James Bond may be the king of suave, but he is also not above being the king of cheese. His adversaries and mistresses are of course also guilty of this charge. What some characters intend as a scathing verbal beatdown becomes a funny zinger that cranks back the heads of audiences in laughter. If one brings their pocketbook of insults or pick-up lines to a Bond film in hopes of collecting sharp one-liners, they are indeed playing a dangerous game.
Whether in search of a good laugh or what charismatic pitfalls to avoid whilst making the rounds on the dating circuit, the tall, dark, and cruelly good looking 007 is an embarrassment of riches.
"Ah Yes, The Legendary 007 Wit, Or At Least Half Of It."
These types of mild-mannered zingers try to capture the wordplay of Shakespeare or Oscar Wilde, but make a resounding flop, like so many online pun memes trafficked these days.
This line comes when Q's apprentice R has a combative introduction with Bond in The World is Not Enough. One would be remiss to use this insult for one's own purpose. Outside of pretentious social events, where coattails are a must, this line is just terrible.
"How's That For A Punchline?"
It's unfortunate how much cringe-worthy dialogue is in Die Another Day because it steals the limelight away from other deserving, but not quite so terrible lines from other films.
The writing team thought self-referential puns were funny, so the poor actor who plays Zao had to say this regrettable line after punching Bond in the face. One almost wants to follow suit and sock them in the ears, as punishment, for making the audience listen to such cheese.
"I Like Sake, Especially When It Is Served At The Correct Temperature: 98.4 Degrees Fahrenheit."
Like older men who speak with the blind confidence of having seen it all, Bond was not impervious to having an arrogant know-it-all personality, at times.
There is no better example of his lust for niche subjects than when he flaunts his cultivated palate that can measure the precise temperature of sake. One can only imagine the number of insufferable would-be connoisseurs this scene inspired back in 1967 when You Only Live Twice was released.
"I Must Be Dreaming."
Some context will explain why this line will knock the wind out of you. In Goldfinger, Bond regains consciousness to find a beautiful woman who has taken him captive. She unabashedly introduces herself, "My name is Pussy Galore," to which Bond responds, "I must be dreaming."
Such an acute degree of chauvinism wouldn't fly today. Nonetheless, the level of cheese is so thick that it still commands an eye-rolling chuckle.
"I Thought Christmas Comes Only Once A Year."
The name of the Bond girl Christmas Jones from The World is Not Enough is a shameless contrivance that sets up this mortifying pun as the last words of dialogue in the film.
Bond's philandering over the years has inspired some risque one-liners, but this one goes down as his slimiest remark. This line is an insult to so many people and things: Denise Richards, Pierce Brosnan, the audience's intelligence, Christmas, and the list goes on. However, it's good for a laugh at the level of cheese here.
"I Will Be Keeping My Eyes On Our Government's Money And Off Your ..."
Vesper Lynd, who is otherwise a paragon of class, ensnares herself in a battle of wits against James Bond in a moment of hubris, sinking to his level and losing at his game the moment she quips on the contours of his posterior.
Every time a die-hard fan rewatches Casino Royale, there's a dim hope that she won't play into Bond's antics this time around, but of course, she delivers the cheesy cringe every time.
"Shocking. Positively Shocking."
Few other Bond puns have been able to soar to the same heights of hilarity as this one does, earning it unanimous respect. Bond utters this gem in Goldfinger after cooking a nondescript baddie in an electric bathtub.
It's a classic that may earn you laughs among family and friends if an opportunity arises for you to plagiarize it.
"What Makes You Think This Is My First Time?"
Whilst stroking Bond's inner thigh, Silva solicits him that "There's a first time for everything." Bond then carefully enunciates the line, "What makes you think this is my first time?"
Flattered and astonished that Bond obliges Silva's euphemism with some fiery ambivalence of his own, Silva exclaims, "Oh, Mr. Bond!" It's not uncommon to see people sink in their chairs in embarrassment at this moment of tension that quickly turns comedic in Skyfall.
"Wow, There's A Mouthful."
The entire beach hut scene in Die Another Day where Jinx speaks this line to Bond is perhaps the cheesiest in the history of the franchise.
Almost every line of its dialogue consists of a veiled erotism so cringeworthy that it keeps fans laughing throughout, to this day. The crater this scene sculpted out of the esteemed reputation of the franchise is also perhaps what helped mark the end of Pierce Brosnan's run as 007.
"Y'all Take This Honky Out And Waste Him - Now!"
Besides every male character flagrantly wearing bell-bottom suit pants in the Roger Moore installments of the franchise - a sore sight for 21st-century eyes - the early 1970s vernacular was equally as strange.
Fashioned in a fitted suit and neatly groomed, Bond stands across the room looking like the quintessential Oxford man, yet a baddie refers to Bond as if he is a regular patron of the local country-themed dive bar. It was a bizarre choice of words.