To the surprise of absolutely no one, the upcoming disaster flick Geostorm is a really bad movie. In its defense, the film never pretended to be anything other than what it is -- an excuse to blow things up and watch Gerard Butler do Gerard Butler-y things -- but nevertheless, critics are taking to it exactly as you'd expect they would. What may go down as the most ill-timed movie ever, Geostorm is finally making its way into theaters in the wake of a trio of devastating hurricanes that ravaged the United States and her territories. Understandably, the target audience isn't exactly in the mood to see more of nature's wrath.
Had all gone according to plan, Geostorm would have come out way back on March 25th, 2016, under the guiding hand of first time director Dean Devlin. The career writer/producer is a frequent collaborator of disaster porn extraordinaire Roland Emmerich, who teamed up with Devlin on hits like Stargate and the two Independence Day movies. In the wake of horrendous test screenings, Warner Bros. bumped the release date and brought on a helping hand in the form of super producer Jerry Brockheimer and Danny Cannon, the latter of whom is best known for his work on Gotham, CSI, and the love-it-or-want-to-kill-it-with-fire 1995 adaptation of Judge Dredd. You know, the one with Sylvester Stallone.
Devlin has received the sole director credit for Geostorm, so whether or not he was outright replaced by Cannon (as was reported when the reshoots were announced) is unclear. Either way, if you're looking to pass off blame for this wave of bad reviews, they're your best bets.
Geostorm in a nutshell: a bunch of supposedly connected scenes that don’t seem to even know each other and were maybe shot years apart. Geostorm, which wasn’t screened for critics and didn’t offer Thursday night showtimes in most theaters, began production in October 2014 and reportedly underwent massive reshoots after bad test screenings last year. Whatever they changed didn’t help. -- Entertainment Weekly
No one pays $15 to watch Gerard Butler pretend he knows how to hack a computer. They pay for the geostorms! Where are the geostorms? ... I cannot stress enough that I do not recommend you see Geostorm, but I kind of hope you do just so I can have some help trying to comprehend the basic flow of events in the final act of the movie. -- ScreenCrush
There is absolutely no reason for Geostorm to exist. It’s bunkum and plays like The Day After Tomorrow for those who feel intellectually inferior to Roland Emmerich. It’s Armageddon for those who thought it subtle, 2012 for those with a hankering for trashy political intrigue, it’s an end of the world pic that demands the audience to beckon for the end of days. It’s dull, imbecilic, grossly misjudged, yet momentarily, as towers fall, great floods thrash ravines and fires burn through snow, it distracts – briefly – from an impending doom that you’ll be desperately yearning for. -- Flickering Myth
In the tradition of KFC’s Famous Bowl—famously described by Patton Oswalt as “a failure pile”—comes Geostorm, which attempts to be every possible apocalyptic weather-based disaster movie at once. -- The AV Club
It felt miscast, almost everyone did not look realistic for his or her character even if they were supposed to be decent actors. Of course, one man can be 11 years older than his brother, but Gerard Butler and Jim Sturgess did not look nor act like brothers at all. Andy Garcia did not feel like a US President, nor did Abbie Cornish as a hotshot agent, nor Alexandra Maria Lara as the commander of a space station. -- ABS-CBN News
The ending is so loaded with overwrought political rhetoric that even a massive tidal wave couldn't wash away the hackneyed dialogue and unbelievable actions. -- Chicago Tribune
Some spectacular or imaginative set-pieces would help make amends for the above, but Geostorm’s disasters are just barrages of drab, anonymous digi-porridge, with a very occasional unhinged flourish thrown in, such as a stadium that’s struck by lightning and immediately explodes. That particular sequence, which involves Sarah and Max driving the President (Andy Garcia) through a thunderstorm in a stolen taxi, may be the single ugliest action sequence I’ve ever seen. I’d have to watch Geostorm again to be sure, but that’s not going to happen, so let’s just take it as read. -- The Telegraph
Let’s just take a moment for all of us take a deep breath. We’ll need it. Now, let’s all communally close our eyes. Go ahead. Now breathe and let your mind drift away. It’s the only way you can rationally accept spending your time and hard earned pesos watching, without question, the stupidest movie of this year or any other. -- Cebu Daily News
It's hard to imagine that anyone was actually expecting Geostorm to be a hit, especially in the wake of recent real-world events, but reviews like these are going to make it tough for Warner Bros. to make anywhere near a respectable return on investment. Then again, Roland Emmerich's 2012 racked up nearly $770 million at the box office amidst negative reviews, so hey, you never know!