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Family Guy: Glenn Quagmire's 10 Wackiest Quotes

As with most of the characters in Family Guy, Glenn Quagmire has changed a lot over the years. He used to just be the zany neighbor who looked like Bob Hope and was an infamous sex pest. However, his perverted antics have gotten a lot darker over the years and more layers have been added to the character.

RELATED: Family Guy: 10 Funniest Running Gags, Ranked

Some of his newfound layers include his history of sexual abuse from his mother and his childhood bully, and the fact that he hates Brian. He also grew into Peter’s best friend when Cleveland left the show to star in his own spin-off. Anyway, here are Glenn Quagmire’s 10 Wackiest Quotes.

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10 “He’s a baby who did a baby thing. Let’s all calm down a little.”

Quagmire is the only one of his friends who is still single and doesn’t have any kids, which a lot of people can relate to. Peter, Cleveland, and Joe are all talking about their wives and their families and he can’t really join in. When babies get showered with love and attention for doing something simple like yawning, Quagmire doesn’t get it.

The way Quagmire sees it, he flies and lands passenger planes every single day and no one ever gives him a pat on the back, so why should everybody praise a baby for doing something babies do anyway?

9 “What a surprise, the mugger’s never heard of Truman Capote.”

When the town of Quahog started experiencing a crime wave, the Griffin family decided to buy a farm. At the beginning of the episode, we saw the anarchy in a series of hilarious gags. One of them involved Quagmire getting mugged, where a guy forced him to give him his wallet at gunpoint.

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The mugger was confused that Quagmire was carrying around a white wallet, but Quagmire tells him Truman Capote used to carry a white wallet. The mugger hasn’t heard of the Breakfast at Tiffany’s author and Quagmire isn’t at all surprised. He tells him to use the library card in his wallet.

8 “I love eating food that’s sad.”

When Joe tells the guys that he pulled over a Harvard student and confiscated his I.D., they decide to drive up there and eat in the college’s legendary dining hall. Peter says, “Man, I bet they got fancy food up there at Harvard. Like them turkeys with paper shoes. Or pigs with apples in their mouths. Or them lambs what ain’t never seen the light before.”

Quagmire replies, “I love eating food that’s sad.” The guys end up enjoying a wild night in Boston, sailing a wooden ship down the street, and Quagmire wakes up the next morning married to a prostitute.

7 “If cell phones worked, every movie would be two minutes long.”

Family Guy doesn’t usually do one-liners. The writers prefer to go with long, drawn-out cutaway gags or dialogue-based jokes that take a few lines to get to the punchline. However, this is one of the show’s few one-liners and also one of its funniest because it’s true. So many movies would be cut short if one of the characters could just take out their cell phone and call 911.

This is particularly true of horror movies, in which a bunch of characters will get trapped in a cabin in the woods being stalked by a serial killer. If they could just use their cell phones, the movie would be over immediately.

6 “Let’s just say I walked in on John Travolta with not Kelly Preston.”

In one episode of Family Guy, Quagmire managed to get a hold of a private plane. When Peter asked him how he got a private plane, he tells him that he “walked in on John Travolta with not Kelly Preston.” Family Guy has made plenty of jokes about John Travolta’s marriage with Kelly Preston being a sham.

The writers seem to enjoy making jokes about urban myths surrounding celebrities, particularly the ones who are rumored to be gay, like Travolta and Tom Cruise. Travolta is also famously a pilot who owns his own plane, so the suggestion here is that Quagmire saw Travolta with a man and he gave him his plane to keep his mouth shut.

5 “I was living the life, just banging chicks and eating cabbage.”

Family Guy Quagmire in Bed

This is how Quagmire describes his life in South Korea when he was stationed out there with the Navy and began starring in a Korean soap opera. The guys watched all the tapes from the series and didn’t have the final episode. They couldn’t find it online, so they flew out to South Korea to find a copy of it.

Quagmire ended up falling back in love with his old co-star and wanted to stay. The episode ended with a hysterical parody of a K-pop music video starring Peter, Cleveland, and Joe, imploring him to come back to Quahog with them.

4 “Peter, what’d I say about you volunteering me for s**t?”

We can all relate to Quagmire when he says this. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to volunteer for anything, but he wants to be able to make that decision for himself. We’ve all met a guy like Peter who just decides what the plan is for both of you.

RELATED: 10 Ways Family Guy Has Changed Since Season 1

While Quagmire started out his tenure on Family Guy as the neighbor who came out with wacky, erotic double entendres, he has since evolved into a sarcastic cynic. This may have come with the revelation that he is actually 60-years old, or the fact that he wears a toupee.

3 “How do you think NBA players get all those chicks? They’re all great cooks. Except Kobe Bryant. His secret is different.”

The writers of Family Guy have gotten a lot of mileage out of satirizing the sex lives of NBA players. In one episode, a fake PSA from the NBA showed a basketball player in bed with a woman saying, “Baby, I miss my wife so much. Thanks for understanding that we can’t do anything. I just want to cuddle,” followed by a voiceover saying “This message brought to you by the NBA. Let’s all pretend this happens.”

This joke about how NBA players “get all those chicks,” referencing Kobe Bryant’s “secret,” refers to the basketball star’s 2003 sexual assault case.

2 “You’re banging eight strangers who responded to a flyer. At some point, you’re going to look out a window and question every decision you’ve ever made.”

The episode 12 and a Half Angry Men parodied the movie 12 Angry Men by having a jury trying to decide the fate of a court case (the half man was Joe, who was undercover as a bailiff in the courthouse). Since one of the witnesses had been attending an orgy, Quagmire was chosen to determine their credibility.

The other jurors are confused as to why someone at an orgy would be looking out of a window, so Quagmire explains that at one point in any orgy, “You’re going to look out a window and question every decision you’ve ever made.”

1 “Giggity, giggity, goo!”

Many of Family Guy’s catchphrases, like Peter’s “Freakin’ sweet!” and Stewie’s “What the deuce!” and Brian’s “Whose leg do you have to hump to get a martini around here?,” have all slowly gone out of use. The characters have evolved away from them or the writers prefer to make meta references to the fact that they used to have catchphrases.

But Quagmire’s catchphrase “Giggity, giggity, goo!” has never gone away and never will. When Quagmire met a woman who was too kinky even for him and she said, “Giggity,” he cried out in despair, “That’s my word! That’s my word!!”

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