Deadwood: 10 Best Calamity Jane Quotes

Calamity Jane is one of the more complex and funny characters on Deadwood. These are some of her best lines from the show and the movie.

Of all the characters in the acclaimed HBO series Deadwood, Jane Canary is one of the most entertaining to spend time with. Given the nickname Calamity Jane, she is a real-life famous figure from the Old West and did indeed spend time in the lawless town of Deadwood. The show presents her as an alcoholic and vulgar person who is known for random acts of kindness.

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Jane is a very complex character who deals with her own personal demons. She is also extremely hilarious with her constant insults and drunken behavior. She is a colorful character, responsible for some of the best lines in the show. Here are Calamity Jane's best quotes from Deadwood.

10 "Yeah, I just farted, so what?"

Even an award-winning and respected show like Deadwood is not above the occasional fart joke. Indeed, most of that humor comes from Jane in the show. She is a woman who has no desire to be proper and polite like most women of this time. She embraces her most offensive habits and displays them proudly.

Nearly passed out drunk in the middle of the street, Jane isn't afraid to let some gas pass nor does she hesitate to claim it as her own. While it might not be good manners, you have to respect her lack of embarrassment.

9 "This happens to be a rig and contraption of my own devising against repeated accidental falls which has temporarily malfunctioned."

Given her drinking habits, Jane is known to suffer an occasional accident. Sometimes she can remember what happens, other times she doesn't. Yet those injuries and mishaps don't stop her from drinking just as much as always.

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Instead of cutting back on drinking which she's on horseback, Jane simple builds a contraption that is meant to prevent her from falling from her saddle. Somewhat predictably, she ends up falling from her horse and getting wrapped up in her contraption. Yet she still won't admit she needs help.

8 "What's your preference?" "That it ain't been previously swallowed."

As much as her life is often a mess, Jane sure does have a way with words. She has self-deprecating humor and has a witty comeback to pretty much anything. This can often be best seen when she is discussing her drinking.

When offered a drink, Joanie Stubbs asks what kind of drink Jane would prefer. She responds that her only preference is that it hasn't been swallowed already. It's a fine example of Jane being smarter than she lets on and how there's no much that will stop her from having a drink.

7 "If I had that mug on me I believe I’d cut down getting told how butt f***in' ugly I was by not staring at strangers."

It doesn't take much to get on Jane's bad side. Though she is stronger than most people, she is also self-conscious about her perceived ugliness and unkempt appearance. Because of this, she often lashes out at people she thinks are staring at her and insults other people's appearance.

Though her comments are not often very nice, this is a pretty great insult. After a man stares too long at her, she comments that he is not someone who should be drawing such attention to himself. It's pretty good advice, even if it is very mean.

6 "I don't drink where I'm the only f***ing one with balls."

In case this list hasn't made it clear so far, Jane enjoys a good drink. However, even she will draw a line with what drinking establishments she chooses to spend her money in. When arriving in Deadwood, she decides to have a drink in the Gem Saloon. But when she hears that a family has been murdered on the road into town and the people in the saloon are doing nothing, she voices her displeasure.

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Jane is a brave person and she has a good heart. She is completely willing to call out anyone who shies away from helping keep peace and justice, even in a lawless town. She is one of the true heroes of Deadwood.

5 "I won't be a drunk where he's buried, and I can't stay sober."

Jane was a flawed person long before she stepped foot in Deadwood, but the death of her friend Wild Bill Hicock in the town sent her on a downward spiral. Bill was one of the few people who showed Jane friendship and respect. Losing her turned her into a worse drunk than she was before.

Jane wants to serve Bill's memory honorably, but her addiction makes that difficult to do. She decides that she is dishonoring his memory by her behavior in the place where he died. It is a moment of Jane realizing how bad her life has gotten.

4 "Every day takes figuring out all over again how to f***ing live."

As funny and ridiculous as Jane can be, she is also capable of profound words of wisdom. Most of that comes from the hard life she has lived and the many lessons that she has learned as a result. This time in American history was not easy, but for a female to become an established and respected name in the frontier tells you how much she would have had to overcome.

She points out that life is a continuous cycle of learning from mistakes and trying to keep yourself alive for another day. While it might be a dark way to look at things, it is an outlook that has certainly kept her alive so long.

3 "I've been drunk a while. Correct. What the f*** is it to you?"

Jane has no problem admitting when hse is drunk. It is a state that she is in so often that it would be rare to find her sober. What she does take issue with is people judging her for being drunk. It's unclear if Jane wants to quit, but it is certainly clear that her addiction has a hold of her.

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When Doc Cochran asks about her state, she immediately takes that to be an insult against her. She isn't exactly embarrassed by her drunkness, but maybe by the fact that she can't seem to help that she is drunk all the time.

2 "I drink what I'm able. If that comes too much, that's the day's affair and the liquor's."

Jane's drinking can be troubling, but it also creates some of the funniest moments on the show. Her philosophies on drinking in particular feel like they would make great T-shirt slogans.

One of the most clever things Jane has said on the show is this twisted rationale as to how she gets drunk. While many drunks find a way not to blame themselves for drinking too much, Jane's thinking is particularly inventive. In her mind, all she's doing is drinking, it's the other factors in life that make her drunk. That's one way to look at the situation.

1 "Before eyes close for good and all I'd once again see my Joanie Stubbs and show here a sign of loving regret from Calamity Jane to her darling. And too at the grave of Wild Bill."

Deadwood: The Movie allowed fans to return to the titular town to finally wrap up the story. Fittingly, it is Jane who gets to kick-off the movie with her own return to Deadwood after years of traveling. As she looks down on her old town she speaks about her final chance at winning back the love of her life and saying goodbye to an old friend.

The beautiful, poignant and funny monologue is a perfect display of Jane as a character and what she has been through. Still living with the same demons, she nonetheless wants redemption of some kind before the end of her life.

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