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10 Ellen DeGeneres Quotes That Are Too Funny For Words

Ellen DeGeneres, star comedian and host of her own show, is full of pithy jokes and quotes that can make any down day a happy one.

Ellen DeGeneres is undeniably an icon, a queen, and an absolute hero to so many. Not only is she one of the most inspiring and kind people on the planet, she also has a true affinity for comedy. The defining point for her career was performing a hilarious skit on the Johnny Carson show in 1986.

Since then, Ellen has been making us laugh and cry. Her show is now on its sixteenth season, and she has used her fame and power to do amazing things.

Of course, after so many years on the air, changing peoples' lives and making them laugh every day, it's obvious that Ellen would have a sizeable arsenal of hilarity-inducing sayings and stories. Let's review some of her funniest, most relatable, unforgettable quotes that made us cry with laughter.

10 "PROCRASTINATE NOW, DON'T PUT IT OFF."

This piece of advice appears to be relatively simple, at first glance. But in actuality, it's taken from a very wise, quite famous speech of Ellen's:

“Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses, I've been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off.”

9 "YOU HAVE TO STAY IN SHAPE."

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

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This is a particularly famous, very hilarious quote by Ellen. It's perhaps one of her most well-known jabs, and hearing her say it - no matter how many times you've rewatched - never fails to bring a smile to most fans' faces.

8 "WELL NO, I WAS AN ACCOUNTANT."

"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant." Since Ellen's knack for comedy is undeniably a natural talent, the fact that she was so gifted would prompt many fans to wonder if she was always this funny.

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Ellen response is typically perfect. This is probably a question she gets a lot, and her answer is very memorable.

7 "I WAS RAISED AROUND HETEROSEXUALS."

"I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals." Ellen is someone who has dealt with homophobia for years. It's a very sad fact, and due to all of the backlash she received after coming out, she lost her own sitcom, The Ellen Show.

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Ellen has really been through a lot, and she's endured more than a lifetime of hate. But her humor never fails to come through.

6 "NEVER FOLLOW SOMEONE ELSE'S PATH."

Ellen Degeneres Oscars

On being your self and following your own path, Ellen's advice is as follows: "Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that."

Ellen has a true talent for giving heartfelt, very useful advice that many people need to hear. She almost always does this with an added streak of humor that she weaves in tastefully, and it never fails to be hilarious.

5 "I LIKE MY COFFEE LIKE I LIKE MY MEN."

It's a well-known fact about Ellen that she doesn't like coffee. And in true Ellen fashion, she weaves this into a joke; "I like my coffee like I like my men. I don't drink coffee".

This quote is hilarious in itself, and one of the many gems to be found in Ellen's long-running talk show. It's truly beautiful that Ellen can make people laugh with such simple, yet witty quips.

4 "WHY DON'T THEY GIVE US THINGS WE CAN ACTUALLY USE?"

Ellen has standards. She has things she values, and things she doesn't. She has a clear view of the way things should be - on what's necessary, and what isn't. And let's face it, Ellen is almost always right.

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On the topic of ever-changing phones and gadgets, and the fact that society always seems to want what it doesn't really need, Ellen says: "Why don't they give us things we can actually? I don't need a thinner phone. You know what I need? I need a tortilla chip that can support the weight of guacamole".

3 "JUDGE THEM BY THE CAR THEY DRIVE."

Ellen is a huge advocate for equal rights and world peace. She has gone to great lengths to get her message across to the world, and to attempt to mend the barriers that society has created. She is ceaselessly speaking on this topic, and one of her speeches was particularly funny:

"Do we have to worry about who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?"

2 "ACCEPT WHO YOU ARE, UNLESS YOU'RE A SERIAL KILLER."

Ellen is always promoting the idea of self-acceptance. This topic is a very personal one for her, considering her struggles as a rising comedian and actress. It's pretty crazy to think that there was a time when people didn't love Ellen. There was a time when the general public did not accept her for who she was - but nonetheless, Ellen had to learn to accept herself.

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This quote gets the message across, with an added touch of comedy; "Accept who you are, unless you're a serial killer".

1 "SHE CALLS ME GOD FOR SHORT."

Ellen would be an awesome family member. She's someone who pretty much everyone wishes they could have in their own family, because who wouldn't want that? In one memorable instance, Ellen spoke of the fact that she was a godmother:

"I'm a godmother. That's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short. That's cute. I taught her that."

NEXT: Netflix's Top 10 Standup Comedy Specials, Ranked

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