas are a comfort, with their simplistic personalities and tangible goals. Other times, the ladies want to put as much distance between them and their personas as they can.
In Harry Potter, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry also defines and sorts its students. Rather than heroes and villains, Hogwarts has four houses—Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff—that the students are sorted into, according to personality. If GLOW were to pack up their gym bags and wrestle their way into the Hogwarts Dining Hall—we'd love to see Machu Picchu put Filch in a chokehold—what houses would they be sorted into? Here are GLOW Characters Sorted Into Their Hogwarts Houses.
Ruth "Zoya the Destroya" Wilder - Gryffindor
In GLOW's opening scene, Ruth is shown at an audition, accidentally-on-purpose reading for a juicier part. It takes guts to do that. Gryffindor guts. After getting cast in GLOW, Ruth embraces the entire experience. From the grueling practice sessions to the sketchy motel life, Ruth is right there in the thick of things. Many actresses would deem a wrestling show as beneath them, but Ruth isn't afraid to look like a fool. Her belief in the project inspires the other girls, and Ruth quickly becomes the de facto leader. Gryffindors love to lead.
However, in her noble quest for TV greatness, Ruth has been to known to step on some toes. Honorable intentions aside, Ruth doesn't always think about the long-term consequences of her plans. It might be a good lesson to learn, especially considering the fallout after she sleeps with Debbie's husband. But that doesn't mean Ruth won't trying to mend that fence. If there's one thing a Gryffindor never does, it's give up.
Debbie "Liberty Belle" Eagan - Slytherin
While Ruth is thrilled to be a part of GLOW, Debbie initially thinks it's preposterous. Her stint on popular soap opera Paradise Cove gives Debbie a superiority complex, as the only actress on GLOW who's achieved real success. Why be the best if you can't lord it over somebody? That's the Slytherin mentality. Debbie uses her status to become the star of GLOW, even ripping the Liberty Belle persona away from another castmate. But Debbie doesn't just coast on entitlement. She uses her sneaky strategic skills to make herself a producer, giving her even more power.
Despite her Princess Slytherin attitude, Debbie has a right to be angry. Her husband and best friend slept together. It's understandable that Debbie wants to make them both pay, even if she uses the vindictive, underhanded tactics of a Slytherin.
Sam Sylvia - Gryffindor
Sam considers himself a renegade filmmaker who doesn't play by the rules. He's aware his career is in the toilet, but Sam's using dogged Gryffindor determination to turn GLOW into his masterpiece. He sure faces an uphill battle. The network is dubious about GLOW's ability to secure ratings and Sam is constantly at loggerheads with sponsors and other producers.
Despite this showcase of antagonists, Sam is his own worst enemy. Whether Bash dislikes his convoluted scripts or Ruth proves herself to be a better leader, Sam is known to lash out with his fiery Gryffindor temper. That, or he's numbing himself with booze and an ungodly amount of cocaine. If only he could channel his passion into making a better show.
Cherry "Junkchain/Black Magic" Bang - Ravenclaw
In the funhouse mixed bag of personalities and egos that comprise GLOW, Cherry is one of the only people who actually knows something about wrestling. She has years of experience as a stuntwoman. This may not seem like a typical career for a Ravenclaw, but Cherry approaches her work with unbeatable intelligence. The cast of GLOW would look like drunk earthworms wriggling around in the ring if it not for Cherry's tutelage.
Cherry's main source of conflict with Sam stems from her not getting the screen time she feels she deserves. She doesn't understand that knowledge alone isn't enough to be the star; Cherry needs a charismatic spark. This is forever the hang-up of a Ravenclaw—piles of book smarts, but not enough pizzazz. But if anyone can deduce a way to get themselves to the top, it's a Ravenclaw.
Carmen "Machu Picchu" Wade - Hufflepuff
Camera shyness aside, Carmen's enthusiasm for wrestling is infectious. Right away, Carmen considers GLOW to be family. When Debbie looks down her nose at wrestling, Carmen makes it her mission to convince her otherwise. Hufflepuffs rarely resort to trickery to get what they want; enthusiasm and a can-do attitude are all they need.
Unlike many of her co-workers, Carmen doesn't suffer from an inflamed ego. She's one of the only people keen to take direction. Sometimes, she suffers from the Hufflepuff curse of pushover-itis. When her wrestling legacy family disapproved of her work, Carmen was ready to quit. Luckily she was able to come back, and good guy-Hufflepuff "Machu Picchu" lives to fight another day.
Sebastian "Bash" Howard - Slytherin
Bash may come across as a happy-go-lucky goofball, but underneath his perma-grin and oversized blazers, he's the world's sweetest Slytherin. He comes from wealth, although he has recently been cut off. It's a good thing that most Slytherins can scheme their way out of a paper bag.
Bash isn't always successful in his endeavors, but for every foiled plot, he's got ten more waiting to try out. GLOW needs more money? He gets the ladies to pose as former drug addicts at his mother's charity event. A cast member might be deported? Bash marries her to keep her on the show. Bash proves that not all Slytherin snakes are poisonous.
Justine "Scab" Biagi - Gryffindor
As the baby of the GLOW family, Justine can be known to act out. It could be good old-fashioned teenage rebellion, but she is a Gryffindor legacy. Sam is her birth father, a secret Justine keeps throughout most of Season 1. Justine wants a relationship with him, but is too afraid to tell him the truth. Instead, Justine acts like a fan-girl stalker, much to Sam's annoyance.
To get back at him for his dismissive behavior, she steals his camera. With GLOW being so low-budget, this is a costly setback for everyone, not just Sam. But Justine doesn't stop to think. Where would the Gryffindor fun be in that? However, she does return the camera. Sometimes Gryffindors have to break the rules before they can do the right thing.
Tammé "The Welfare Queen" Dawson - Hufflepuff
Though some of the ladies' wrestling personas are witty and amusing, others are based on offensive racial stereotype. At first, Tammé is resistant to her "Welfare Queen" character and its negative connotations, but agrees to go along with it for the good of the show. This is such a Hufflepuff thing to do.
Tammé grows to have fun with her gimmick and "Welfare Queen" becomes one of the show's most prominent villains. Her only real concern is what her college-age son Ernest will think. Hufflepuffs hold family loyalty dear. After some initial conflict, Ernest, like his mother, is able to see what's fun and positive about GLOW, choosing to focus on that as opposed to its glaring societal problems.
Rhonda "Britannica" Richardson - Gryffindor
For a Gryffindor, there's no point in being a rebel unless your efforts attract serious attention. At the start of GLOW, Rhonda quickly enters a sexual relationship with Sam. While Rhonda shouldn't be judged for who she chooses to sleep with, having sex with your boss isn't always a great idea. Nor is acting not-so-discreet about it in front of your co-workers. Much to Sam's chagrin, Gryffindor Rhonda does both.
Rhonda comes across as daffy and needy, but she hasn't had it easy. She fled abusive parents back in England and was homeless prior to getting cast on GLOW. The fact that she's one of the more upbeat members of the cast speaks to her Gryffindor perseverance.
Sheila "the She Wolf" - Ravenclaw
Even though her persona is one of the most outrageous of the group, Sheila is by far the most introverted cast member of GLOW. She hides behind her armor of crazy hair and raccoon makeup. When the other ladies are out of the ring, they turn off their personas, but Sheila keeps hers on all the time because she's terrified to let anyone see the real her. Ravenclaw is by far the shyest house, as Sheila demonstrates by preferring to stay out of the spotlight. Despite her desire to remain hidden, "She Wolf" becomes a fan favorite amongst GLOW fans, making Sheila very uncomfortable when they dress up in "She Wolf" costume.
Besides being the most reclusive wrestler of the bunch, Sheila is known for her AV skills. Technologically gifted and afraid of human interaction? Sheila is the first "She Wolf" to join Ravenclaw.
Melanie "Melrose" Rosen - Gryffindor
How can the loudmouth party girl be anything but a Gryffindor? While Melrose may not crave a leadership role, she sure doesn't like being told what to do. In her early GLOW days, she repeatedly butted heads with Cherry, who found Melrose to be a spoiled rich girl only participating in GLOW to piss off her parents. On her end, Melrose resented Cherry and her strict exercise and curfew regimens.
Melrose may enjoy the camaraderie and frivolity of GLOW but the discipline? Not so much. Eventually, Melrose falls in line and takes a follower role. But every now and then, she'll blast out a signature obnoxious comment. Just to remind everybody she's a Gryffindor.