Susie Greene is arguably the most memorable character in Larry David’s hit show Curb Your Enthusiasm. Whether she’s arguing with Larry or berating her husband Jeff, it’s difficult to get through an episode without howling with laughter at one of her brutal put-downs. As a result, she’s one of the funniest characters on the show.
Portrayed to perfection by comedian Susie Essman, Susie Greene is terrifying and hilarious in equal measure. She steals almost every scene she’s in, especially in these following moments.
“Do You Respect Wood, Susie?” - Series 7, Episode 10
When Larry is blamed for leaving a ring stain on Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ table, he sets out to find the real perpetrator - with Susie falling into the firing line. Susie is affronted when Larry suggests she doesn’t “respect wood,” and tells him that she respects it so much that “if I had a piece of wood in my hand right now I’d beat the s*** out of you with it.”
The scene ends with Susie’s trademark dismissal of Larry, and his acceptance that maybe Susie didn’t leave the ring stain. The scene encapsulates the whole Larry/Susie dynamic, with hilarious accusations and denials being thrown about left and right.
“All Liquored Up” - Series 3, Episode 7
When a Curb scene starts with that classic Western stand-off music, viewers know they’re in for a Susie special. When Susie’s daughter Sammy accidentally drinks wine on Larry’s watch, Susie accuses him of purposefully getting her drunk on alcohol so he can steal their dog.
As well as berating Larry for his irresponsibility, Susie won’t accept his excuses or reasoning for the situation either. She ends the argument by aiming a diatribe of vitriol towards him - including her trademark Larry takedown: “you four-eyed f***.”
“I’ll Give You The Tour” - Series 3, Episode 8
When Larry declines to take a tour of Susie and Jeff’s new house, Susie flies off the handle. While it’s admittedly rude of Larry to turn down the house tour - it’s a rite of passage, really - Susie’s reaction is disproportionate to the offense.
When Larry reluctantly agrees to the house tour, Susie refuses, telling him, “I’m turned off.” In typical Susie fashion, she calls him a freak of nature and kicks him out of the house.
“You Better Get Your A** Out Of My House” - Series 6, Episode 10
It’s rare for another character to get the better of Susie - but Loretta manages it. What begins as a regular argument between Larry and Susie ends with Loretta shocking Susie into submission with a tirade of her own, while Larry stands smugly behind her.
When Loretta starts dating Larry, she refuses to let Susie talk to him with such vitriol. It’s Loretta who steals the scene, but if it weren’t for Susie’s catalog of winning insults, this scene wouldn’t work half as well.
“Enjoying The Dog?” - Series 4, Episode 4
Larry creeps out Susie by making a little too much of a fuss of the Greene family dog, Oscar, causing her to ask if he’s “enjoying the dog.” Strangely, Susie actually defends him in the follow-up discussion about Larry’s plaque, but it soon becomes clear that Susie hasn’t forgotten the dog debacle.
Later on in the episode, Ted Danson tells Larry he no longer needs him to look after his dog. Susie only says three words in the whole arc, but alongside her aggressive body language and tone, it’s a hilarious performance.
“You Think We’re Gonna Have A Nice Divorce?” - Series 8, Episode 1
Although Jeff cheats on Susie repeatedly, it’s a good thing for him she never finds out - because if they get divorced, she has no intention of splitting things 50/50. When Jeff suggests Susie takes whatever half she wants, Susie retorts: “Are you f****** kidding me? You think we’re gonna have a nice divorce?”
Instead, she tells him that if they ever get divorced, she’s going to take him for everything he has - in fact, if he even mentions divorce, he’ll “rue the day he ever met” her. The ensuing silence is the perfect response.
“If He’s Banned, You’re Banned” - Series 6, Episode 2
When Cheryl discovers a questionable stain on one of her blankets, Ted Danson reveals that Jeff was the perpetrator, which leads Cheryl to ban Jeff from the house. When Susie hears about the banning, she goes ballistic - first at Jeff, then at Larry.
In retaliation to Cheryl’s punishment of Jeff, she bans Larry from their house, booming, “Be gone with you” at him until he leaves. But the funniest part of this scene is her scolding of her husband, who she accuses of committing “adultery” through his heinous act. Ironically, Jeff has committed adultery many times - but this isn’t one of them.
“Judy Has Been Decapitated” - Series 2, Episode 7
Cue another Western duel theme: when Susie discovers one of Sammy’s dolls is missing her head, she freaks out at Jeff and Larry. She accuses them of taking the doll’s head for “some voodoo s*** you’re doing,” and screams at them to bring her the head.
It’s a classic Susie moment: she screams with trademark foul-mouthed belligerence at her husband and his friend, who look on in stunned, shameful silence, like school kids being reprimanded by a particularly hostile principal. Fun fact: this episode is the best one of the season, according to IMDb.
“I Had A Dental Appointment” - Series 3, Episode 10
When Larry is forced to hire a new chef for their restaurant opening at short notice, he takes what he can get: a brilliant chef with Tourette’s syndrome. Though things start well, the chef eventually can’t help but shout profanities across the restaurant - causing Larry to step up and join in. So begins a round of noisy cursing and swearing from the restaurant’s patrons - which is funny in itself, but it’s Susie’s contribution that makes the scene so great.
There’s way too much cursing in this scene to go into specifics - but Susie’s tirade is by far the most aggressive, and she doesn’t even know why they’re swearing. It’s a scene-stealing turn by a brilliantly unique, funny character.