When it comes to the Vacation series, it's often the lovably wacky Clark who takes center stage. This zany father figure provides plenty of laughs with his knack for falling on his face. These blunders usually stem from his mostly-vain attempts to arrange great family vacations and get-togethers.
He also provides various quotes that waver between witty and goofy, particularly when it comes to the holiday comedy, Christmas Vacation. The amusing, colorful cast that makes up the Griswolds and their extended family sets the stage for some hilarious banter and one-liners from Clark.
"I Can't Even Afford To Be An Elf."
For all his faults and general goofiness, Clark has his endearing moments as well. One such instance is his sitdown with Ruby Sue, where she expresses concern about not getting any presents this year. After all, they didn't get "squat" last year from Santa.
Clark manages to do what Eddie apparently cannot, which is to provide her with hope and emotional support. He does this by assuring her that Santa will show up and give them gifts if she believes. After establishing a final time that he's not in fact Santa Claus, Clark mutters this cheeky line to himself - clearly with his finances (or lack thereof) on his mind.
"Looks Great! A Little Full. A Lot Of Sap."
The opening act of Chrismas Vacation sees the Griswold dad on a mission to secure a family Christmas tree - apparently even if that means ripping it from the ground without tools. When they finally get the tree and bring it home, it appears to take up roughly half of their family room. This massive tree expands even more after Clark snips it free of its constricting rope.
What follows is a classic moment of goofy, cartoon-style comedy that sees Clark get nearly consumed by the Christmas tree. He then tries to sell the idea that it "looks great!" even as he's getting coated in sticky tree sap. This is a delightful moment in terms of its comedic timing and funny delivery.
"I'll Be Outside For ... The Season."
Clark spends much of the second act laboring away at outdoor tasks, which mainly involve stapling hundreds of Christmas lights onto his roof, though he's also tasked with parking the cars of his abrasive parents and sorting out their luggage upon their arrival.
This humorous line, which he subtly delivers to Ellen, really says it all. It's a nice encapsulation of the dry, sarcastic sense of humor that Clark exudes so well.
"I Was Just Blouse ... Browsing!"
Clark tends to dial up his bumbling awkwardness when in the presence of attractive women, as he already established in the original Vacation. But this reaches a new level of goofiness in Christmas Vacation, during a funny scene where he's clothes shopping for Ellen.
Smitten to the point of stupefaction, Clark launches into a series of silly Freudian slips where he mixes in some suggestive terms to replace similar-sounding words. This whole scene is chock-full of chuckle-worthy quotes - though this particular one manages to be cleverly funny while staying relatively clean.
"Eat My Road Grit, Liver Lips!"
One of Clark's many distinct traits is his somewhat short fuse, which is on full display in Christmas Vacation's thrilling opening scene. As he's driving his family around to find a tree, Clark ends up in a road scuffle with a rugged driver who's also apparently easy to agitate.
This squabble practically escalates into a race, leading Clark to scramble ahead of him before tossing this zany insult his way. Apparently, Clark didn't get the memo from Ellen that he should steer clear of provoking him.
"He Keeps It Up, It WILL Be His Last Christmas."
Another chuckle-worthy diss from Clark happens to be directed not at a random stranger on the road, but at his own family member. The zinger is spoken after Ellen implores Clark to cool it, since "he's an old man and it may be his last Christmas."
It's a rather harsh dig - though not too unexpected, given his fairly short fuse and irritability. Besides, it can be argued that the grouchy, oblivious uncle Lewis somewhat has it coming. After all, he really couldn't have picked a worse time to demand his "stogie" while he and Ellen are cleaning up spilled trash.
"Bend Over And I'll Show You!"
Clark may quite possibly by the James Bond of cruel one-liners and "gotcha!" zingers. One of these classic moments comes at the hands of his yuppie neighbors living next door. After his neighbor, Todd, curiously asks him where he's going to put his gigantic tree, Clark responds with this gem. It's akin to a diss a 14-year-old might say to a friend - but really, that's what makes it so funny.
Writer John Hughes then takes the joke up another notch with a follow-up by Clark, to which he clarifies that, "I wasn't talking to you." Cue the camera cutting to his befuddled wife, Margo.
"How Can Things Get Any Worse? Take A Look Around You, Ellen! We're At The Threshold Of Hell!"
Poor Mr. Griswold can never seem to catch a break, as it's made pretty clear in Christmas Vacation's final act. Scenes include a burned turkey, a scorched Christmas tree, a fried cat, and a dog chasing a squirrel around the house - who trashes everything in the process.
This sets the stage for a couple of hilarious outbursts and rants from Clark, who is at his wit's end by this point. In an amusing bit of irony, Clark implores his retreating family to stay and see this thing through, but Ellen thinks it's best if everyone leaves before things get worse. This prompts one of the funniest - and emphatically delivered - lines in the film. Given this crazy scene, it's not far from the truth.
"Can I Refill Your Eggnog For you? Get You Something To Eat? Drive You Out To The Middle Of Nowhere And Leave You For Dead?"
Clark's more nonchalant lines are often as humorous as his shouted rants - and sometimes even funnier. Case in point? This subtly-delivered gem, which is amusingly missed or disregarded by his dense cousin.
One can't help but appreciate the unexpected turn this quote takes, which is muttered by Clark as he watches Eddie poke around his house uninvited.
"... He's Gonna Find the Jolliest Bunch Of A***holes This Side Of The Nuthouse!"
During the chaotic climax of the film, Clark breaks into an unhinged rant that even manages to dwarf his "quest for fun" sermon at the end of the original Vacation. Clark is now on a crusade to have a great holiday, even if it means forcing his family to remain at the house while he barks at them to have the "hap-hap-happiest Christmas!"
This rant reads as much like an angry rambling as it does an intense, over-the-top pep talk from a general or coach. Its abundance of curses and colorful language ensures the laughs keep coming.