Much can be said about Stewie Griffin. He’s an intelligent, witty, narcissistic criminal mastermind. He’s also a baby. Family Guy viewers know that Stewie is at least one years old, and despite the fact that the show has aired for over twenty years, he hasn’t aged much since.
Stewie’s mannerisms have evolved over the years. While he was once an aggressive artillery inventor set to take over the world, in recent episodes he has become more satirical and flamboyant (although he still wants to kill Lois). Stewie Griffin’s one-liners are uncharacteristically hysterical for a baby, which is what makes his character so delightful. The show’s creator and the voice of Stewie, Seth Macfarlane never disappoints, as people never know what obscene remarks will come out of Stewie next.
Many of his quotes from the show have become mainstay pop culture references, more so than any other character. Here are just a few of the best Stewie Griffin Quotes.
9 "When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless."
In Family Guy’s earliest episodes, Stewie’s key characteristic is his obsession for world domination. He has unrelenting hatred for most members of his family, as he continuously proves with he remarks of killing them.
This quote is an example of Stewie’s initial personality, where he would associate his global takeover with the death of his family. However, when someone does show him some form of kindness, Stewie relents and offers to show them mercy—by killing them quickly.
8 "Brian, I think we can get John Mayer to stop tweeting again, but we all got to work together."
Stewie is very in tune with modern references, regardless of the fact that he should be too young to understand them. He is definitely the most perceptive member of the family, apart from Brian, which is why the two make such a great team.
They frequently bounce comedic quips off one another, often speaking to current headlines. Stewie is not one to hold back his opinions, which are often sweeping generalizations of what the overall population may be thinking on important matters (i.e. John Mayer's inconsistent tweeting).
7 "Oh, and tell Cookie Monster not to phone me until he finishes rehab."
Macfarlane once described Stewie as a representation of the general helplessness of an infant but through the eyes of an adult. This quote is a perfect example of Stewie’s dual representation. Stewie’s lines often play on his adolescent imagination that is delivered for a mature audience.
This gag on the Cookie Monster’s obvious addiction to cookies is an easy way to play on Stewie's childlike imagination while still making jokes geared towards adults.
6 "Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch."
Stewie has a multifaceted personality. He still speaks to his teddy bear, but he can build a time machine. He’s witty at the same time that he is ruthless. This makes his character extremely unpredictable and it’s hilarious.
The infant has the most obscene potty mouth, and quotes like this one prove his nonchalant attitude towards other characters.
5 "Lois... Ma... Mommy..."
This is probably Stewie’s most recognizable quote. In this episode, Stewie becomes fond of Lois, despite years of trying to murder her. He wants her constant attention and it is really the most rational instance where audiences get to see Stewie act like an actual baby.
It’s also the perfect representation of how annoying children can get when they are pining for an adult’s unwavering attention.
4 "Alright I guess this is the night b****es die."
Stewie is wildly apathetic, in a way that speaks to his subtle lunacy. Impromptu quotes like this one are what catches audiences off-guard and help build Stewie’s character as a facetious, yet an insane toddler.
Anytime anyone does something to upset him, he immediately wants them gone and he will literally kill off any character he dislikes. It’s almost an exact representation of what a temper tantrum looks like.
3 "What the deuce?"
This is another popular jeer made my Stewie that viewers have elicited into their own daily use. It doesn’t really make much sense, but that’s what is so appealing about the remark. Stewie uses this jab in situations where he has no idea what is happening.
Maybe it’s the delivery of the line coming from Stewie’s upper-class English accent that has audiences love this particular quote.
3. "You know, the...the novel you've been working on"
Stewie and Brian’s friendship teeters on a line of love and hate. The two seem to be in constant competition with one another, which is why Stewie is constantly poking fun at his anthropomorphic pet dog. Brian often claims to be writing a novel; a narcissistic brag that irritates Stewie to no end.
So, whenever he gets the chance, Stewie will bring up Brian’s novel that, of course, he hasn’t completed yet. It’s obvious that he’s calling Brian out on his lack of work and it’s a constant joke he makes that never gets old.
2 "To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs."
The characters of Family Guy don’t often do asides, but when they do, they are often in mockery of serious situations. Stewie never fails at making light of sensitive scenes and it’s this lightheartedness that makes him uncharacteristically witty. The full aside says,
“Hi. I'm Stewie Griffin. Tonight's "Family Guy" was a very special episode about drug use, but the simple fact is it's no laughing matter. To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs. Good night.”
1 "I'm gonna buy a cake when you're dead."
Stewie says this to Brian after the dog calls him out for his horrible stage performance. Stewie became flustered during his first musical and completely messed up. Brian blatantly points this out, to which Stewie quickly replies with a simple. “I’m gonna buy a cake when you’re dead.”