Which member of Family Guy‘s Griffin family has it the worst? Meg is the obvious answer, with the constant abuse that she takes from her family, friends, peers, and the universe itself. Or maybe it’s Chris, the hopelessly awkward teen with no social skills to speak of and a lustful old pervert to contend with. Brian is a clever (and unbearably pretentious) talking dog doomed to a short lifespan, while Stewie is a genius trapped in the ineffectual body of an infant.
At least Peter is blissfully ignorant of his… well, ignorance. However, what about Lois? As the wife and mother of the household, she serves as the center of gravity in the endless maelstrom that is the Griffin family. It’s her job to piece the family back together again after Peter’s latest scheme crashes to Earth, or Stewie’s latest world domination plot unravels.
It gets worse for Lois. She has a dark and sordid past that continually haunts her, a penchant for masochism and promiscuity and a mean streak a mile long. Some of her troubles are her family’s doing, and some are of her own design, but there are plenty of them.
Here are the 15 Worst Things That Have Ever Happened To Lois On Family Guy.
15. Being The Mother Of Stewie
When you’re talking about the worst events of Lois Griffin’s life, the birth of her youngest son Stewie has to be on the list. After all, the brilliant and devious infant has spent the better part of his brief existence planning her demise.
Stewie has hatched countless plots against his mother and made a number of attempts on her life. From darts and arrows to lasers and grenades, if it’s lethal, Stewie has hurled it at his mother.
Stewie’s matricidal efforts were a big part of the show’s early days, and one of its best running gags. His efforts culminated in the two-part sixth season finale, “Stewie Kills Lois/Lois Kills Stewie”, in which he finally drops all pretense of innocence, murders Lois and achieves his goal of world domination.
14. Her Terrible Parents
You would think that it’d be great to be born into a rich family like the Pewterschmidts, wouldn’t you? What could be better than being born into the lap of luxury? Well it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, at least not for Lois.
There wasn’t much in the way of love and warmth for young Lois growing up, thanks to her cold, formal, and distant mother Barbara and her selfish, devious, and miserable father Carter.
Lois’ parents (especially Carter) disapproved of her marriage to the poor, bumbling Peter and all but disowned her for it, and it’s a credit to Lois that she chose her love (however inexplicable it is) for Peter over their money.
13. Her Amateur Porn Career
Lois has a past that is chock-full of dark secrets that she’d rather not share with her Quahog neighbors. One such secret was her ill-advised appearance in a very low-budget porn film Quest For Fur when she was younger.
Unfortunately for Lois, that sordid piece of information comes to light in the episode “And I’m Joyce Kinney”. The devious reporter reveals Lois’ secret on the evening news, and the entire community shuns her for it, including her church.
In the age of the internet, it’s all too common for compromising pictures or videos of people to end up online for all to see, and it’s undoubtedly a mortifying experience for Lois.
After wallowing in despair for a while, however, she heeds Brian’s advice and takes ownership of her past by storming into a church service and actually playing the sordid movie for everyone to see. It’s a sight that nobody (especially Quagmire) will ever forget.
12. Giving Birth To Chris
Giving birth to a child is one of the most difficult (though rewarding) experiences a woman can have in life. It’s a gift that has been bestowed on Lois a number of times, but as we’ve seen over the course of the series, the results have been decidedly mixed.
In the case of Chris, Lois alm0st didn’t survive to see him grow into the, ah, “special” boy he would one day become. Chris is a pretty burly teenager, and it turns out that he was pretty big when he was born too.
In fact, he was gigantic. In the episode “He’s Too Sexy For His Fat”, we learn that Chris was such a huge baby that giving birth to him almost killed Lois. The press hilariously dubbed him an “elephant baby”, and he rearranged most of Lois’ internal organs on his way out.
11. Her Crazy Brother
As if her emotionally distant parents weren’t bad enough, Lois also has to contend with a psychopathic brother. As a child, poor Patrick had the misfortune of walking in on his mother “servicing” Jackie Gleason, and the horror of it drove him mad.
Lois had forgotten (or maybe suppressed) all memories of Patrick, so she’s thrilled when she learns of his existence. However, inviting him home quickly becomes a disaster, as Patrick is still very much insane: he’s got an imaginary wife and he takes out his anger at Jackie Gleason by murdering fat guys.
Lois is, of course, married to a fat man who, with impeccable timing as usual, has just formed an association for his fellow fat men. She doesn’t give up on her brother, but Lois does have to watch him go back to the mental institution.
10. Her Christmas Nightmare
Christmas is a magical time of year, especially for families. A mother with young children undoubtedly feels pressure to make the holidays truly special for her kids, and Lois is no different.
She pulls out all the stops to make sure that the Griffin family Christmas is unforgettable, so she’s understandably vexed when pretty much everything goes wrong. However, it doesn’t help that her dim-witted husband accidentally donates all of the gifts that she got for their own children, and that those same kids are petulant and ungrateful.
What’s a mother to do when the holidays fall apart? She snaps, of course; ranting and raving at her shocked family before going on a Christmas-hating rampage through Quahog.
The carnage culminates with Lois climbing the town’s giant Christmas tree like a miniature King Kong. At least she’s home in time to celebrate, even if she’s filled with animal tranquilizer at that point.
9. She Was Sent To Prison
At first glance, Lois may seem like a perfectly normal wife and mother, but she’s got plenty of surprisingly illicit predilections. Take her sudden transformation from law-abiding citizen into shoplifting addict in the episode “Breaking Out Is Hard To Do”. It starts with sneaking out some food that she can’t quite afford at the grocery store, and quickly escalates into a citywide spree.
Just like that, Lois has a powerful shoplifting addiction, and she feeds it constantly. She steals clothes, jewelry, fine art, and pretty much everything else that isn’t nailed down until the law finally catches up with her.
The lenient judge is even ready to let her off the hook with a warning before she steals his gavel. So it’s off to jail for Lois, before her family busts her out and makes the whole thing even worse by going on the lamb.
8. Her Modeling Career
It’s safe to say that many of Lois’ darker aspects were born from her childhood frustration with her domineering parents. Always a stunner, Lois was ready to do some modelling work as a teen before her parents got in the way.
Later in life, still frustrated with her parents, she finally decides to follow that particular dream in the episode “Model Misbehavior”. It starts innocently enough, with some tame photos for Goldman’s Pharmacy, until she catches the eye of a modeling agent who gets her some real work.
Suddenly her innocent hobby becomes a whirlwind lifestyle of photo shoots, parties, and drugs. Before long she’s strung out, chain smoking, and staying out all night, which compels Peter and her father Carter to try to extract her from the modeling life by any means necessary.
7. Marrying Quagmire
Quagmire may be a friend to the Griffin family, but he’s also a sexual deviant who would sleep with Lois (or Meg, for that matter) at the drop of a hat. He eventually gets his chance, albeit in an alternate timeline.
Believing that he wasted his youth, Peter asks his good friend Death to send him back in time for one night of debauchery. Unfortunately, Peter’s actions on that night change history as Lois dumps him and winds up marrying Quagmire. Back in the altered present, Peter is horrified to discover that Lois is gone and his kids are now Quagmire’s (complete with big chins).
6. Becoming Mayor of Quahog
As the old axiom says, if you really want to know someone, give them power. Fed up with Mayor Adam West and his corruption, Lois decides to run for her office herself. In true sitcom fashion, she gets the job, but as soon as she’s in office she finds herself tempted by the trappings of power.
Her first task is to clean up the lake, but once she’s done that she decides to dip into public money to lavish herself with gifts as a reward for her good work. Before too long, she’s taking bribes from the very same slimy business interests that West was dealing with.
Lois sought power for all the right reasons– in order to make her community a better place– but like so many politicians before her, she was seduced by greed. A cautionary tale, indeed.
5. Reputation As “Loose Lois”
Lois was a real wild child in her day, and she earned herself a bit of a reputation in certain unsavory circles. She was infamous in the world of rock and roll for her, ahem, “devotion” to her favorite bands. For her efforts, she was awarded the moniker of “Loose Lois,” and stories of her exploits became legendary in the rock community.
To her credit, Lois doesn’t run from her past or try to justify it to anybody. Unfortunately, she didn’t quite shrug off her libidinous nature when she married Peter, as she’s cheated on him a number of times.
President Bill Clinton was just one of her conquests, and she’s made amorous advances at a number of other men, from Meg’s boyfriend to Bob Barker and Justin Bieber.
4. Becoming a woman of the night
Any good parent is always willing to make sacrifices for their child, and Lois is no different. She loves her kids dearly (with the possible exception of Meg) and has always had a particular soft spot for the dimwitted Chris.
When he’s expelled from his school for being too stupid, his grandfather Carter gets him enrolled in a prestigious private school. However, his new education comes with a cost, and every member of the family has to get a job to help pay his tuition.
While Peter sells butt-scratchers and Stewie provides musical accompaniment for fat people, Lois and Meg have to hit the street corners to sell themselves. Of course, Meg is Meg, so it’s Lois who gets all the customers (proving once again that a mother will do anything for her child).
3. Seducing Meg’s Boyfriend
Lois has a sex drive a mile long, and Peter isn’t always capable of keeping her satisfied. In the episode “Go, Stewie, Go!”, Peter reminds Lois of her advancing age and fading beauty. Understandably angry with her hypocritical husband (who is hardly a prize himself), Lois is flattered when Meg’s remarkably normal and handsome boyfriend compliments her.
Excited by the attention of a younger man (even a teenager), Lois wastes little time in arranging some alone time with him. Sending Meg out on an errand, she makes her move and begins fooling around with her daughter’s boyfriend. Of course Meg walks in on them, and she’s understandably upset with both parties. As for Lois, it’s another in a long line of selfish and self-destructive decisions.
2. Packing On The Pounds
Lois and Peter have always made an odd pair– she’s slim and beautiful and he’s overweight and ugly. In the episode “Sibling Rivalry”, their dynamic changes when Lois, frustrated with Peter’s lack of attention, decides to compensate by eating (and eating and eating) until she’s just as fat as he is.
Peter, ignorant as ever, is very put out by his wife’s new body, at least until he realizes that “fat sex” is the best they’ve ever had. After that, he takes it upon himself to fatten her up as much as possible.
With her weight ballooning, Lois suffers a heart attack and winds up in the hospital, where they remove all her fat and return her back to normal, leaving Peter to sneak into a closet with the bag of her discarded fat and do “exactly what it looks like.”
1. Marrying Peter
Just about everything that has gone wrong in Lois’ life can be traced back to her husband Peter in some way. However, it’s not that he doesn’t love her– he’s proven his devotion to her time and time again over the years. He is just incredibly stupid, selfish, and thoughtless, and as a result, he gets his family into trouble time and time again.
Lois’ life would have been immensely different if she hadn’t met Peter. If not for him, she would probably be wealthy and living the rich lifestyle just like her parents. Her kids would probably have turned out better without Peter’s genes too. Then there’s her mental health, which Peter has really done a number on; he even has his very own tumor inside her head.
Marrying Peter was great for entertainment purposes, but it hasn’t turned out all that well for Lois.
Can you think of any other terrible things that have happened to Lois in Family Guy? Let us know in the comments.
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