The term "lovable bigot" might seem a tad counterproductive, but there is perhaps no better title for Hauser Street's own Archie Bunker. Before TV executives cracked down on content, there was no telling what this man was liable to say. Though most of his dialogue has aged poorly with the cultural shifts, there are still some nuggets of Bunker wisdom that are absolutely hysterical.
Archie was a gold mine of hyperboles, misspeakings, and buckets of malapropisms that make up his twisted sense of humor. He's the crotchety old guy everyone knows, and his aptitude for zingers, one-liners, and turns of phrase is, for lack of a better word, remarkable.
Updated on October 4th, 2021 by Zach Gass: Despite his blatant ignorance, frequent faux pas, and all-around brutal butchering of the English language, he remains one of the absolute funniest family members from a '70s sitcom, even with his less-than-likable reputation. But behind his twisted sense of humor, there also lies an element of wisdom and truth that still radiates over the airwaves today. While they might require some more modern translating and a different set of eyes, Archie was loaded to the brim of his porkpie hat with a mix of witticisms that both have audiences laughing and pondering decades later. As the saying goes, an old classic never goes out of style.
"Somebody's Gotta Be Dead, That's Life"
Archie isn't what many would consider a scholar of life, but there's something incredibly philosophical about this little gem. It might be a little crude and abrasive, but there's no denying that there's some truth to his statement. He might not be Mufasa, but there's something very "Circle of Life" going on here.
The humor comes from this line's delivery and the overall bluntness of the wording. Death isn't always a topic of humorous discussion, but that doesn't mean Archie won't throw his hat in the ring.
"Gonna Take All Of My Thinking And All Of My Consecration"
One of Archie's most frequently-used skills is his uncanny ability to misconstrue words and terms with a flaming passion and yet still get the idea across perfectly. He will use the completely wrong term or descriptor in his logic and yet believe in his heart of hearts that he is 101% percent right.
It's thinking like that that wins audiences lines like this one, though with Archie's brainpower at least he's in the ballpark spelling-wise. His "concentration" skills might be a little rusty, but they're still functional for the most part, and always good for a laugh.
"Entertainment’s A Thing Of The Past, Now We Got Television”
At first glance, this is a complete and purposeful joke and jab using Archie's way of thinking to criticize network TV. It was more than likely directed as a well-written inside joke between the cast and producers, nothing really deeper than that, at least not at first. It's one of those quotes that simply altered with the passage of time
The phrase brings to mind other quips like "hundreds of channels and nothing to watch" and other criticisms of tv sitcoms and might have been the show's way of getting away with outright criticizing the medium under the network's nose. Archie might have been referring to live entertainment, but he might have a few things to say about today's selection as well.
"Everyone I Like Stays The Hell Away From Me”
There are many occasions in All in the Family where Archie sums up his whole personality in one single sentence, and while it might be the most verbose, this line does say it all. Archie is a curmudgeon through and through, and there are few quotes more perfectly antisocial than this one.
Archie Bunker is not the biggest fan of people in general, race, gender, and social beliefs aside. But it's his unfiltered dislike of so many things is that makes him a goldmine for comedic one-liners and quotes like this. There's no denying his abrasiveness didn't leave an impression.
"God Can Do Anything! He Can Turn Your Jawbone Into An Ass!”
There's no denying Archie is funny when he's in a grumpy mood but when religion is thrown into the mix, it's a whole new ballgame. Once again, Archie's mincing of terms wins him another golden quote. Like many of his persona, he'll use his conservative religious beliefs to justify his reasoning. However, sometimes his twisted scriptures end up being absolutely hilarious.
What Archie (and to an extent All in the Family) is doing here isn't necessarily sacrilegious, it's just blending together two different scriptures. What he's trying to reference is the fate of Lot's wife in Genesis, but ends up quoting a phrase from Judges where Sampson uses a "jawbone of an ass" to smite the Philistines. A bit confusing, but funny nevertheless.
"We're Just Sweeping Dirty Dishes Under the Rug"
This one's pretty easy, and this little gem is certainly a good way to get the ball rolling. Archie has the habit of spouting off malapropisms throughout All In The Family's run, and this one won't be the only one on the list. A certain amount of wiggle room can be permitted here, but mostly because he's only half right.
The correct phrase would be to "sweep the dirt under the rug" but with Archie's inflection, viewers can't help but laugh at this butchering of verse. In the right context, this phrase might have merit, but dirty dishes might be harder to hide rather than dirt.
"Don't Draw Me No Diaphragms"
The English language is a wonderful thing, but Archie has the habit of absolutely smashing through it like a wrecking ball. Though a misuse of the word, it does have a humorous context. The quote happens during an exchange of dialogue between Mike and Archie when Mike brings up the subject of pelvic construction. Simple, but not for Archie.
When Mike says, “It’s just pelvic construction women are built differently” Archie retorts, “Oh please don’t draw me no diaphragms." The misuse of the word is funny enough, but pair it with a discussion of female anatomy, it gets a laugh every time.
"The Lord Might Be Smilin' On The Sheeps, But They Still Wind Up As Lambchops"
Here's a little saying from the show that actually might have a little truth to it as well as a twisted sense of humor. It may or may not be up for interpretation, but this might be Archie's way of saying "this too shall pass." Deranged, yet deep.
Though this quote might show All in the Family's dark side, it's easy how one can see a shred of cold truth to it. Maybe it's Archie's interpretation of "everything's a season, a time reap and a time to sow." But that might be giving him a little too much credit on that one.
"Patience Is A Virgin"
Though the correct phrase would be "patience is a virtue," there's most certainly a mixed metaphor here. Not to say that Archie would know the traditions of the Catholic faith, just ask him his thoughts about Irene Lorenzo. But this might be a play on "patient as a novice/nun."
Either way, despite the malapropism, there's no denying the audible and verbal humor at play here.
"Poifect English"
Irony is a wonderful thing. Archie's brutal butchering of the English lexicon has already been addressed, but there's one quote that not only takes the cake but is so beautifully ironic that it deserves a standing ovation, especially when in front of a live audience. This spew of verbal madness is certainly an absolute favorite.
"No bum that can’t speak poifect English oughta stay in this country – oughta be de-exported the hell outta here!" Several individuals share this warped point of view and probably commit the same verbal atrocities.
"Your Own Privates"
"What ya do in the privates of your own room is your own privates." Can something be so wrong it actually sounds correct? Depending on the mind's proximity to the gutter, this is one of Archie's best uses of verbal confusion.
It could be safe to say that what Archie meant involved being in the privacy of one's own room is their business, but the show was never shy of the occasional double entendre. What's even funnier is that Archie would say something similar later with "That there is an invasion of my privates." Needless to say, the line didn't age particularly well.
"We Better Not, Ya know, Kill Our Chickens Before They Cross The Road"
More than likely, this is Archie Bunker's take on counting one's chickens before they hatch. Similar to his previously mentioned quote about sheep and lamb chops, this is another dose of twisted humor with a nugget of wisdom hidden inside. Honestly, this line does have some merit and application potential.
What comes off as a muddled mishmash of jokes actually becomes mildly brilliant. It's a little wordy, but the delivery is absolutely excellent. This line should definitely count as a win in the big book of Bunker sayings.
“If It’s Too Hot in the Kitchen, Stay Away from the Cook”
Yet another example of an almost accurate quote, but give Archie a little credit for at least getting the source of his mangled quote correct. For those unfamiliar with their history, the quote comes from "If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen," as stated by President Harry Truman.
It basically means don't take more than can be handled. Archie, in his malaprop way, is essentially saying the same thing, but with his own warped version. Audiences certainly didn't mind him sprinkling in a little extra ego with this adaptation.
"Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow is Sorry, but Cleveland Burned Anyway"
This is one of those rare and beautiful lines from Archie that's almost 99% correct. Replace Cleveland with Chicago and it's a decent metaphor. Once again in his own way, Archie is trying to make a point. This time, it's about being sorry but doing nothing about it.
Mrs. O'Leary's cow is a reference to the Great Chicago Fire of 1871, regarding an urban legend that states the fire was caused by a cow kicking over an oil lamp and burning up Mrs. O'Leary's farm. It's an interesting, if confused, metaphor, but one with certain cleverness within.
"Meathead, Dead from the Neck Up"
At, last the pinnacle of all Archie Bunker quotes. It's so iconic and repeated, that it's practically the man's catchphrase, right next to "Edith, will ya stifle yourself?" Any time Archie mentions the name Meathead, he is normally referring to his liberal, atheist son-in-law, Mike Stivic.
Archie rarely calls Mike by his first name, in fact, for nearly every episode featuring him, Archie uses the term Meathead at least once or twice per episode. It is perhaps the one phrase most closely associated with the character, that it had to be the Archie-ism to take the number one spot.