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10 Funniest Quotes From Adam Sandler’s Billy Madison

Billy Madison

Today, Adam Sandler is one of the most recognized comedians in Hollywood. His career really began to take off after he appeared on Saturday Night Live in the ‘90s, but he quickly rose to be a leading man in dozens of comedies. Sandler has had his fair share of flops like 2011’s Jack and Jill, but there are also several comedies that are still hilarious today.

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Sandler has many memorable films like The Waterboy, Big Daddy, and Happy Gilmore. One of his earlier films was called Billy Madison, which saw Billy repeating grades 1-12 so that he could inherit his family’s hotel empire. Like most of Sandler’s movies, Billy Madison has a lot of memorable quotes that still make fans crack up when they rewatch the film. Here are the 10 Funniest Quotes From Adam Sandler’s Billy Madison.

10 “MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL”

James Downey in Billy Madison

One of the most memorable moments in Billy Madison is when Billy is going up against Eric in the final phase of the academic decathlon. The principal asks Billy a question about the Industrial Revolution, to which Billy responds with a long and drawn out answer, bringing in the story of The Puppy Who Lost His Way.

The principal clearly didn’t like Billy’s answer since he says, “Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” Sandler then finishes the punchline by saying, “Okay, a simple 'wrong' would’ve done just fine.”

9 “WELL ‘SORRY’ DOESN’T PUT THE TRISCUIT CRACKERS IN MY STOMACH, NOW DOES IT, CARL?”

Bradley Whitford and Larry Hankin as Eric and Carl in Billy Madison

While Adam Sandler obviously gets most of the funny lines in Billy Madison, Bradley Whitford gets a few memorable lines as well. One of his funnier lines comes when they are waiting for Billy to show up to dinner.

Eric Gordon is complaining about how hungry he is when Carl Alphonse (Larry Hankin) says that he should have eaten some of the Triscuit crackers that he had in the car. After Carl apologizes for not telling Eric he had the crackers, Eric responds, “Well ‘sorry’ doesn’t put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now does it, Carl?” The line wasn’t just funny, but it also showed that Eric could sometimes be just as childish as Billy.

8  “CHLOROPHYLL? MORE LIKE BOROPHYLL”

Adam Sandler Billy Madison

After Billy passes the easier grades, he moves on to high school, which he finds is a bit tougher than drawing blue ducks. In one scene, Billy is in science class learning about Chlorophyll, when he blurts out the joke, “Chlorophyll? More like Borophyll!” The other students in his class don’t find the joke to be funny, especially the girl sitting next to Billy.

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She calls Billy a loser and tells him not to talk to her, so Billy embarrasses her by saying, “No, I will not make out with you!” The entire scene is a big joke, but it all started out with Billy’s childish joke about chlorophyll.

7 “STOP LOOKING AT ME, SWAN”

In one of the earlier scenes in the film, Brian Madison’s guests and business associates are waiting for Billy so that they can sit down and begin eating. Meanwhile, Billy is upstairs taking a bath. Billy is intoxicated, like usual, and is playing with a bottle of shampoo and conditioner as if they were bath toys.

He is making them argue about which product is better, before throwing both bottles in the tub. Then Billy turns to the faucet, which is a golden swan, and says, “Stop looking at me, Swan!”. The line is even iconic enough that it was parodied on a recent episode of SNL when Sandler was hosting.

6 “DON’T TELL ME MY BUSINESS, DEVIL WOMAN”

Jack Mather as Old Man Clemens in Billy Madison

Another one of the funniest lines comes from a minor character by the name of Old Man Clemens. Mr. Clemens is at the butt end of one of Billy’s pranks, which just so happens to be setting dog poop on fire. Billy and his friends put dog poop in a paper bag and set it on fire on Mr. Clemens doorstep.

When Clemens comes to the door, he exclaims, “It’s another one of those flaming bags again!” His wife tells him to not put it out with his boots, to which Clemens yells back, “Don’t tell me my business, devil woman!” The line was almost as hysterical as Billy thought it was when Clemens said poop instead of a harsher word.

5 “YOU AIN’T COOL UNLESS YOU PEE YOUR PANTS”

Adam Sandler and Jared Cook as Billy Madison and Ernie

One of the more touching moments of Billy Madison is when Billy pretends to pee his pants so that his young friend Ernie wasn’t embarrassed. To save Ernie from having the kids laugh at him, Billy splashes water on his jeans. As the kids start to make fun of him, Billy explains, “You ain’t cool unless you pee your pants.

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Since Billy is so much older than them, the young kids think he is right, which means that Ernie is cool too. Not only did this help his friendship with Ernie, but it gets him one step closer to winning over Veronica Vaughn.

4 “O’DOYLE RULES!”

High School O'Doyle in Billy Madison

Billy meets a new group of kids in each grade level he visits, but one name that sticks around throughout his schooling is O’Doyle. The O’Doyle family had a lot of kids that were bullies, who loved to say, “O’Doyle rules!” which was probably said more than any other line throughout the movie.

In one scene, Billy even says, "O'Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family is goin' down," which of course turned out to be the case. In the family’s final scene, the father slips on a banana peel while driving, which causes the car to swerve off a cliff. Of course, the family chants their catchphrase all the way to their deaths.

3 “T-T-T-TODAY JR!”

While Billy’s character definitely developed over the course of the movie, he started off as a pretty big bully. When Billy reaches third grade he is introduced to Veronica Vaughn, who wants nothing to do with him.

On one of the first days of third grade, Billy is listening to a kid trying to read a passage from a book. The boy is having some trouble and is stuttering his words, so Billy makes fun of him by saying, “T-T-T-Today JR!” However, Veronica quickly put an end to Billy’s mean joke by dragging him out of the classroom by his ear.

2 “STAY HERE. STAY AS LONG AS YOU CAN!”

Adam Sandler in Billy Madison

It’s fair to say that life is much simpler for kids in grade school versus adults. Billy acted like a kid all his life, but he was still aware of the responsibilities that being an adult brings (even if he didn’t have responsibilities). After Billy graduates from middle school and goes to high school, he comes back to third grade to visit Veronica and some of his friends.

One of the boys says that he is excited for high school, to which Billy replies, “Don’t you say that. Don’t you ever say that. Stay here. Stay as long as you can. For the love of God! Cherish it!” Needless to say, a lot of kids in high school and college can relate.

1 “I’LL TURN THIS D*** BUS AROUND”

Chris Farley as Bus Driver in Billy Madison

One of Adam Sandler’s best friends was fellow comedian and SNL alum Chris Farley. Farley passed away in 1997, but he was still able to make people laugh in several movies and TV shows before he died. In Billy Madison, Farley plays the angry bus driver who takes the third graders on their field trip.

Farley got laughs when he was talking about how attractive Veronica Vaughn was, but his funniest line comes on the way to the field trip when a kid throws a sandwich at him. The driver immediately yells and says, “I’ll turn this d*** bus around. That’ll end your precious little field trip pretty d*** quick, eh.”

NEXT: Where Are They Now? The Cast Of Billy Madison

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