For a character who's never seen in the entirety of the series, Maris Crane is certainly one of the most talked-about figures in Frasier lore. As Niles's former wife, a lot of shade has been thrown in her direction, and there's no denying that it wasn't well deserved, although the audience only ever gets one side of the story.
Some of Frasier's most hilarious quotes have been shot in Maris's direction and many of these insults did not age well, as they were directed at her physical appearance, eating habits, and even alluded to her having an eating disorder. But others are still remembered as good zingers today, and when it comes to TV characters fans love to hate, these quotes put Maris at the top of most lists.
“She Couldn’t Remember The Words To 'Memory.'"
Irony will almost always help a joke to land well, and this line is no exception. For context, Maris and her high-society friends are putting on a community production of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats, already spawning a few jabs surrounding the image of them all in catsuits. But it soon becomes evident she's not cut out for the show, thanks to this little blunder.
Wordplay aside, forgetting a song literally about memory is full of comedic potential. It's a pity the fictionalized production wasn't shown on screen.
“Maris Is Like The Sun, Except Without The Warmth.”
Frasier Crane is notorious for his dry yet rapier wit, and this is only one of the barbs he throws at his brother's wife. While Niles's unhappy and loveless marriage is unfortunate, this one easily hits the nail on the head. And while the entire context of the joke is regarding her appearance, this particular jab speaks volumes about her personality.
From what Niles frequently relates concerning his wife, Maris was almost entirely devoid of affection. If this is true, it's hard to believe their relationship lasted as long as it did.
“She Distrusts Anything That Loves Her Unconditionally.”
The phrase "it's funny because it's true" comes into play with this funny quote from Niles Crane. Maris was never really a fan of pets. Despite Niles and Maris both being "animal-lovers," his wife just couldn't wrap her head around love without strings attached.
Maybe this was a darkly humorous one-liner, maybe it was just meant as a jab at Maris's cold nature, but it might also have been foreshadowing her inevitable divorce from Niles. Only the writers know for sure.
“This Is A Woman Who Thinks Her Chocolate Allergy Entitles Her To A Disabled Parking Space!”
Once again, Frasier comes out swinging with his lines at Maris's expense. A frequent subject of humor surrounding the character is her various conditions and delicate system, but also occasionally her high-society entitlement. This line takes a brutal stab at both.
Imagining someone like Maris in real life isn't that difficult. Pretentious and entitled individuals, including the show's titular shrink, never stopped being the source of ridicule on the show.
"Maris Never Liked Going Anywhere Alone, Except To Bed."
The first season had Maris simply exist as a running joke, but over time, she became more and more of a toxic partner who was cold and cruel towards Niles. Here, he delivers a bit of self-deprecating humor, but with a nugget of truth, as well.
Every couple has a different dynamic in terms of intimacy, but Niles's feelings about the issue are clear. Perhaps it's true, all comedy comes from some form of misery.
“Three Minutes In The Sun, She’d Sear Like A Tuna.”
Maris has always been described as having an extremely fair complexion. At one point, someone once described her as "caucasian, very caucasian," so it makes sense that her solar sensitivity would be a big topic when it comes to jokes at her expense.
Of course, it is not strange or funny for someone who is fair-skinned to roast every time they go to the beach, but the humor here comes at the sheer extreme of Maris's many conditions. Sun sensitivity likely doesn't even crack the top 10 on her list of ever-growing ailments.
"Please Stop Crying, Maris. The Doctor Can Always Cut More Off Next Time."
Excessive plastic surgery is a common target for comedic possibilities. But before viewers were constantly lampooning the Kardashians and the cast of Jersey Shore, Maris Crane was the lowest hanging fruit. Everyone from the Crane brothers to Martin took a few jabs, even when they weren't meaning to.
The number of different treatments and surgeries Maris seems to have at the expense of vanity practically reaches ridiculous status before the second season. When Niles is in the hospital, upon seeing a woman covered in bandages across from him, he drops this funny but true jab.
“She Exhausts Easily Under The Pressure To Be Interesting.”
Niles is no stranger to throwing insults at just about anyone in the show, particularly at Roz and Frasier, but this one was an absolute gem. Whether he meant to or not, he absolutely roasted his wife after she fell asleep in the coatroom during one of Frasier's parties, in one of those Frasier jokes that was easy for fans to miss.
This is one of those few insults from the show that viewers can use in real life, especially when confronted with obstacles like a boring date or an otherwise tedious interaction.
Dad, I Have Never Seen Maris This Angry. I Swear, Her Eye Was Twitching Like A Frog In A Science Experiment."
It's already been established that Maris isn't exactly the warmest creature on earth, yet this descriptor from her own husband is not only hilarious but accurate, as well.
The mental imagery presented in this zinger is perhaps one of the closest things fans get to a proper description of her appearance, but more importantly, it reiterates that she is one to be feared and her anger is not to be trifled with.
"Not That Four-Legged Maris.”
It might not seem like the most insulting joke on the list, but it represents one of the biggest running gags during the entire show. When Niles and Maris become separated, Niles seeks an alternative companion by purchasing a wiry, temperamental whippet that just so happens to resemble and behave like his former wife.
Maybe it's a reflection of his internal turmoil or it might be Niles's way of coming to grips with his situation, but it's clever, subtle, and cutting to the quick, and a solid takedown of Maris if there ever was one.
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