Leon Black is the perfect sidekick for Larry David in HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm. The show was about rich Hollywood socialites meeting at charity benefits and movie stars’ birthday parties, with the schmucky, socially inept Larry David somehow finding his way into these situations and swiftly ruining them.
Everything about these two characters is different – their race, their age, their wealth, their upbringing, their religious beliefs – and so they’re a hilarious comedy duo. The chemistry shared by David and his co-star J.B. Smoove makes the two characters endlessly watchable. So, fans of Curb Your Enthusiasm, here are Leon’s 10 Most Hysterical Quotes.
10 “‘Long Ball Larry,’ that’s your new name.”
When Cheryl leaves Larry and he gets back out on the dating scene, Leon is able to offer him advice. The first woman Larry manages to woo post-Cheryl is none other than Lucy Lawless, TV’s Xena the Warrior Princess, but right before their date, he injures his balls and Leon has to take him to the hospital.
The doctor explains to Larry that his balls are “more distended than the average testicles,” which Leon rewords as “long-ass balls.” So, he decides to give Larry an affectionate new nickname, which sounds like the nickname of an infamous pirate: “Long Ball Larry.”
9 “I went in that room and whited that s*** the f*** up.”
In one of the most hysterical scenes in all of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Leon impersonates a guy named Danny Duberstein to convince Michael Richards to do the Seinfeld reunion. Richards is worried he has Groat’s disease and Larry said he’d arrange a meeting for him with his friend, Danny Duberstein, who had Groat’s disease, only to find that the disease already killed the real Danny.
So, he gets Leon to pretend to be Danny Duberstein and “white that s*** the f*** up.” This leads to a sly commentary on Richards’ N-word scandal where he wishes he could think of “a horrible name” to call Leon.
8 “He’s up there moping, man. Mopey D***.”
Leon is clearly not one for the classical works of literature. When Larry is up in his room, not leaving the house and feeling depressed after Cheryl left, Leon tells Jeff that he’s like “Mopey D***.”
At first, both the audience and Jeff think he’s making a pun on the title of the Herman Melville book Moby Dick. However, it quickly becomes obvious that Leon has never heard of the Melville book when he says, “Who the f*** is Moby Dick?” Jeff realizes that Leon literally means that Larry is being a “mopey d***,” as in, “His d*** is mopey.”
7 “You get in that a**, Larry!”
After Larry encounters a skinhead and lets him get away with yelling slurs at him, he asks Leon for advice. Leon tells him to “get in that ass.”
He explains, “You let a man slide today. You must immediately get inside somebody’s ass when that happens to you. You pull the a****** open, step into the a******, close the door behind you. Then you take a spray can, right? Spray, ‘Larry was here,’ ‘Wash me,’ all that s***. F*** his whole a****** up. Get a Snickers bar, paper, throw that on the floor, f*** his whole a****** up. Then you open up that a****** one more time, step out his ass, then leave that motherf***** wide open so he know you’ve been there.”
In the first great scene between Larry and Leon, and perhaps still their greatest scene, Larry confronts Leon about a certain stain that Cheryl found on his bedspread right after he moved in. Leon is so clueless that he can’t even properly pronounce the name of the stain, so Larry has to dumb it down: “C**.”
Leon asks “what kind of c**” it was and Larry just argues, “C**’s c**!” Later in the episode, which is season 6’s “The Anonymous Donor” and just might be the show’s finest installment, we find out that it was actually Jeff who was responsible for the stain.
5 “Topsy-turvy that motherf*****.”
Pretty much from the moment that Leon and the rest of the Black family arrive at his house, Larry is eager for them to get jobs and move out, so he can have his peaceful, semi-retired, non-charitable life back.
He offers Leon some sage advice as he goes into a job interview: “You’ll go in, he’ll be up there, you’re down here, right? He’s on top, he’s asking you the questions. Then, all of a sudden, the interview starts, he asks you some questions, you answer some questions – then, you start asking him the questions, and you flip it. Now, he’s trying to impress you.” Leon gets it instantly: “Turn that s*** around on him.”
4 “You can’t pause toast, Larry. It loses its essence!”
Leon has a philosophy that he strongly believes about a lot of different things, including toast. In an episode revolving around the consequences of time delays caused by Larry’s slow toaster, Larry pops out Leon’s toast to make Cheryl some.
Leon complains that he has a lot of time invested in his toast and it’ll be wasted if he stops now. Larry explains that he can just pick up where he left off later on, but Leon doesn’t think you can just do that, because when you “pause toast,” the toast “loses its essence.” He’s completely right and it’s worded so perfectly.
3 “Barack Obama, motherf*****! I’m the president of hittin’ that a**!”
When Larry and Leon get their cell phones mixed up, they both do something by accident that screws the other one over. Larry gets called back about a job interview Leon did where he’s offered the job and thinks it’s a telemarketer, so he turns them down.
Meanwhile, Leon offends Larry’s black friend Hal, because Hal hears Leon saying, “Black man doin’ his thing, baby!” and spouting about Barack Obama, and assumes that it’s Larry doing a “black voice” to make fun of him. So, the mix-up doesn’t end well for either of them and they both lie about it.
2 “I brings the ruckus to the ladies.”
Over the course of his tenure as Larry David’s sidekick, we’ve seen that Leon Black is quite the ladies’ man. He once confessed that he sleeps with women in Larry’s bed, just because it’s bigger than his twin bed in the guest room.
He also slept with a yoga instructor who requested that Larry stop attending her class, because he refused to say, “Namaste,” to her. He had an affair with his best friend’s wife, and then when Larry accidentally revealed it to his friend, Leon dragged Larry into it, because his friend apparently wanted to “f*** somebody up,” which might mean Larry.
1 “I’m going upstairs to eat this f***in’ Chinese food in my f***in’ room.”
This is Leon’s greatest quote, because it sums up the character perfectly. Leon only moved in with Larry when Cheryl took in his sister Loretta and her family against Larry’s wishes after their home was destroyed in a hurricane. When Loretta thinks she’s seen Larry cheating on her – thanks to one of Leon’s schemes – she leaves with her kids.
Larry asks Leon what he’s going to do now that his family’s moved out and he simply says, “I’m going upstairs to eat this f***in’ Chinese food in my f***in’ room.” This guy isn’t going anywhere. Larry is stuck with him for life.